Look what I found in the Newspaper today..... http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/4005/tapfoot2hh.gif Sunday, October 16, 2005 National News: Toilet Paper Theft Early Wednesday morning, a woman walked into a small restaraunt in WildsOfWV but instead of ordering a meal like the usual guests, walked straight into the women's bathroom and ran back out with an armful of toilet paper. The waitress working there that day tried to stop the woman from leaving the restaurant, but was not successful. Witnesses identified the woman as Rita Angel, a resident of WildsOfWV. Police are still looking for Rita for further questioning. Later in the day, a few local trees were covered in toilet paper. They suspect that these two crimes may be related. _____________________ Primrose The Hacker Strikes Again ! For the 12th time in 5 weeks, the US Government's computers have been broken into. All 12 attacks happened to different systems and servers within the government. What sets these attacks apart is the evidence left behind. "We do know that the hacker goes by the alias, Primrose. And, each attack has disrupted service for an average of 5 hours. This has added up to a total loss of nearly 18 million dollars due to system repairs and upgrades." Said Dr. Richard Marciniak, lead technical engineer for the US Government. The attacks are far from average. The hacker logs into the system and plants a virus. The virus then spreads across the system, altering every file very slightly. These changes can throw off huge calculations in government funds, allocated resources and many more critical areas of the government. Government officials are looking into the hacker alias, Primrose and are getting close to finding the origins of the attacks. The hacker is facing an estimated 70 years in prison and enormous fines. ________________________________________ News Network Man Steals Odd Store Display Late friday night in a small pharmacy in Somewhereincanada a man entered posing as a regular customer. He was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in his hand. He made his way to the back of the store where he then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as he fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the man as Daniel TripleHelix, a resident of Somewhereincanada. It turns out that the store display that Daniel ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for Daniel for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe he was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated. ____________________________ Australia News Article By William H. Brown As Cigarrette prices continue to rise, some local citizens are fighting back. Brad bigbuck and Brad CartoonBoy, residents of Australia, aren't going to stand around and watch their hard earned money be taken away by cigarette taxes and high prices. bigbuck and a group of friends, relatives and fellow Australia residents have teamed up to fight back against tobacco companies. "Why pay hard earned money for a new pack of cigarettes, when you can find perfectly good, used butts, in ash trays all over town?" Said Tom Schmitt, the spokesperson for the group. Although stealing cigarette butts from ash trays around town is not without its difficulties. They've already been termed "The Butt Thiefs" by local shop owners and have been chased away from businesses and given numerous fines. "We're not going to stop "stealing" cigarettes. It's saving us hundreds of dollars a year. And in some cases, it's saving people hundreds of dollars a month. I don't see what the big deal is. People threw those butts away, and I feel that if something's been thrown away, then if someone else wants it, they can have it." Said bigbuck. The local police department has given them several warnings already, stating that smoking these used butts is very unsanitary and aids in the spreading of disease. bigbuck later commented, "So what if my lips fall off or something like that... I'm not hurting anyone else and I'm saving a ton of money in the process." To date, neither bigbuck nor anyone else in the group has been arrested for stealing cigarette butts, but all that could change if a new law is passed, which would make stealing cigarette butts from public ash trays a federal offense. ______________________ Entertainment News Sunday, October 16, 2005 In an effort to lower violence on both televsion and in America's neighborhoods, Ron Ronjor, a resident of Wilderssecurity, Texas, has begun work on a massive television censorship project that, if all goes well, will change television forever. Ron has set up TCBFV (Television Censorship for Better Family Values), a non-profit organization designed to restrict the language that is allowed on all public TV channels. Ron is in the process of compiling a list of words and phrases that promote negative family values and/or violence. The following is just a partial list of words: Guns, explosives, violence, sex, rape, gangs, black, hatred, steal, anger, murder, rage, genetics, damn, hell, heck, ass, crap, poop, breasts, boobs, butt, natural selection, drugs, marijuana, lsd, alcohol, beer, booze, crack, AIDS, herpes, genitals, reincarnation, DNA, dinosaur, evolution, darn, testicles, implants, testicular implants, dang, jerk, fight, blood, vampire, pagan, psychic, ESP, occult, witch, dumb, stupid, shoot, nude, naked, evil, goth, Satan, satanism, devil, demons, rock and roll, backstreet, internet, MP3... The complete list is quite extensive, containing well over 2000 words and phrases similar to those above. Many people have already begun to protest against TCBFV, claiming that such censorship would be in violation of the first amendment. Ron said in reply to that, "We, as Americans, should move away from amendments and towards commandments." Most people aren't so eager to throw the constitution out the window, reminding Ron that there will always be a separation of church and state whether they like it or not. Article by Steve Donaldson _____________________ Music News Weird Al Yankovic Let Down By Fan Late friday night in a guarded building just outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles, Weird Al Yankovic threw an after-show party. The guest of honor, however, didn't show up. One of their biggest fans, Steve snowbound had been invited to stay with Weird Al Yankovic after the show. "We had mailed an invitation and plane tickets to Steve after learning from a friend of theirs how much of a fan they were." Said a spokesman for Weird Al Yankovic. "But after Steve failed to show up at the airport, numerous attempts were made at contacting Steve by phone, but we never got through." Weird Al Yankovic feels that such a missed opportunity is a sad one, especially since Steve was such a big fan. Maybe Steve's luck will change in the future, though. But it is highly doubtful, seeing as how this in many respects, was a once in a lifetime experience. ___________________ National Weather News Service The outskirts of Bartlett, Wilders-Forest, were badly damaged today when a twister came roaring in, devistating homes and damaging property. One resident, Bubba B., managed to get their family below ground just before the tornado ripped through their house. "I was on my porch, widdlin'." Said B., "My joints started to ache so I knews we was in for a storm. Not more than 30 minutes later, I hear the dogs whinin' and yelpin like theys got some place to go and no way to get there. And Billy Joe, I seen him come a runnin'. He was all yellin' somethin' about a tornader. and jessie was yellin' for skeeter to lock up the chickens. next thing I know debris starts a flyin' this way. We all head for the storm shelter and skeeter nearly got his britches torn off by the wind. All 9 of us managed to get inside without no harm to us. I thank the good Lord for that." Bubba was very lucky, indeed. The tornado left 27 dead and 43 others injured with still 15 missing. The national guard has been called in to help those in need. The damage is estimated to be nearly $5,000. Clean up is already underway and businesses should be open again by early next week. __________________________ Fascinating Facts! ************** In a recent study, it has been found that people with the name bigbuck (Baked Bean Man) are 10 times more likely to pass gas in cars than other people. The study also shows that people with the name bigbuck (Baked Bean Man) pass gas in elevators and other confined spaces just as often. Quick fact! 7/5th of all people don't understand fractions. ___________________________ A recent study shows that people with the name BeetleBoss are twice as likely to become addicted to the internet. Often times, these people will spend several hours a day online chatting to their friends or downloading pictures. These people are also twice as likely to get addicted to television. Or, in some cases, rap music. Quick fact! 43% of all statistics are useless ____________________________ A recent study shows that people with the name Marja are 98% less likely to have scuff marks or wear on their work boots. And, in addition to this, they are 90% less likely to find money that's hidden under their work boots. Quick fact! 7/5th of all people don't understand fractions. ____________________________________ News from the Nose Pickers Society: Welcoming Our Newest Members ! Thank you for making the Nose Pickers Society so successful. Without your continued support and donations, it would not be even close to what it is today. We would like to welcome our newest members. We send our thanks out to all of them for stepping forward and becoming proud members of the Nose Pickers Society. Mark Stewart, Tulsa John Avery, Carson City Steven beetlejuice, Totoville/Kansas Sarah Neilson, Omaha Steve Alvin, Aguanga Hills Alison Fields, Peterson Brad Carlson, Essex http://www.strangereports.com/images/nose.jpg Nose picking is a natural process and shouldn't be frowned upon. _________________________________ StrangeReports.com News Man Caught Peeping In Toilet Police were called to a parking lot in Ye Olde New England, Monday afternoon where they caught a man identified as Ed BigEd. Apparently, he had dressed himself in clothing made of trash bags and crawled into a portable toilet. A woman discovered Ed vomiting on himself and gasping for air in the 130 degree temperatures. Police had to cut the toilet open to remove BigEd. "We don't even know how he managed to get in there in the first place." Said Officer Jack O'Conner. When asked why he was in the portable toilet, BigEd responded, "I was looking for treasure." BigEd will be sent to the Sunnydale Mental Health Facility in Sunnydale, California for mental analysis and observation. Officials suspect that he may have been hiding in the portable toilet for nearly 6 hours, until the midday sun heated it to nearly lethal temperatures. Why he was hiding in the toilet is still unclear. But, they do know that he was lucky to get out alive. Deputies hosed BigEd off before letting him into the back of their car, where he was then escorted to the police station for questioning. http://www.strangereports.com/images/portabletoilet.jpg Portable Toilet Similar to the one that BigEd was found in. Who have we been dealing with !!!