one liners

I'm on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

 

I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

 

Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

 

Duke Nukem (on killing enemies in Manhattan Project):- ''Rest in pieces!'

 

A guy had a GeForce FX 5800 Ultra graphics card on his PC. A friend asked him why he was using a hair dryer in his computer.

 

43% of all statistics are worthless.

 

90% of men kiss their wife off when they leave for work. The rest kiss their house when they leave their wife.

 

I wonder why you need a driver's license to drink liquor if you cant drink or drive?

 

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

 

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

 

What do you call a classic? Something that everyone wants to read but no one has!

 

Computers can make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

 

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

 

Sir, our experts say that something went wrong in the jet landing.

 

Latest headlines: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.

 

You might be an engineer if you introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife

 

You might be an engineer if you stare hard at an orange juice container because it says 'concentrate'.

 

A man wanted to design a car. His friend told him to use CAD applications. So the next day he sat down on his computer and began drawing on the board.

 

A computer can beat us at anything except kick boxing.

 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

 

the dog who comes to the flea circus will steal the show!!!

 

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.