joke of the day

Au contraire mon Chise,

My Billie said yes and I still did all dem udder things!

No...she's not in the room, Vocal ed

 

Funny Mom-Isms -
1) "You'll understand when you're older."

2) "You won't be happy until you break that, will you?"

3) "You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem."

4) "Who died and left you boss?"

5) "When you have your own house then you can make the rules!"

6) "When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!"

7) "What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?"

"Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap."

9) "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

10) "I'm not going to ask you again."

11) "I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!"

12) "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"

13) "Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?"

14) "As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say."

15) "Am I talking to a brick wall?"

 

THE "ICE CREAM" PRAYER


Thank God for Children Saying Grace...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer. "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM MICHIGAN WHEN....



1.) You show people where you are from by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand.
2.) You've never met any celebrities.
3.) "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
4.) At least one member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan / Michigan State game.
5.) Half the change in your pocket is Canadian....eh?
6.) You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
7.) Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
8.) You know how to play (and pronounced) Euchre.
9.) It's easy to get Vernor's ginger ale, Better Made chips, Sanders hot fudge sauce, and Faygo pop.
10.) You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
11.) You've had to switch on the heat and the air conditioning in the same day.
12.) You bake with SODA and drink POP.
13.) The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary.
14.) Your little league game was snowed out.
15.) The word "thumb" has geographical rather than anatomical significance.
16.) Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
17.) You measure distance in minutes.
18.) When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
19.) You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't far from Hell.
20.) Your year has two seasons: Winter and Construction.
21.) Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
22.) You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
23.) When owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
24.) You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
25.) Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of Stroh's and a bucket of smelt.
26.) You know that Big Mac is something that you drive over.
27.) You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
28.) You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my coat at?"
29.) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
30.) You think of the four major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce, and beer.
31.) You carry jumper cables and snow chains in your trunk.
32.) You design your kids' Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
33.) Driving in the winter is better because the pot-holes are filled with snow.
34.) Your favorite holidays are Christmas,Thanksgiving, and the opening of Deer Season, which you consider a National Holiday.
35.) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
36.) You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.
37.) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
38.) Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.
39.) Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
40.) You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry, and snowmobile boots.
41.) The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
42.) You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
43.) You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
44.) You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.
45.) You can Identify an Ohio accent.
46.) You know someone from Porch Yearn.
47.) Half the people you know say they are from Detroit yet you don't personally know anyone that actually lives in Detroit.
48.) The Big Mac Is something you drive across.
49.) You know what a "pastie" is.
50.) You have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
51.) Your snowmobile and fishing boat have big block Chevy engines.

 

One of the greatest features in Windows:






http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/6675/draganddrop1rv.jpg​

 

das lachen

 

So What's YOUR Excuse?
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown.

Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

 

http://img108.imageshack.us/img108/4748/image00113rg.gif


The Top Ten Reasons

Men Prefer Guns Over Women



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
​

 

I don't.

 

Darn I'm jealous !
Lucky BeetleB !!

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.



2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.



3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.



5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.



8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.



9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.



11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.



12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.



13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.



14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.



15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.



16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.



17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.



18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.



19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.



20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?



Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.



21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

 

Twice a week
=============

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Eddy and his wife Angelina decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, Eddy held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Angelina began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, Angelina sat there - speechless. He looked over at Eddy who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to Eddy , "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

Eddy scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."



.

 

Eureka....I am of a mind to complain!! I brought her in on Tues. an Thurs.

Saturdays are reserved for watchin Football!

Traipsing to Old Trafford, Accommodating ed

 

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. ( I like this idea, this
would be funny)

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail this
to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.

 

Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm obviously going home too, I can't work in the dark!"




More Funnies
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

Things Men Take for Granted

1) Your last name stays put.

2) The garage is all yours.

3) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4) Chocolate is just another snack.

5) You can never be pregnant.

6) You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7) You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

9) The world is your urinal.

10) You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just 'too icky'.

11) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

12) Same work, more pay.

13) Wrinkles add character.

14) Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.

15) People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

What They Said . . . And What We Did

According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.

1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.

1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.

1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.

1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.

1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.

1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.

 

A modern Fairytale:


http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/7760/att34402317tn.gif


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/8550/att34402428kd.gif


Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:



"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/7747/att34402537nw.gif



At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"



Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/7161/animation1biged3gf4sk.gif

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/8610/att34402752wv.gif



Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/7161/animation1biged3gf4sk.gif

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/1091/att34402862uc.gif​

{Instead of "Cinderella", this one should be called "Beauty and the Beast(s) !! }

 

Yea right....Mr Smarty Pants Pete!!

"There is no possible way for me to comment on Natty's innuendoing post w/o getting tossed for violating the TOS", said ed (in his best soprano)

 

But Edstykins...aren't you the least flattered

I chose YOU, and only YOUU as my Prince in a tad dirty Armour... Even in a fairytale I think of yoo.

 

The Moral of The Story Is
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

 

Heaven or Hell?
It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."

 

A Visit to The Veterinarian
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him, do something please!"

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead, do something else!"

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

 

The Man with Shingles
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"