Jokes told from the computer store

[move]Blaze go pick some jokes from the net! It's your turn now ![/move]




CHINESE PROVERBS
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> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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> Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish
this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for
t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"


Uguel

 

LOL lol lol i liked that one it was funny yet a clean joke lol

hope you doing well today Uguel707

 

Now Close Your Eyes And...
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."



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Sent in by Lee W. Kirkpatrick, who believes that most of the world's problems would be solved if our leaders would just sit down with their leaders over 10 or 12 cases of beer.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." -- Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -- Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." -- Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." -- Plato

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -- W.C. Fields

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -- Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." -- David Moulton

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." -- Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -- Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." -- Dean Martin

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Keeper of the Sacred Beer Can Opener

 

Entrance Exam for Athletes

Entrance Exam
College Athlete Version
Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

a) build a bridge
b) sail the ocean
c) lead an army or
d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?

a) Jewish
b) Catholic
c) Hindu
d) Polish
e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

a) Westerners
b) Southerners
c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

a) Macy's
b) a 7-11
c) Canada
d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

a) yes
b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium

-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

a) New York
b) Florida
c) Canada
d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have ?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation.) stand for?

 

lolllll thx lmao he he he

 

LooooooooooooooL to both of you!

They make my day!

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan

The "Entrance Exam for Athletes " questions were very good too!
I wonder if they would "pass" that test?

*I'm doing well Blaze, thankx!
Hope you are doing well too !

Bye!

Uguel

 

Kayak practice video...

splash!

videohere


Uguel

 

Just a suggestion for the PC makers...


Uguel

 

i think you just set woman back 60 years with that joke lol

i dont think are new woman president here in the usa would aprechiate that lol opps did i let that out

 

Hi Blaze!

With due respect to what you said. Generally speaking, no matter how "advanced" society is, the more you're looking good, the better the chance you have to succeed in life. Especially for a girl/woman. No matter "how smart" or "educated" you are, the way you look still matters a lot.
We see it everyday, everywhere. From the office to the schoolyard. That's the reality.

And, ANW, even important women, or very talented
ones, manage to look good in order to be "accepted"

That's the way it is... (long sigh...)

Uguel

 

I finally found something to contribute to the thread...

 

Uguel707 i saw this and thought of you lol its you and me danceing lol

will that suck the pic was to big lol

 

will that ok i found a picture of you me and fan j guess which one i am

in this picture is me lol

 

Funny pic Dan!

it's too easy mr. Blaze!
Blaze is right there-------------------------------------->

Uguel<------->FanJ

 

Alright, who went and gave that Mr. Blaze that long knife. He'll poke someone's *eye* out!!!!

 

Lol ! No *wonder* Uguel and FanJ look worried! Someone better give Blaze his wooden spoon back!

 

Has anyone seen mr. Blaze?

We went at the aquarium park yesterday and I lost him when walking by the pool...

 

Lol

It's a good thing you didn't lead him to the shark exhibit first!!

 

No worries!

Blaze has already taken his sword with him.
Just check what happened to one of the fish in there!

Oh I think I can see Blaze dancing ?

Am I hallucinating things?

 

heh, heh, well Blaze with a sword huh?, then my pity is all for the poor vicious sharks!!!


Hmmm, also, I notice that the ShamuCam here at Sea World is not working now. Blaze did you have an "accident" over there too?

http://www.shamu.com/Html/ShamuCam.html

 

Since mr. Blaze seems very difficult too find,

Here' s how he looked before I lost him...
Then look carefully...
You'll find him!


Uguel

 

Loooooooooolllll !!!

You should create a Lost Poster for him