Jokes told from the computer store

Here are some computers jokes I've picked recently. Some of them could have happened to a newby like me...
Most computer users understand that you need an operating system to use a computer practically, even if it is not clear why. But many users don't.

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Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."

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Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

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Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

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Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"

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A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

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Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"

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Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"

Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"

Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you ust sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
Tech Support: "And that is what?"
Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac.

Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.


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Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

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Have a nice day! --if you do have jokes, I'll be happy to read yours...-- Uguel

 

That not funny you posting my conversation with you for tech support.

I didnt think you hang at wilders mr or ms gate way tech support

 

I love reading those tech support funnies!

 

These are nice, thanks!
there is more fun stuff in the computer area overhere
http://diamondcs.com.au/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=418

 

Hi folks!

Blaze, Wait till I tell about my misfortunes with Symantec bulldog...You won't believe it.

Thank you tinribs!

Thanks a lot Jookse ! I'll certainly enjoy reading those, I'll see your link after work for I'll have plenty of time to read them.

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RgADX!oVBRxTkmpUwu!0A!bCUnNsh*GvD7NRgLlDH*VntwKtgBDFtoOtVODBCiLFWL9xtu3P2iOUX*WB5uYH6YWv28G3VWcnukPVIOCLkN0/computer.gif?dc=4675426260683410556

Bye everyone! Uguel

 

I enjoyed this thread so much I shall award a juicy, fruit filled karma cookie to Uguel!

 

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like them because I learn a lot from you guys when reading your posts. I don't know as much as you do. So, I "post" the best I can do.

This is "my" story:

It took time before I could convince my circle that I really need a computer. At first, they all objected to me , my brother told me not to and that I may turn fat and lazy as well:

" You won't enjoy sports anymore...your may get as large as a public employee chair...and anyway Internet is plenty of virus"

One friend said:

" No, I assure you: it's a virtual crooked world who relies on people naivety to make profit. They'll get you in no time"

Another one told me:

" I had it in the past and didn't like internet. In fact, I hated it!"

"Why?"

"Because I never found how to get connected to Internet"

So, I was really alone on my side when I decided to get a new computer. Had a hard time getting connected at first, but after 2 days everything was fine. One day friends came to my house to pay me a visit. As I was talking with them in the living room I decided to go into my student room and make sure that my computer "was still there". I couldn't believe I had that wonderful machine...Without paying attention to my guests, I decided to turn it on and went to a hip music site which had the latest hits on line. Of course, all friends realized that I was more interested by the " new machine" than by them...Not long after, I got to the site, I launched Window Media Player started listening to the music....then Norton's antivirus window popped up saying that someone was reading my files....So, I wait a little bit then I saw a mad bulldog head showing and looking at me angrily.

" I'm done" Said I.

"THAT BULLDOG IS A REAL BIG VIRUS!" It useless to say how much I was panicking. "It's my first virus and I CAUGHT THE BIGGEST ONE IN THE WORLD" Was I thinking.

I shut down the PC with all windows open, hurtled down the stairs four at a time. I almost swallowed a full beer when I came down in the living room. All people were staring at me. They knew that I didn't use to be a fast drinker...

"What's ailing you ...?"

"Oh! Nothing"

--it wouldn't had been a good thing telling them the truth for they were all ready to raise hell about the PC matter...--

Since they could see that I was as white as a ghost they didn't believe me. They left no long after for I was sitting agape.

It took me 2 days before I had courage enough to re-open my computer. I decided not to panick that time... and read the whole thing carefully and then I realized that that dog called "Symantec" was working for Norton and wasn't a virus at all but likely an assistant. I scanned the whole disc and not a virus was to be found. Heard after that many TV and radio stations may scan their content for management purpose and AV don't like that...

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwDXAvUU1fZPfw!VPH7LlLnoDUw*OC6g79E266bVbVHQTMD3c75C2Em7QUKpgBkiDiuTG6yzoEcajKE0XDfNmw5R6esGFlZPUQURdO*qbp0/dog07.gif?dc=4675427413018343208

Uguel

 

Hi!

All right! I went to you page Jooske and it was a funny thread. My favourite were Dave Barry's joke and of course, the helicopter one.

Thanks! Uguel

 

More computers jokes...

from me...

Once I was working in a Word document. My old aunt came in...

"What's that?"

"Umm?...OH!..."that" is Word"

" THAT IS BOOORING.....!!!
Can't you turn it to Oprah instead?"

..........................................................................................

Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"

..........................................................................................

I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something funny so I started listening their conversation:


Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."
Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."
Woman 1: "Why?"
Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."


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I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable."



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Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing."
Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"

......................................................................................

Uguel

 

i offichialy declare this the huemor thread blaze take bottle of champaighen and smashs algaints thred.

there cresind

For the Guy's!

100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

1.there is no #1 reason, and that's okay
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female
3.Child birth
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5.Monday Night Football
6.Belching is cool
7.Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8.You can open all your own jars
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
11.Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13.All your orgasms are real
14.Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17.You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19.Your last name stays put
20.You can understand Homer Simpson
21.You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22.You can kill your own food
23.The garage is all yours
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25.Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26.We're treated like royalty when we're sick
27.You never have to clean the toilet
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35.You don't have to shave below the neck
36.Scratching your ass is just fine
37.If you're 34 and single nobody notices
38.You can write your name in snow
39.Beer is a food group
40.Everything on your face stays its original colour
41.Chocolate is just another snack
42.You can be president
43.Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called 'working out'
44.Flowers fix everything
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46.You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48.Three pairs of shoes are enough
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50.A 'mood swing' is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51.Foreplay is optional
52.Falling asleep right after sex
53.Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55.Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it's expected.
56.Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57.Car mechanics tell the truth
58.The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60.The world is your urinal
61.Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave... max 15 minutes.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff
63.Hotwax never comes near your pubic area
64.One mood, all the time
65.Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66.Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
67.You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69.Same work...more pay
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71.You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72.It's OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73.It's OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74.With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75.You never have to wear high heels.
76.Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77.The remote is yours and yours alone
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79.People never complain about men drivers
80.Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81.Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83.Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84.You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,he won't tell your friends you've changed
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man, and you're looking forward to it.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88.If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89.Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92.You're expected to stink if you work out
93.If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95.If someone bothers you, you just don't talk to them and problem solved.
96.Telephone company commercials don't make you cry
97.Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98.Girls play barbie. You had GI Joe
99.Baywatch
100.There is always a game on somewhere

 

for woman



> Men are like..........

>Men are like ......... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of
>you.
>
>Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm
>they are.
>
>Men are like ......... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long
>enough.
>
>Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change
>them.
>
>Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not
>quite sure why.
>
>Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they
>usually head right for your hips.
>
>Men are like ......... Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, &
>can keep you up all night long.
>
>Men are like ......... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they
>say.
>
>Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always
>1/2 off.
>
>Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long
>to mature.
>
>Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign
>of emotion.
>
>Men are like ......... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a
>little while.
>
>Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're
>coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
>
>Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very
>bright.
>
>Men are like ......... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are
>taken, the rest are handicapped

 

In return for this feast of humour, karma cookies go to both Blaze and Uguel!

Uguel, you are just hauling them in!

 

Blazy you forgot one important one (see? it was not written by a woman!)
>Men are like ......... Onions ...... You need them but they make you cry.

 

Blaze, had a great fun reading your post. Thank you!

This is true that most women make such a fuss to please everyone...most of women don't like the way they look and so on...The day a woman realizes that she doesn't have to please everyone to be happy but just being herself, that would be a great leap upwards. I remember a friend of mine who refuses to smile not to get wrinkles on her face. I did stupid things too to please others b'cause that's the way many women are--wish to say "were"-- still brought up today.
The best thing is "to be ourself ". But it's difficult. Society doesn't help much, in tv programs, magazines, shows...a woman has to be perfect in every way ...Would she get more mercy for that? Nay....Maybe "wow you look nice today!" But no guarantee of consistent happiness may follow after...just a shallow "Oh wow" and that's it!

OH WHILE TAPING THIS...I REALIZE THAT MY NAILS AREN'T DONE! QUICK! BETTER SHUT THIC PC BEFORE ONE COULD NOTICE!
But it would be unfair not to mention some guys I know who spend many hours in a gym to look kinda Arnold...
They drink protein, creatin, whey powders...when they talk to you they don't care what you telling them for all they care is making all kind of stances to show their big muscles at their best...
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0WADUAlkd3mgzCzNUojwxE7!F!DTLtRXGOv4EwLEdiCtdueM6w4yYWWnHsQ8gnnoEa9fZKAZVbheWMhcaXTVHkX4dgVYHG9DUpb7QJfZExp3WoDHGDy0aWDzPU2M3nSAlMgAAAP****8/bodybuilder_pullups_md_wht.gif?dc=4675427967197644130
To me, a happy face is worth any kind of make up. Of course, if one is really "broken" he can work it out...
Also mr. Blaze, I want to grab the occasion to tell you that your posts are entertaining, lively all the way!

 

Oh! I forgot to say that I've just commented :
100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

I'll comment the next one later...It's a "woman prerogative"
Ah!AH! AH!
Ups! No more laughing. I may get those nasty wrinkles around my mouth Better stay serious...

Oh thank you mr. Perez for the cookie...that's real nice from you...
Wish it's a low-calorie one!

Bye, Uguel

 

Funny stuff!

 

WORDS WOMEN USE

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 

Why It's great To Be A woman


1.We don't have to spend a fortune for a car to impress friends.

2.We can express our emotions, we don't get ulcers.

3.Our car last longer than men.

4.We don't have to drive fast to feel like a hero-sandwich.

5.We can put a pretty hat on when having a bad hair day.

6.We don't have to shave everyday.

7.Seldom do we perspire or sweat. We always smell good.

8.We can put 25 pieces of lingerie in the same drawer.
Long john and boxer shorts take too much room.

9.Women are more agile than men.

10.We don't need any back-scratcher.

11.When looking good we can say silly things and all men would approve.

12. If we don't have to spend a fortune for a car...

13. (it's b'cause) They own expensive car and give us rides.

14. Our male friends don't get angry if we forget their anniversaries.

15. We can wear clothes of all colours.

16. We don't have to wear choking ties.

17. Short women can wear high pumps. Short men stay short.

18. We don't complaint when getting ill for we can read interesting magazines in bed.

19. We can let our hair grow as long as we want.

20. We don't have to do silly things to impress friends.

21. We don't have to swear to show our anger.

22. If we don't fight or go to war, nobody tells you
you're a coward.

23. We can pamper ourselves as much as we want.

24. We can change our look as much as we want.

25. And if there is something we cannot do, we would ask a man to do it for us..

Of course, there are more reason...but if I tell all of them we may loose power and certain privileges.

Uguel

 

And reason
3061: Chocolate is GOOD for women!

 

lol lol lol

 

Blaze Goes To Summer Camp


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Paul Wilder:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn . I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Blaze. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni ). Blaze would have none of it. Blaze pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left six weeks ago __-__-_------_--. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Blazey's letters.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds here at wilders. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.

Love, Blaze.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell-checked too with ie spell my frind fan j helped me.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan because we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. The wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Low water mark says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Blaze.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. fan j did it in five, he's going to show me how. Fan j is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Blaze anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Paul Wilder's? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Blaze. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Paul wilder inadequately replied: Come on, Sally, boys will be boys.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

blazes twisted verstion of an already exsiting joke lol

 

If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like the Mac Beer can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like the Mac Beer can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
(IHC Editor's Note #1: This review was written before Windows 95 beer was available nationally.)
(IHC Editor's Note #2: The MicroBrewer that markets Windows 95 Beer recently recommended that you only drink it at home or at a small business. Larger businesses should let their employees consume Windows NT beer only.)


Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like the Windows 3.1 Beer can, but the company promises to change the can to look just like the Windows 95 Beer can - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
(IHC Editor's Note: The MicroBrewer that produces the Windows 3.1 and Windows NT beers recently announced the cans will not look the same after all.)


Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe was picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

 

Microsoft Anti Trust...
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.

Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"Windows 95....For Pets?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

 

heh, heh

Very good everyone, especially Blaze who gets a cookie.

I think that Blaze currently has the edge in this latest Wilders Cookie War. C'mon Uguel, put up a fight!

 

LOL I LOVE Uguel707 Because there new to me i never seen them and ive seen lots of jokes in my life time