Jokes told from the computer store

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Uguel707, Jun 22, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    Mmmmm, let me know if it works or not 'cause it seems to open randomly...Once it worked after it did not... o_O

    Uguel

    if it doesn't work, I might try stg different...
     
  2. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    lol lmao for a minute there i thought the girl was you cause she did my smiley toung out sticking thing like my icon lol lmao

    lol lmao i busted a gut when doggy took off lol
     
  3. Detox

    Detox Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2002
    Posts:
    8,507
    Location:
    Texas, USA
    heehee that's really good ! whee
     
  4. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    Glad you like it. :) The girl is a coincidence, You're right she's doing the same trick as your avatar. I have many similitudes with her though.
    O! that lady in the end with her Great Dane is just so.. :D

    Uguel
     
  5. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
  6. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    need more jokes
     
  7. Pieter_Arntz

    Pieter_Arntz Spyware Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2002
    Posts:
    13,469
    Location:
    Netherlands
    OK I went out and "borrowed" something for you:

    Oxymorons to Ponder

    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
    If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
    Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
    Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
    Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
    Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
    Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
    Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
    Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
    Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
    Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
    If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
    Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
    Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
    How come abbreviated is such a long word?
    Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
    Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
     
  8. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    :D so true so true
     
  9. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    More jokes... :D

    CHINESE PROVERBS:

    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Virginity like bubble, one ***** , all gone.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who run in front of car get tired.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. :
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Three guys walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They raise their glasses and make a toast,"Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast,"Here's to 59!" This goes on for a while, and finally the bartender asks the guys what it's all about. "We put together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle in just 59 days!" says one of the guys. "Is that good?" asks the bartender. "I'll say!" says the guy. "The box said five years and up!"

    :D Uguel
     
  10. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    :Dlol lol lol lol big hug i messed you where have you been also messed fan j
     
  11. sakharg

    sakharg Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Posts:
    62
    Okay, here goes.....this will be part of a series........

    Lord of the Rings:
    The Secret Diary Of Aragorn,
    Son Of Arathorn

    Day 1

    Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good.

    Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles.

    Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

    Still not King.

    Day 4

    Stuck on mountain with Hobbits.

    Boromir really annoying.

    Not King yet.

    Day 6

    Orcs killed: none. Disappointing.

    Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!

    Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli.

    Holding myself back.

    Still not King.

    Day 10

    Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria.

    Big Balrog.

    Not King today either.

    Day 11

    Orcs killed: 7. Very good.

    Stubble update: Looking mangy.

    Legolas may be hotter than me.

    I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

    Day 28

    Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.

    Have a feeling if I make move, Sam would kill me.

    Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

    Still not King.

    Day 30

    In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

    Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!

    But still not King.

    Day 32

    Orcs killed: none.

    Stubble update: subtly hairy.

    Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

    I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

    Nope, not King.

    Day 33

    Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very very good.

    Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer.

    Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

    Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.

    Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was.

    Might, however, have been blood loss.

    Day 34

    Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.

    Why? My God, is everyone in this Fellowship gay but me?

    Not so sure about me either.

    Still not King, goddammit.
     
  12. Dan Perez

    Dan Perez Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    May 18, 2003
    Posts:
    1,495
    Location:
    Sunny San Diego
    Too funny Uguel (and quite naughty! :eek: ) ;) :D

    You get a cookie for those (but no milk!) :D
     

    Attached Files:

  13. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    :D You get cookie from me to lol i hadnt laugh so hard it was great lol tell me thers more of those
     
  14. sakharg

    sakharg Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Posts:
    62
    I'm sure people have seen these before, but what the heck.........

    General Student Bloopers

    "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

    "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

    "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

    "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

    "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

    "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

    "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

    "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

    "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

    "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

    "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

    "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

    "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

    "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

    "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

    "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

    "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

    "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

    "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

    "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

    "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

    "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

    "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

    "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

    "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

    "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

    "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

    "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

    "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

    "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medicaldoctor."

    "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

    "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

    "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

    "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
     
  15. Dan Perez

    Dan Perez Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    May 18, 2003
    Posts:
    1,495
    Location:
    Sunny San Diego
    Lol! I always thought those deacons had an evil look to them!!

    That sounds like something from the Salem witch-trials!

    :D
     
  16. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    quote from Blaze:
    http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgAiA9MVFhffIG3m7zNmGP8ykLkj*zWzRMFlVTiPcfolJijicVi!*kJl4TVbgUym8R*ABYVFyH66NO!3SctDwG82PdxjSzLt*8a4KhWL2Sc/carousel.gif?dc=4675433186725169639

    Uguel was to the forest gone.... :)

    Hi Blaze!

    It's good to talk to you again. (warm hugs)
    Was at "The National Park
    of La Mauricie" Quebec, Canada. Twas the perfect place to tell friends about :
    "Blaze go to the Summer Camp" :D
    -- And, don't worry we may come and go but most of all come back."

    There was a funny thing that happened at the N. Park:

    As we were swimming into Wapizagonke lake, just under a bridge, two ladies passed nearby, very proud, heads hanging straight up and then "Bang"! They collided into one of the pylons that was holding the bridge! They was no damage at all! But the situation was so funny, there was plenty of room to pass there, but nay!, they chose to collide right into the Pylon. Moreover, they were not sitting in the right place in the canoe--that made things harder-- and couldn't get freed from their position. They got stuck! So, we swam to their canoe and pushed them ashore. But I understand it wasn't the ladies fault much. They just didn't know how to manage with a canoe and maybe to shy too ask "how" to the canoe renters. ;)
    It's good to see some new people posting in here too! ;)
    Okay more jokes:

    Thick Glasses:

    You glasses are so thick you could turn them backwards and tell me what happened yesterday

    Your glasses are so thick, I can see what color your eyes are before I see what color your shirt is

    Yourglasses are so thick you can look on a map and see people waving...

    Descartes


    Descartes is sitting in a bar when the bartender comes over to him and says, "Hey buddy, would you like another drink?"

    Descartes shakes his head and says, "I think not." and then disappears in a puff of logic.

    Babies


    Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
    other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the
    other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said
    the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
    "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
    He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared
    beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
    grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
    "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's
    quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

    Computer

    The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

    His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

    "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

    "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

    Sedentary 'n Overweight People Jokes:


    *My doctor started me on a new exercise program. Now he puts my food on the floor and makes me bend over and pick it up.

    *My body is a temple, with ample parking in the rear!


    *I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

    *I do one sit-up a day. I get up in the morning - that's half. I lay down at night - that's the other half

    *Exercise to me Is to eat faster

    *I love sea food:
    I sea (see) food and I eat it.

    Enjoy!

    Uguel :)
     
  17. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2003
    Posts:
    2,842
    Location:
    on the sofa
    :Dlol i wish i was thee to see that lol

    would had been funny

    im right now haveing a blast im eating oreo cookies and drinking big glass of milk

    while reading these jokes its great id recomend it to all

    takes the edge off of life lol

    thx for your post i enjoy them
     
  18. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    You bet it was. Moreover, they were not dressed for it at all!
    They were dressed like people who just came out from the office. So, they wouldn't dare coming out the canoe and were too proud to ask anyone for help. But it was a pity to see them spinning round and round. So, instead of offering our help---they would have refused it, anw, too proud they were--- We decided to go and fetch for them. Then after, we showed them how to sit and handle the canoe. They were doing fine after. they were pleased and grateful.

    Enjoy your Oreos and milk!

    Oh! I've got some more jokes that I'll put here soon...

    Bye,
    Uguel :)
     
  19. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    Picked Tonight. :D LOL
    Wacht this out!

    "Yo Mama Jokes"

    Yo Mama is so old she was the DJ at the Boston Tea Party :

    yo mama is so ugly, that her mama had to feed her wit a slingshot!

    Yo mama so fat...she sat on a rainbow and it rained lucky charms

    yo mamma so fat, she wore highheels and struck oil :D
    -is so ugly, when she was a baby, her incubator had tinted windows
    -is so stupid she bought a solar powered flashlight..
    -is so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
    -braids are so tight she looks like she got stitches.
    -teeth are so yellow every time she smiles she spits butter
    -is so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
    -is so poor she has to take the trash IN!
    -is so poor I came over for dinner and saw three beans on the table; I took 1, & she said "Don't be greedy!"
    -is so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
    -is so fat, she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops.
    -is so fat, she sat on a quarter and got two dimes and a nickel. :D
    -is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
    -is so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight. :p
    -is so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
    -is so fat, when she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy.
    -is so fat, she couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.
    -is so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.
    -is so fat, when I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas.

    YOU'RE SO POOR ...

    -beggars give you money.
    -someone saw you kicking a can down the street, & when asked what they were doing you said, "moving".
    -if they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"
    -i walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?" :D
    -your parents got married for the rice.
    -i saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."
    -someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.
    -when someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."
    -you go to KFC and lick other people's fingers.
    -you buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.
    -burglars bring things to you.
    -i walked into your house and stepped on a roach, and your mom yelled out, "Save me the white meat!"


    Yo momma is so fat that when she walked outside wearing a red shirt everybody yelled. "KOOL AID, KOOL AID" :D
    yo mama so fat everytime she turn around it her birthday
    Yo mama so bad a police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

    Yo mama so fat that when she told me her weight i thought it was her phone number.

    - Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, that it looks like she got Don King in a headlock...


    Ho! Ho! Ho!

    Uguel :D :D :D
     
  20. Dan Perez

    Dan Perez Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    May 18, 2003
    Posts:
    1,495
    Location:
    Sunny San Diego

    hee, hee, hee

    :D
     
  21. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
  22. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    LOL, for you guitar player....

    Uguel
     

    Attached Files:

  23. Dan Perez

    Dan Perez Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    May 18, 2003
    Posts:
    1,495
    Location:
    Sunny San Diego
    LOL! Hmmm, I seem to be having some trouble with that high E string, can't get it to sound quite right. :doubt: :D

    Thank you friend Uguel!

    Please enjoy a cookie for your trouble!

    Uguel Nibbling Cookies -> [​IMG]
     
  24. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    But I'm afraid I'll become "The Virtually Fat Yo Mama"

    :D :D :D

    Uguel
     
  25. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Posts:
    2,999
    Location:
    San Diego
    Miscellanies


    A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard
    sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a
    yard sale."


    "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you
    found," her friend replied.


    "Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set." :D

    ****************************************************

    Docter's Writing o_O


    Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

    The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. :D

    Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

    It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

    And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

    ****************************************************

    A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

    The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

    The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

    He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!"
    he shouts!

    Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws.
    He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate
    out the window.

    The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?
    How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

    Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these
    questions?"

    The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the
    chandelier falling on them!"

    ****************************************************

    Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the
    paintings.

    One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered
    all over it.

    The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint
    streaked across it.

    Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

    "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

    "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"


    Uguel :D
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.