joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Cracks Found On Military Helicopter Blades.

    This image is of cracks found during routine inspections of the Kaman Aerospace SH-2 Seasprite helicopter.

    Pilots and crew of these helicopters were seriously alarmed (and rightly so) when this information was released.

    They were especially concerned because the cracks weren't found in just one location - they were all over the craft.










    http://img1.yoxio.com/img/225464.jpg
     
  2. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Now that is a lot of cracks :D
     
  3. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Fore Better or Worse
    In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.


    Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.


    Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.


    Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.


    The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.


    There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


    Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.


    An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.


    Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh
     
  4. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Here is a picture of BigBuck back when he sang with a band, I believe his partner here was big ed
     

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  5. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    And what Parakeet would that be??
     

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  6. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    And here is bigbuck at the pub having a few with a buddy
     

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  7. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    And BeetleBoss this one is for you.
     

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  8. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Only in America
     

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  9. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Poor Baby
     

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  10. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    I guess I am finished now
     

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  11. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    those are some funny pics bigc. good job finding them
     
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  13. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    How to Get a Life
    It's never easy to overcome a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but here are some easy steps to recovery!

    Difficulty Level: Hard Time Required: Years


    Here's How:

    1) Let go of the mouse.

    2) Turn off the computer.

    3) Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

    4) Eat something other than taco chips.

    5) Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

    6) Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your buddy list about it.

    7) Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

    :cool: Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

    9) If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

    10) Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

    11) Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

    12) Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
     
  14. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Retired Husband


    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

    We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.


    Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
    husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

    Mr. Wally Underpants
    President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department





    MEMO

    Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    (And last, but not least!)

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
     
  15. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"

    [​IMG]
     
  16. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    A Lawyer's Kindness
    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.


    "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.


    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.


    "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.


    "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"


    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.


    He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."


    "But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.


    "Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.


    They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


    The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."
     
  17. eyes-open

    eyes-open Registered Member

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  18. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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  19. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    You're Not Old Unless You Can Remember...
    1) Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

    2) When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

    3) When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."

    4) When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

    5) When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

    6) When nobody owned a purebred dog.

    7) When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.

    :cool: When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

    9)When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

    10) When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

    11) When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

    12) When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,..... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

    13) When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

    14)When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

    15) When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

    16) When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

    17) When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
     
  20. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark

    *Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

    *Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

    *Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

    *Build on the high ground.

    *For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

    *Two heads are better than one.

    *Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

    *If you can't fight or flee.....float.

    *Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

    *Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

    *When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

    *Stay below deck during the storm.

    *Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

    *If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

    *Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

    *No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

    *DON'T MISS THE BOAT !!!!
     
  21. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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  22. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Our Principal, Miss Kelliher, was about 6' 2" and meaner than a junkyard dog. I still preferred her whacking me w/a ruler than taking a note home!

    I was fed, clothed (hand me downs from 2 Bros), and loved!

    Them wuz tha daze, Smiley ed
     
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    werent they though--good in alot of ways but sometimes also--the good ole days werent always so good either:D depends on how u look at it!
     
  24. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Who's smarter?
    Three women and three men are traveling by train into the city.

    At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

    "Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

    They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, when its time to leave, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket ! for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

    "Watch and learn," answer the women.

    When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

    Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please.
     
  25. Cochise

    Cochise A missed friend

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    A modern day Fairy Tale......

    Cochise, Wistful in Wisteria...
     

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