Need Decent One Liners Please

she is an earth sign and I am a water sign. Toghther we make mud.

 

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
--Henny Youngman

 

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
--Henny Youngman

 

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
--Henny Youngman

 

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
--Henny Youngman

 

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 

Guns don't kill people--it's those darn bullets!
--Jake Johansen

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

 

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

 

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

 

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

 

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

 

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

 

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
--Henny Youngman

 

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
--(allegedly Mark Twain)

 

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
--George Carlin

 

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
--George Burns

 

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
--George Burns

 

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
--George Burns

 

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
--Rodney Dangerfield