Jokes told from the computer store

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Uguel707, Jun 22, 2003.

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  1. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    Thank you Blaze! Most of the computer jokes were taken from the web. Except my experience with a dog callled Symantec and my old aunt one. All jokes on women and men are made up from me. They are just informations gathered from observation or experiment. ;)

    (I'm going to read your lasts post now)

    More Reasons Why It's good to be a woman....

    1.Women live longer than men.
    2.Men wear rubber shoes and lose them in the street.
    3.The men clothes in the Sears catalog are the same since the seventies.
    4. Women can dance all evening without getting tired.
    5.Men would rather sit, drink and get bored
    6.ANW, most men don't know what to do on a dancing floor.
    7.Men go training in a gymn but are always too tired to vacuum the floor.
    8.When there is stg to lift, we call his arms while women just have to look.
    9.Most men are allergic to shopping, women aren't and love it.
    10.They use to be grumpy in the morning.
    11. If we say a compliment to a man, he would give you a look of smug satisfaction and never say thank you.
    12. Woman speak and laugh of their faults, men hide them.

    But I'm glad we're different...if not, life would be boring! :D

    Jokes on women are to come...

    Bye Uguel
  2. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    I Love Her, But...

    ~~a collection of men's thoughts on their women~~

    ...she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
    --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
    she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
    --Ted, Wexford, Pa.
    what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
    --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
    you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
    --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
    my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
    --Miles, Shreveport, La.
    she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
    --Terence, Gary, Ind.
    she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
    --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
    she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
    --Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
    have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
    --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
    my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
    --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
    she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
    --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
    she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
    --Archie, St. Louis
    it annoys her that our children look like me.
    --James, New Orleans
    counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
    --Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
  3. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    I loved that's excellent!

    looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! :D :D :D

    Sure, kinda stuff everyone made in a summer camp!

    Bye, Uguel
  4. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    :D :D :D this is my favourite! All the other ones are good too!

    Here's a low calory cookie for mr. Blaze. Sure, Uguel doesn't want mr. Blaze putting on weight. ;)

    --Oh! sorry I have to wait a little before giving it...I gave one to sbd 30 minutes ago.They said "...just one cookie per hour" Don't worry, you'll get it!--

    Bye, Uguel
  5. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :Darnt these jokes great i use to have a huge collection of jokes at la femme nikita bord at warner brothers a tresure trove most of these jokes come frome lfn sos bord lol

    basicly an all woman bord lol xof la femme nikita fans probably one of the most strangest places in cyber space

    it strange when you go to warner brothers bord or sos bord you atomaticly think its a childrens bord lol

    full of kids but its actualy adults haveing the time of there life with smileys.

    i come from the land of [ lol ] lmao

    think of a place with thousands of me lol thats where im from the only major difrence to tell us apart is are usser names and im the little one that cant spell all others can lol

    so i stick out still in the group lol
  6. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :Dlol for those ever wondering where my first baby cyber steps came from here it is lol.

    then there was a war between the posters and the admin the great lfn bord war lol so we moved here

    by the way we were kicking the admins but at warner brothers lol

    he oe she sensore us then a member would refresh the page and repost what was deleted lol

    so imagine hundreds of people on the bord refreshing and as soon as the admin got done it was reposted imadiatly klol.

    and banding us was imposiable.

    new usser naqme in 4 mibutes flat lol

    yup the great bord war ahhhhhhh memorys
  7. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :Dok back to the jokes lol i been burrowing mine the the tower at sos time to fine more lol
  8. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :D so true


    The Horse and Mule live 30 years,
    And nothing know of wines and beers.
    The Goat and Sheep at 20 die,
    And never taste a Scotch or Rye.
    The Cow drinks water by the ton,
    And at 18 years is mostly done.
    Without the aid of Rum or Gin,
    The Dog at 15 cashes in.
    The Cat in milk or water soaks,
    And then in 12 short years it croaks.
    The modest, sober, bone-dry Hen,
    Lays eggs for Nog, then dies at 10.
    All animals are strickly dry.
    They sinless live, then swiftly die.
    But sinful, Ginful, Rum-soaked men,
    Survive for three-score years and ten.
    And some of us, a mighty few,
    Keep drinking 'till we're 92!
  9. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    A Love Story

    A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    And then, one evening while they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

    And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

    And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

    And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

    And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

    "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

    "What?" says Roger, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Roger.

    "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Roger.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

    "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

    "Yes," he says.

    (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

    "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Roger.

    "That way about time," says Elaine.

    "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

    (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    "Thank you, Roger," she says.

    "Thank you," says Roger.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

    The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

    Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
  10. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    I believe you in every aspects Blaze. There couldn't be 2 Blaze. That's just impossible! Unless you get cloned... :D

    Oh more jokes....


    An instructor in the BASIC programming language was teaching his class how to write a simple program and execute it. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type R-U-N and enter. A lady in the back of the class said that it didn't work. It turned out, when the instructor had said to type R-U-N, she had typed, "are you in."


    Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?"
    Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."
    Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]
    Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."
    Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."


    Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
    Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"

    Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
    Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."

    Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!"
    Him: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?"
    Customer: "I was dusting it."
    Recently I overheard two co-workers, the first of which was training the other one.

    Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
    Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"

    I work for an ISP. After two calls totaling 45 minutes with one customer, I asked him to bring his computer, in and I would configure it myself. He was a bit skeptical, so I assured him that he did not have to bring in the whole computer, just the CPU -- no monitor, cables, mouse or keyboard, just the CPU. He was not sure which part was the CPU, so I told him, "Just bring in the box -- the part with the CD-ROM drive and floppy drive." I explained this twice. Later he arrived with the cardboard box that his computer came in. I asked him where the computer was, he replied, "I thought you just needed to look at the box to see what model it was."

    Tech Support: "May I ask who's calling, please?"
    Customer: "You're joking."
    Tech Support: "No, I need to know so I can log the call. What's your name, please?"
    Customer: "You're joking!"
    Tech Support: "No, really! I need to know."
    Customer: "No...." (chuckles) "My name is Yuriy Jokin. I'm Russian. I know what my name means in English. It's very confusing!"

    Bye, Uguel
  11. root

    root Registered Member

    Feb 19, 2002
    Missouri, USA
    Little off topic, but my favorite joke.

    Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
    ====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky *barbecue?* with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled?it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    CAMERON: Momma?

    Write to the author at
  12. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :Dlol lol lol lol lol more more lol lol lol lol
  13. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    Married Too Long
    A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

    "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only l6?" he asked.

    "Yes I do," she replied.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember."

    "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

    "Yes I do," she said.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...... I would have gotten out today."

    Sent in by Jan Thomas... Well, I won't add anything that might get him into trouble.

    Married men live longer then single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he married her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

    How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

    Marriage is a three ring circus:

    Engagement ring
    Wedding ring

    "Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

    Marriage is a wonderful institution. It allows two persons to share the problems that they would not have had if they did not get married.
  14. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :DThe Male Commandments

    Thou shalt not rent Sleepless In Seattle.

    When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be.... it is not appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

    When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

    If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see 'nothin'.

    Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his felow partygoers.

    You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

    Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

    A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own ---- weed whacker, car, firstborn child ---- within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away Scott-free.

    It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.

    You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

    Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" PUNISHMENT: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.

    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

    Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

    No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.(In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

    The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed.

    Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.

    You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike item.

    When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.

    When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

    It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model... and it's free.

    When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).

    A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight if needed.

    The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.

    Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

    If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."
  15. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    Computers are Like Men...

    In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

    They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

    They hear what you say, but not what you mean.


    Computers are Like Women...

    No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

    The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.


    Things to do While Downloading

    Buff your mouse pad
    Make a list of things to download
    Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
    Count to 500 in "click" language
    Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
    Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

    11% DONE!

    Name the presidents

    Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
    Relace your shoes

    Read every classified listing for "programmers"
    Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
    Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection

    23% DONE!

    Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
    Alphabetize your diskettes
    Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
    Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together

    32% DONE!

    Cut your fingernails
    See how many words you can make from "download"
    Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
    Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
    Time to windex that monitor again!

    42% DONE!

    Might as well balance the old checkbook
    Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
    Weed out the rolodex
    Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that!
    French Braid (optional)

    52% DONE!

    "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
    Re-kid proof the butane lighter
    Solitaire round 2
    Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)

    65% DONE!

    Think of good domain names to pre-buy
    Persue the Egghead mailer again

    67% DONE!

    RE-label file folders in all caps
    Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
    73% DONE!

    Color code your extra cables
    78% DONE!

    Find all celebrities that share your birthdate

    83% DONE!

    Nerf basketball to 100!

    94% DONE!

    100 situps

    98% DONE!

    Get ready.....
    Connection Terminated - Start over!
  16. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    Mr. Blaze, I copied many of your jokes to tell my friends...thank you!

    from Root...
    Root, you did well by telling it. It made my day! Made me think of a very strong sauce I tasted in a Cameroonian party held at college. Oh boy it was strong! All people were lining for water after tasting it! :D :D :D

    Cheers! Uguel
  17. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :D actualy most these from ladys at sos and one of my fave websites the jokes i store in memory are nc 17 jokes and not permited on bords except sos lol those lady have a pervy since of huemor lol

    but the ones i post here and there are really my faves

    thers lots of great jokes out there and i know many people here got some good ones lol
  18. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
    which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota. This
    recipe was submitted by a youth minister.

    Bachelor Salad

    1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
    (any kind, not Roquefort)

    Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
    over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!


    Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need of MORE

    Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?

    NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!

    In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100% refund!

    The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of chopping
    vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20 yards, on
    the lowest power setting no less!

    Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by psychologists
    have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is made just
    for you!

    Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and repaint his

    Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!

    The possibilities are endless!

    Send $19.95 to:

    Jason Ferguson Industries
    Hubbell Hall rm 321
    Commerce, TX 75428-2805

    Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us money!
    Then we decide!
  19. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    A few jokes on virus...

    I work for the internal tech support of a company. One day I received an amusing call.

    Customer: "I found a bug in my computer."
    Tech Support: "How do you know it's really a bug?"
    Customer: "I can see it."
    Tech Support: "You can physically see a bug in your computer?"
    Customer: "Yes."
    This was definitely worth a trip to his office. When I got there, I saw an anti-virus warning, which included a graphic of a hand holding a bug. I explained that the anti-virus software had discovered a virus on his system.
    Customer: "Well, can you give me another computer so I can let this one rest and recover for a couple of days?"
    I cleaned the virus off his system and told him his computer was feeling better now.


    I received a call from a woman. She had been told in a previous call that her computer was infected by a trojan virus and wanted to know where to begin disinfecting the computer. I asked her what software she was using, but she sounded a little confused. After a few minutes, I learned that she had dismantled her computer and was preparing to wipe everything down with Lysol, a disinfecting cleaner. :eek:

    It took me another minute to compose myself and try to tell her to stop before she ruined her computer. I don't know if she did, as I never heard from her again -- and it took me ten minutes to stop laughing.


    When the infamous "ILOVEYOU" email virus hit, I saw TV news coverage that included an interview with some bubblebrained company secretary. At one point she said, "Oh, I saw we had dozens of these emails coming in, and of course I was suspicious, but I had to open just one of them because, you know, 'I Love You!' *giggle* I had to just see what it was about, you know?" :oops:


    Uguel :D
  20. sakharg

    sakharg Registered Member

    Jun 22, 2003
    Here's some examples of legal humour: these cross-examinations are taken from actual court transcripts!

    Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A. Borofkin.
    Q. What's his first name?
    A. I can't remember.
    Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
    his first name?
    A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
    and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
    your first name!

    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A. No.

    Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A. By death.
    Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

    Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A. My ex-widow said it.

    Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
    Cherney, and said he was really good.

    Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months November 8th.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
    A. Four times.

    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

    Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his

    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
    identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.

    Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

    THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
    information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

    Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
    were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
    not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
    she, with him to the station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
    school do you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.

    Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A. She is my daughter.
    Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
    there was a victim?

    Q. ...and what did he do then?
    A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
    A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the

    Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
    observe with respect to your scalp?
    A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q. It was covered?
    A. Yes, bandaged.
    Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
    put on top of my head.

    Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A. I could see his head.
    Q. And where was his head?
    A. Just above his shoulders.

    Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
    A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
    sonofabitch - and she did!

    Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

    Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
    trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A. The victim lived.

    Q. Are you sexually active?
    A. No, I just lie there.

    Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
    objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
    A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

    Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A. It indicates intercourse.
    Q. Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.

    Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  21. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    from Sakhar

    Very good Sakhar! I like them. I haven't got that kinda jokes yet. Sure, there must be funny things at the courthouse... :D

    Bye! Uguel
  22. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :D Uguel707 LOL LOL you have to go rent this movie i busted my a$$ laughing so hard i hadnt laughed that hard since the pingwions lol lol lol

    the movie is called how to lose a guy in 10 days lol

    god how refreshing it was great
  23. Uguel707

    Uguel707 Graphic Artist

    Nov 9, 2002
    San Diego
    Hi Blaze!

    I've already written it down. It sound very funny. Hey! We've got a store where you can rent movies just for 1$
    Of course, it's pretty crowded. But not as much during the day. I'll see about it tomorrow. Do you think we got it in Canada? B'cause movies arrive about 2 months after the States...ANW. I,ll check that.
    --Blaze, remember the funy story you told me kinda

    "Blaze go to Summercamp"

    Well, I'm glad I'm not working anymore for that story is stuck in my mind and I can't keep serious for too long...
    It's always coming back... :D :D :D
    Probably because after reading lots of your posts I could get a very accurate picture of you and your circle and so on and then the whole scenario kept playing and I...
    bust laughing! :D :D :D
    Sure, I have a very busy year and I'm very tired and I got kinda weak.

    Bye my friend!
  24. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :Dlol you think im funny you should talk to lowwater lol he cracks me up
  25. Mr.Blaze

    Mr.Blaze The Newbie Welcome Wagon

    Feb 3, 2003
    on the sofa
    :D some one had post this here awhile back and it still cracks me up lol

    some one should really make a broacher and send it to your frinds who always complaine about pc stuff and problems lol

    Should Your Loved One be Placed in an Assisted Computing Facility

    For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. Maybe the time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
    What exactly is an "Assisted Computing Facility"?

    Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

    Who should be in an ACF?

    Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.

    You must ask yourself: "How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail attachment?" "How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."
    Must it be family, or can I place anyone in an ACF?

    Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
    How much will it cost?

    ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

    Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen. Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
    How old must I be to have someone committed?

    Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou e-mail and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "It came from someone we know."
    What should I look for in an ACF?

    First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!," this is probably assisted computing.

    Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should never answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
    Can an ACF resident ever get out?

    OK, this sounds promising. How can I learn more?

    For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

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