joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Santa on trial

    You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:

    -Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole

    -Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go

    -Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees

    -You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year

    -Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly

    -Failing to file a flight plan for your travels

    -Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises

    -Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year

    -Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up

    -And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.

    Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
     
  2. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart


    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
    them at strategic locations.

    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the
    day.

    4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
    fresheners.

    6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

    7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
    narrow aisles.

    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
    got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.

    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
    the volumes to "10".

    12. Play with the automatic doors.

    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
    long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
    for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

    15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

    16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
    "test drive."

    17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
    Continue to do this until they leave the department.

    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
    playing field.

    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and
    say, "Wow. Magic!"

    20. Put M&M's on layaway.

    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
    them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

    23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
    aisles.

    24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
    Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

    26. TP as much of the store as possible.

    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you
    people just leave me alone?"

    30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
    yelling, "Red Rover!"

    31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any
    in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

    32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield
    with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

    33. Take bets on the battle described above.

    34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if
    he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

    36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
    Impossible."

    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
    Twinkies?"

    41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
    funnels.

    46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
    make off with it without saying a word.

    47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

    48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

    49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

    50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
    store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
    much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

    *BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
     
  3. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    cats rendetion of 12 days of christmas

    On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
    Twelve bags of catnip!
    Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
    Ten ornaments hanging,
    Nine wads of Kleenex,
    Eight peacock feathers,
    Seven stolen Q-tips,
    Six feathered balls,
    Five MILK JUG RINGS!
    Four munchy house plants,
    Three running faucets,
    Two fuzzy mousies,
    And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
     
  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    cockroach Christmas

    It's Christmas time for roaches
    Under the kitchen sink...
    But you got rid of those pests -
    Ha! That's what YOU think!

    Truth is they're celebrating
    Just like you and I do.
    They're having a feast
    And exchanging gifts too!

    While the day keeps you busy
    With much food to be made,
    They're all getting ready
    For the evenings big raid.

    When out in the kitchen
    There arises a clatter,
    The sentrys dispatch
    To see what is the matter...

    They all come to watch
    With great anticipation
    To see what hits the floor
    For their big celebration!

    Out into the kitchen
    The cockroaches creep
    Once the whole family
    Is finally asleep...

    They'll scramble around
    And gather their keep
    An absolute feast
    Is what they shall reap.

    They'll never have a reason
    To get out or retreat
    As long as they can always find
    Some scraps and crumbs to eat!
     
  5. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
     
  6. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    OK Guys,
    Remember how much you need and love your women.................. :-*

    >Allright guys, enjoy this!!
    >
    > >>Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
    >
    > >>
    >
    > >>How many men does it take to open a beer?
    >
    > >>None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    >
    > >>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
    >
    > >>probably never
    >
    > >>be able to support you.
    >
    >
    > >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    >
    > >>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    >
    > >>them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    >
    > >>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>How do you fix a woman's watch?
    >
    > >>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Why do men fart more than women?
    >
    > >>Because women can't shut up long enough to
    >
    > >>build up the required pressure.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
    >yelling at
    >
    > >>the
    >
    > >>front door, who do you let in first?
    >
    > >>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    >
    > >>A woman who won't do what she's told.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>I married a Miss Right.
    >
    > >>I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
    >
    > >>a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    >
    > >>It's called a Wedding Cake.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Why do men die before their wives?
    >
    > >>They want to.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>Women will never be equal to men until they can
    >
    > >>walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
    >
    > >>gut, and still think they are sexy.
    >
    >
    > >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > >>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    >
    > >>Then God created Man and rested.
    >
    > >>Then God created Woman.
    >
    > >>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
     
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    BeetleBoss
    thats a good one :D :D :D
     
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Rednecks 12 days of Christmas

    On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me
    12 pack of Bud
    11 rasslin' tickets
    10 tins of Copenhagen
    9 years probation
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
     
  9. eisefr

    eisefr Registered Member

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  10. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Re: Problems with getting sleep?... This help...

    LOLOL!!! I will remember to look at that when its around 1:30am,
    and I'm still typing away!!
     
  11. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Another one for the men.....

    This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
    and discouraged men.
    Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

    Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are
    equally tired and discontented.

    Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man
    whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

    When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is
    bound to be better than the one you already have.

    At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received
    184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.


    This chain also brings good luck.

    One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
    playmate.

    An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to
    choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

    You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
    chain and got his wife back again.

    Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below
    ................................

    John Smith
    12345 North Street
    Anywhere, US 00567

    Bill Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Joe Somebody
    22255 Elm
    Holiday, CH 55882
     
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  13. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Hey Guys!!
    A friend just sent this Christmas Cookie recipe and I felt I must share it with all my friends!!


    Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
    1 cup of water
    1 tsp baking soda
    1 cup of sugar
    1 tsp salt
    1 cup of brown sugar
    lemon juice
    4 large eggs
    1 cup nuts
    2 cups of dried fruit
    1 bottle Ouzo or Crown Royal

    Sample the Ouzo/Crown Royal to check quality.
    Take a large bowl, check the Ouzo/Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
    Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to
    make sure the Ouzo/Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup... just in case.
    Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and​
    chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
    Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers​
    just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
    Sample the Ouzo/Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
    of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.​
    Check the Ouzo/Crown Royal. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
    nuts. Add one table.​
    Add a spoon of ar or somefink. Whatever you can find.
    Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall​
    over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.​
    Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the bottle of
    Ouzo & Crown Royal and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.​

    CHERRY MISTMAS!
    dan a
    YAPPY HEW NEAR!!!
    nan
    EST ISHIS!!
    WUV VOO HAA!!!
    [MOVE] :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D [/MOVE]
     
  14. Sugabella

    Sugabella Registered Member

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    I will not send you joke via e-mail again LOL
    But i'm glad you like what i sent ya
    So how did you like the snow fight LOL
    Still friends lol ;) ;) ( do you get the lol 2 ;) )
     
  15. nadirah

    nadirah Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Abort, Retry, Ignore.

    (Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.
    Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
    But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
    Carefully, I weighed my options.
    These three seemed to be the top ones.
    Clearly, I must now adopt one -
    Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    With my fingers pale and trembling,
    Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee
    Finally I pressed a key --
    But on the screen what did I see?
    Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
    I pressed again, but twice as hard.
    Luck was just not in the cards,
    I saw what I had seen before.
    Now I typed in desperation,
    Trying random combinations.
    Still there came the incantation -
    Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
    Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw an awful sight,
    A bold and blinding flash of light,
    A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
    The PC screen collapsed and died,
    "Oh no -- my database", I cried.
    I thought I heard a voice reply,
    "You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

    To this day I do not know
    The place to which our data goes4
    Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
    But as for productivity - well,
    I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
    And that's the tale I have to tell -
    Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

     
  16. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    good one Nadirah
     
  17. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."
     
  18. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Ficticious Characters


    Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
     
  19. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    :D :D Good one Rita!
     
  20. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    pretty true huh? :D
     
  21. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    Not gonna happen. :D
     
  22. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Christmas carols for any phychosis

    Schizophrenia -
    Do You Hear What I Hear?

    Multiple Personality -
    We Three Queens Disoriented Are

    Dementia -
    I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

    Narcissistic -
    Hark The Herald Angels Sing
    (About Me)

    Mania -
    Deck the Halls and Walls
    and House and Lawn and Streets
    and Stores and Office and Town ...

    Paranoia -
    Santa Claus is Coming To Town
    (To Get Me)

    Personality Disorder -
    You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
    I'm Gonna Pout,
    then MAYBE I'll tell you why

    Depression -
    Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia.
    All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

    Obsessive Compulsive -
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell...

    Borderline Personality -
    Thoughts of Roasting
    in an Open Fire

    Passive Aggressive -
    On the First Day of Christmas
    My True Love Gave to Me
    (and then took it all away)

    NO MATTER HOW
    YOU SING IT...

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!
     
  23. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS

    'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
    The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
    As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

    The stockings were hung next the modem with care
    In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    With visions of computer games filling their heads.

    Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
    Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
    The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
    To santa@toyshop.northpole.com -

    Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
    Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
    All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
    To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

    After living a life that was simple and spare,
    Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
    With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
    And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
    From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
    In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
    The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
    Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

    No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
    Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
    With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
    From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

    More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
    And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
    "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
    Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

    It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
    It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
    Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
    And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

    Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
    And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
    To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
    Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

    And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
    Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

    The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
    As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
    The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
    As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
    My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

    And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
    Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
    And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
    HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
    and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
     
  24. sonhouse

    sonhouse Registered Member

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    Posts:
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    Old George is praying, Lord let me win the lottery. I've been good to my wife,Please let me win the lottery.
    Couple weeks go by, nothing. Again, Lord let me win the lottery, I put my kids through college.
    Month later, nada. LORD, PLEASE let me win the lottery, I saved those kids in the fire last year, got myself burned doing it. I never beat my wife, I love my childrem. PLEASE LORD, let me win the lottery.
    Big finger comes out of the clouds, the Lord says, George, I know you deserve
    to win the lottery, I know you are a good man. George, listen, meet me halfway:GEORGE: Buy a ticket!
     
  25. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Just remember to read the manual first!

    A Parents Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
    I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
    Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
    In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."


    The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
    While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
    A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
    And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


    We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
    Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
    Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
    If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!


    When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
    But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
    With each part numbered and every slot named,
    So if we failed, only we could be blamed.


    More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
    All over the carpet they were scattered about.
    "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
    Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
    Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
    "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."


    And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
    That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
    To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
    With "assembly required" till morning's first light.


    We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
    Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
    The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
    Before we attached the last rod and last pin.


    Then laying the tools away in the chest,
    We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
    But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
    "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.


    Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
    And not have to run to the store for a thing!
    We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
    For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"


    Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
    Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
    I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
     
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