joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that
    she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a single gal that worked
    all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work.

    So, being the handy sort of guy that I was, I made her a riding
    lawnmower.

    I guess I thought she would squeal with delight and give me a big
    hug.

    To this day I have never been able to understand why women are so hard
    to please.














    http://img124.imageshack.us/img124/1509/pic004917qv.jpg

    http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/11/pic232815by.gif
     
  2. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    Windows Vista to Ship in 33 Different Versions (Click for original page)
    By Russell Skingsley

    • Vista Professional Edition
    • Vista Semi-Professional Edition
    • Vista Slightly Professional Edition
    • Vista Complete Amateur Edition
    • Vista Server Edition
    • Vista Server Premium Edition
    • Vista Server Not Bad But Not As Good As Premium Edition
    • Vista Server My Other Edition Is Premium Edition Edition
    • Vista 5 User License Edition
    • Vista Site License Edition
    • Vista Country License Edition
    • Vista Planetary License Edition
    • Vista Galaxy License Edition
    • Vista Universe License Edition
    • Vista Universe License Without Windows Media Player Edition*
    • Vista Home Edition
    • Vista Home Premium Edition
    • Vista Home Premium Edition With Some Server Features
    • Vista Home I Can't Believe It's Not Server Edition
    • Vista Away From Home But Have My Laptop With Me Edition
    • Vista Gamers Edition
    • Vista Mostly Play Games but Also Like to Surf the Net Edition
    • Vista Boot Straight Into World of Warcraft and Never Be Seen Again Edition
    • Vista Just Read Email And Clean Up Viruses Edition
    • Vista Downloaded Via Bittorrent Just Wait For The Subpoena Edition Vista Erases Your iPod Edition (with Free Creative Player Voucher Included)
    • Vista Beginners Edition
    • Vista Intermediate Edition
    • Vista Advanced Edition
    • Vista Write My Own Drivers Edition
    • Vista One Finger On The Reset Button Edition
    • Vista Uninstall And Reinstall XP Edition
    • Vista ME Just Joking! Practical Jokers Edition
     
  3. ftwynne59

    ftwynne59 Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Posts:
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    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate



    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

    If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

    WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

    CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.



    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

    You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

    I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support



    ------------------



    Dear Technical Support,

    18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

    However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

    Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

    I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

    Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

    I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

    While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

    Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

    They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

    These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

    Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

    Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

    Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.



    Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems.

    A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
     
  4. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Posts:
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    Location:
    Ye Olde New England
    Oh Poo!!

    Whatever happened to Support/Patient confidentiality? No matter!! Now that I'm broke yoo can just whistle 'Dixie' for your fee!

    Miss stressing in Strassburg, Fleeced ed
     
  5. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
    1) You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

    2) Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

    3) How about paying us based on the success of the project?

    4) This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

    5) Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

    6) I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

    7) Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

    :cool: I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

    9) The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

    10) Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.



    A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Consultant
    A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

    The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

    The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

    The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
     
  6. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

    Joined:
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    Posts:
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    Location:
    Texas
    An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

    He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

    Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
     
  7. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    At my computer
    ;) :p ;)
     

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  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Shopping

    Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.

    If it's on sale, you need it.

    Never ask your mother her opinion.

    You can always take it back.

    You'll grow into it.

    By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.

    Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".

    If they're working on commission, they're lying.

    Know when to yell, "Charge!"

    So many malls, so little time.

    If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.

    Always try to spend someone else's money first.

    There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.

    Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.

    If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.

    You can always get more credit.

    If you want it, you deserve it.
     
  9. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    Location:
    United States
    A man's boat capsizes in the middle of the ocean. He washes up on a deserted island with nothing but the clothes on his back. He builds a small shelter and finds food and water, but he misses civilization more with each passing day.
    While walking on the beach one day, he sees a beautiful woman emerge from the ocean wearing a scuba tank and a wetsuit. She says, "You look like you could use a smoke." She unzips a pocket on one arm of her wetsuit, pulls a Cuban cigar from inside, and hands it to the man. The man smokes slowly, and tells her that it is the finest cigar that he has ever smoked.​
    "How about a drink?" the woman asks. She unzips another pocket, reaches in, and pulls out a small flask. "It's a 17-year-old, single malt scotch, aged in oak," the woman tells him. The man is almost beside himself with joy as he sips the drink.​
    The woman then begins unzipping the front of her wetsuit. "Want to play around?" she asks.​
    "Jesus Christ!" the man says. "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"​
     
  10. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    United States
    Subject: BBQ season

    After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    1) The woman buys the food.
    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

    7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    :cool: The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
    9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
     
  11. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    when you know your old when...

    you forgot your purse on Noah’s Ark.

    Jurassic Park brought back the memories…

    When you ran the 100 meter dash in high school, they timed you with a sundial.

    you still owe Moses a dollar.

    When you were at school…there was No history class!

    you co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

    When asked for your ID you hand them a rock

    you make Yoda jealous.

    you recall when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

    All fire departments are on standby when they light your birthday cake.

    you sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

    your first job was as Cain and Abel’s baby-sitter.

    your birthday expired.

    When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found you fishing on the other side!

    you got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
     
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Fishing
    There is no such thing as too much equipment.

    When in doubt, exaggerate.

    If it feels good, it's fishing.

    Everyone has a story about the one that got away.

    It's good to be at the top of the food chain.

    Even the best lines get weak after they've been used a few times.

    Sometimes you've really got to squirm to get off the hook.

    Cast everything in the best light possible.

    Life is a stream of consciousness thing.

    Take time to smell the fishes.

    I fish therefore I am.

    You never forget your first bite.

    A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.

    Fish always start to grow after they get away.

    Life is a can of worms.

    The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.

    When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.
     
  13. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Computer Points to Ponder

    1) Do Viruses ever get sick?

    2) Do witches run spell checkers?

    3) Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?

    4) How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs
    computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?

    5) How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?

    6) How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?

    7) If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

    :cool: If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 98 users?

    9) Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?

    10) Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?

    11) Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix, features?

    12) Just where is the "any" key anyway?

    13) Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?

    14) Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact?

    15) Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?
     
  14. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Top Ways to Fail A Driver's Test
    1) Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

    2) Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

    3) Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

    4) Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

    5) When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

    6) When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."

    7) Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

    :cool: After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

    9) Fill your car with beer bottles.

    10) The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

    11) Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

    12) In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

    13) When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

    14) Beep your horn at everything.

    15) Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
     
  15. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Don't Call Home for Money

    A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that caro_O!!!"

    He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

    "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

    "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

    So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

    "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

    "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

    So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
     
  16. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Cat's Sense
    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darn thing on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
     
  17. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Differences Between You and Your Boss

    When you take a long time, you're slow.
    When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

    When you don't do it, you're lazy.
    When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

    When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
    When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

    When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
    When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

    When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
    When your boss does it, he's being firm.

    When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
    When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

    When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
    When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

    When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
    When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

    When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
    When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

    When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
    When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
     
  18. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
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    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    WHAT IS IT??


    Try to resist moving quickly.

    Look at each picture, try to determine what it represents,
    and then look at the answer below the picture.



    http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/5310/att000646qf.jpg








    Light Beer











    Dandy lions




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/597/att000702ix.jpg









    Assaulted peanut



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/4660/att000734zg.jpg









    eggplant
     
  19. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  20. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  21. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  22. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
    If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

    This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
     
  23. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
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    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "Danger! Beware of Dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
    He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

    "Yep, that's him," he replied.

    The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
     
  24. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  25. Antus

    Antus Registered Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2006
    Posts:
    76
    Fairplay

    A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads
     
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