The Microsoft Borg

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by bigc73542, Nov 15, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Posts:
    23,873
    Location:
    SW. Oklahoma
    http://humorshack.com/archive/jokes/computer/8.shtml

    The Microsoft borg

    In the wake of the emergence of the free Linux operating system a quick look into the future.

    "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript:

    (Picard)"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

    (Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

    (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

    (Riker looks puzzled.)"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

    (Data turns to answer.)"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

    (Picard)"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    (Data)"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

    (Picard)"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

    .. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

    (Data)"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."



    (Geordi)"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    (Picard)"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

    (Data)"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

    (Riker)"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

    (Geordi, excited)"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

    (Picard)"Data, what do your scanners show?"

    (Data)"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    (Picard)"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

    .. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

    (Riker)"Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"

    (Geordi)"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    (Picard)"How much time will that buy us?"

    (Data)"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

    (Geordi)"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    (Picard)"Identify."

    (Data)"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

    (Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

    (Data)"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    (Picard)"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

    (Riker)"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

    (Data)"I don't believe that those are humans,sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by Twenty-first Century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and they are wearing Armani suits."

    (Riker and Picard together, horrified) "Lawyers!!"

    (Geordi)"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    (Data)"True, but apparently some must have survived."

    (Riker)"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

    (Data)"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."

    (Riker)"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
    Submitted by: Andrew

    [Previous Joke] [Next Joke]

    Search archive



       
       
       
       
     
  2. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    :Dblaze shutters with fright the scary part is this is very posiable future lol
     
  3. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Posts:
    23,873
    Location:
    SW. Oklahoma
    :eek:that would be a frightning future with admiral gates flying around
     

    Attached Files:

  4. BWMerlin

    BWMerlin Registered Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2003
    Posts:
    71
    I remeber watching a doc about nescape and the launch of mozilla and seeing as poster of bill gates crossed with a machine and saying prepare to be asimilated.
     
  5. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Posts:
    23,873
    Location:
    SW. Oklahoma
    Here is mr. borg himself. :cool:
     

    Attached Files:

  6. Mike_Healan

    Mike_Healan Registered Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2002
    Posts:
    302
    Location:
    USA
  7. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2002
    Posts:
    8,523
    Oh God. I hope Gates doesn't transport over to the Enterprise. I would surely crash!!! ;)
     
  8. Jooske

    Jooske Registered Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2002
    Posts:
    9,713
    Location:
    Netherlands, EU near the sea
    Think this program is more suitable for somebody else then.
     

    Attached Files:

  9. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Posts:
    23,873
    Location:
    SW. Oklahoma
    That is what you call a full optioned program :cool:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.