Jokes told from the computer store

Southern Edition of Windows 2000
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000, Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: Winders 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

Please also note:


The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up.
Changes in Terminology in Southern Edition:

OK........................ats aw-right

Cancel....................stopdat

Reset.....................try er agin

Yes.......................yep

No........................noop

Find......................hunt fer it

Go to.....................over yonder

Back......................back yonder

Help......................hep me out here

Stop......................kwitit

Start.....................crank er up

Settings..................settins

Programs..................stuff at duz stuff

Documents.................stuff ah done did
Also note that Southern Edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:

Tiperiter.................A word processing program

colerin book..............a graphics program

cyferin mersheen..........calculator

outhouse paper............notepad

iner-net..................Microsoft Explorer 4.0

pichers...................A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho



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A public service announcement, shared with us by Jerry T. Arzdorf. The "T" stands for TechnoGeek.
Computer Chip: Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that they have some downright civil rats.)

CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor and Supreme Arch Techno-Weenie
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

 

When Not To Re-use Computer Code
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson: Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

From the June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports. Item taken from Software Testing and Quality Engineering magazine, Volume 1, Issue 6 (November/December 1999)


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Sent in by Daniel Nichols, a software programmer in Gainesville, Florida, who is currently developing battlefield scenarios for the Department of Defense on the capabilities of the U.S. Army's M-1 armadillo main battle tank.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob, not a herd.

A large kangaroo can hop thirty feet at a time.

Kangaroos comes in all sizes because there is more than one species.

A newborn kangaroo weighs about 0.03 ounces and can fit in a teaspoon.

Do you know the names of the mother kanagaroo and her son in the Winnie the Pooh books?

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Thomas R. Fasulo, your 1/2 American and 1/2 Australian Editor who begs his readers not to think that Foster's swill is a typical Australian beer.
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter

 

Hi Blazing Son !

Neither the grasshppers...

Where can I get a copy of:
"The Southern Edition of Window 2000"
It seems even more comprehensible than Windows XP?

Bye, Uguel

 

I'm allowed to post this as my best friends are geordies
(for non uk readers Geordies are uk residents from the north of England with a unique accent)

http://www.jardmail.co.uk/attachments/windaz2000.gif

 

lol lol lol lol lol lmao loooooooooooooollllllll

 

Hi Tinribs!

Saw that Windaz

Uguel

 

How about this Dolphin Stress test, after so much LOL LOL LOL ?
http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress

 

Holy cow! What was that dolphin doing in that field with a shark?

 

Yeah, the site has some nice things.

 

I saw a dolphin and sorta dinosaur next to it....

I'm maybe wrong ....no wonders they gave me 2 months vacations.

Uguel

 

omg im insaine i saw a cow with dolphine lol lmao

 

Two more tests.

Picture 1: Try to find a dog in this picture
--You have to be very close to the picture...if not it won't work--

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDOAoMU37wnaePNcUDTRNE8iN3d4X!LfHdFU4ojfGwoVeCIRH1hoVA0RCIlfBhnQsdZW2hRaethwwYhbf!gEe*Y003XzV*yc4IVe17sVLU/chien.gif?dc=4675429224417555209

...........................................................................................

Picture 2: How many letters can you see?

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QADPAkYTNGx8yUUCNGdw8c!zxkoV5DazVbBRGKBd8apDjoODAuqBkUOZiLdolKGTFpeKtGEN8LkENRfpjub7goIf5uWnjJHBzozPAgBwGhk/ee.gif?dc=4675429224424040610

Uguel

 

LOL LOL lmao that really missed with my head as nothing happend i look closer thinking where dogy and wham lol there dogy i jumped back lol

i guess the gif is well timed

 

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOl I got you Mr. Blaze!
About the letters did you have a guess...? Some people don't agree too well...I'll have my say later. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag yet...

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Funny Life Questions:

--What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

--I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

--Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

--How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

--Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag?

--If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

--Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

--Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

==Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

--if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

--on the bottom of boxes why do they put do not turn over? (isnt it a little to late)

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Exercise: To Heck With It!
told by sedentary people

At the gym where I work out, the pre- teen class is optimistically dubbed
"Olympic Hopes." The weight-loss program is called "Olympic Hips."


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.


I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Bye, Uguel

 

LOL I ONLY SEE LETTER E Hey these are great jokes i like comeing here every morning it healthy to laugh and smile

 

Hi Blaze!

Well, I'l tell you what...

For the letters, there are:

1. The big letter E

2. Then on the other side you'll side the letter "L"
(you must bend your head)

3. Then there are two kinda of "z". But I'm must agree that they aren't perfect.

Hey! I'm going to change "Uguel at Cello" tell me if you like the second best...Bye.

--Go watch her change o.k.?--
I made another gif tonight but it was much simpler...
Uguel

 

It's already done!

I've got riddles now:

1. Your parents have a kid, that child isn't your brother or sister, who is he/she?

2. Two people drives at 60 an hour but the sign shows a max of 50 an hour. Yet, they haven't committed any offence. Why?

3. Is it possible for a man to marry his widow's sister?

--these are tricky question, think twice--

Uguel

Schnutt! I forgot to put my new ani

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QgDTAugT9ZVtgwq8g9BPo0Q2Ola0nb5Xhiwb1cTbihTKi4nGrT3WCRdXuiWRWH7CxvedQLVme1ER9lbVDTUCYxfHElSDnq3nWDnUfGz0dIU/red1.gif?dc=4675429356450024529

 

1. a goat

2. travelling at 60 kph, signed limit is 50 mph

3. only if he can come back from the dead

cool image

 

Godd Evening Dan!

Not bad, not bad. You've got number 2 and 3.
The answer for number one is "yourself".
Don't forget that I said "your parent" that means I was talking to you as a human being
I'm glad you like my last ani for the cello one took me almost one week!--Had to rely one my eyes only!--Whereas the red girl here took me just one hour tonight!

Uguel

 

lol, wait a sec., I never said *I* was a goat, it can be the case that my parents are farmers and they have a pet baby goat (i.e. kid). Not the answer you were looking for, perhaps, but it fits the case nonetheless

Do you play the cello as well as draw them?

The cello is my second favorite orchestral instrument, the first being the oboe

 

Oh sure!

I play the guitar, the flute and a bit of keybard. Mostly guitar.
No , I don't play the cello even if I would like to try. I agree with you it has a nice nostalgic sound. My aunt was boarding musicians, we have every free tickets we want for concerts. We could speak to them everytime I was visiting my cousin.
I don't have specific music studies but a diploma in "Teaching Fine Arts" and then I decided to keep on college for "Teaching English as a Second Language". Twas good for I had many courses credited from the first diploma. Both are useful to me. I don't regret anything. But the computer business was quite new for me. First, I learned with books then I decided to come to forums to learn more. I learn from people's topics mostly.

Bye, Uguel


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More Riddles and Jokes:

Riddles

1. Philip's uncle's sister isn't her aunt. Who is she?

2. You can take several letters away from me and I won't bother at all.
Who am I?

3. Can you put a bookmark between page 21 and 22 of a book?

4. Which date (date of 4 numbers) is the same when you turn in upside down?

5. How do you obtain twenty just by taking away one?

6. How do you get to 14 with 5 number one?

7. When did Rembrant paint Mona LIsa?

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Jokes:

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard
over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over
Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at
3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
........................................................................................................................

Just some family thoughts:


1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have
seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you
for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb
the fence!

13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.

....................................................................................................................

The Accident Note

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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken
and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending
vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under
the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
_________________

Funny Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of

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1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score
stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.


2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.


3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100%
record.


4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.


5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all
the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.


6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.


7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which
strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.


8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the
other need to score two to win.


9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.


10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made,
but there were eight.

.......................................................................................................................

A Good Looking Gentleman

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive
restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy,
then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked
pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown
into the alley like a common bum?"


"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.


"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid
I'll have to trouble you again..."
..........................................................................................................................


A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard
sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a
yard sale."


"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you
found," her friend replied.


"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for
me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
_________________

 

Ah, a fellow guitar enthusiast!!! There's nothing like playing guitar for relaxation! I play almost exclusively acoustic guitar (Neil Young, Pink Floyd, Lemonheads, Rolling Stones as well as my own stuff). I tried learning recorder and keyboards but it didn't stick I also used to play some classical guitar but I forgot most of it.

Seeya

 

Don't worry we never really loose it. It comes back after a couple of days of practice. The worst part of playing guitar is the pain it does to the tip of your fingers. Besides, when you can read the music and know at least twenty chords, it's already good. I have an acoustic guitar and a little classical one. I use to take it when my fingers hurt too much. Especially at fisrt. I like the ones you said and I like Gordon Lightfoot too. "If you can read my mind" Black Days in July" and so on...Keyboard is good for learning the music
but since most of all favourite songs sound better with the guitar, --to me-- I would rather use a guitar.

Bye, twas nice talking to you
Uguel

 

Quite right!

After reading the riddle a second time, I realised there are 2 possibilities in the word "kid" . It could be the baby goat as well. So I changed it
for "child". Bye.

Uguel

 

hey
we can start the official wilders band, we already have 2 guitars, i play guitar, drums, bass.. depending on the style of music i could be vocalist too... growling.... don't have any acoustics though.. marshall stacks is the way to go with me....