one liners

'Carpe Diem' does not mean 'fish of the day'.

 

proximo sed nolo fumigare (Close, but no cigar)

 

Illiud Latine dici non potest - You can't say that in Latin

 

It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful
--Anton Szandor LaVey

 

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
(When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults)

 

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield.

 

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams.

 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield.

 

Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate.

 

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

 

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

 

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

 

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

.

 

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

 

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

 

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

 

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

 

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

 

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

 

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

 

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.