one liners

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

 

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do .

 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

 

I recently went on a Whisky Diet and lost a fortnight...



Cochise,

He who laughs last didn't really get the Joke.....

 

The difference between a Drunk and a Alcoholic is you don't have to go to all those damn AA Meetings......



Cochise,

 

If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

 

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are

 

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

 

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

 

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

 

I don't need clones. You have to feed them. What I need is a doppelganger.

 

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight

 

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA

 

During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs.

Excerpts from History Essays

 

After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside.

 

The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation.

That must be after they tried to cure them of the stagmentation defenestration Right, BB or BigE

 

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

 

a dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

 

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - John F. Kerry

 

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - John F. Kerry

 

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting with them as your phone company.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.