joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Actual call centre conversations
    Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

    Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

    Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

    Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

    Electronics Company Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

    Motoring Services Company

    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

    Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

    "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

    Directory Enquiries

    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

    Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

    Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

    Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

    Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

    "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

    Customer: "OK".

    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

    Customer: "No".

    Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No".

    Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

    Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
     
  2. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    A woman appreciates the company of a man, especially if the man is the owner of the company.
     
  3. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

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    Location:
    The Big Smoke
    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:
    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    -- Management



    snowbound
     
  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    School Excuse Notes
    These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

    My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

    Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

    Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

    Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

    Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

    Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins .

    Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

    Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

    Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

    Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

    Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. .

    My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

    Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

    Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
     
  5. eyes-open

    eyes-open Registered Member

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    This was officially the World's funniest joke......

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


    cnn.com
     
  6. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

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    Location:
    Germany/Ohio-USA ~ between two worlds
  7. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

    Joined:
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    Posts:
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    Location:
    The Big Smoke
    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
    “Living Will”
    "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
    and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.



    snowbound
     
  8. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    World's easiest quiz.
    :D

    Passing requires only 4 correct
    answers....a measly 40%.


    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?

    3) From which animal do we get catgut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
    Revolution?

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after
    what animal?

    7) What was King George VI's first name?

    :cool: What color is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

    10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
    airplane?

    All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down




    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
    116
    years

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?
    Ecuador

    3) From which animal do we get catgut?
    Sheep
    and Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
    Revolution?
    November

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
    Squirrel fur

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after
    what animal?
    Dogs

    7) What was King George VI's first name?
    Albert

    :cool: What color is a purple finch?
    Crimson

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
    New
    Zealand

    10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
    airplane?
    Orange, of course.
     
  9. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

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    Germany/Ohio-USA ~ between two worlds
  10. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Who's the boss?
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.


    Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!


    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.


    After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will make love the way that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.


    Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


    His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
     
  11. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

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    Location:
    Germany/Ohio-USA ~ between two worlds
    REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    >>>> >> > > 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > FREE PUPPIES:
    >>>> >> > > 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > FREE PUPPIES...
    >>>> >> > > Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
    >>>> >> > > Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in
    >>>> >> > > a single bound.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    >>>> >> > > Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
    >>>> >> > > Better be a reward.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    >>>> >> > > Also 1 gay bull for sale.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > NORDIC TRACK
    >>>> >> > > $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > GEORGIA PEACHES
    >>>> >> > > California grown - 89 cents lb.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
    >>>> >> > > WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
    >>>> >> > > Call Stephanie.
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > AND THE BEST ONE:
    >>>> >> > >
    >>>> >> > > FOR SALE BY OWNER:
    >>>> >> > > Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
    >>>> >> > > volumes.
    >>>> >> > > Excellent condition.
    >>>> >> > > $1,000 or best offer.
    >>>> >> > > No longer needed, got married last month.
    >>>> >> > > Wife knows everything.
    >>>> >>
    >>
     
  12. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  13. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  14. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
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    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  15. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  16. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    Location:
    United States
    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
    pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
    drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
    slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
    him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
    out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
    remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys
    helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
    yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
    the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
    there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls
    out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where
    are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" the drunk
    replied.
     
  17. gerardwil

    gerardwil Registered Member

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    EU
    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
    I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
    As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
    My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
    We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
    And I just sat there...
    On the couch...
    Naked.
     
  18. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

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    Life Explained



    On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"



    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks,and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"


    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to
    support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


    But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;
    that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



    Life has now been explained to you.
     
  19. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Three Government Workers
    A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

    One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

    "Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

    "Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

    "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"
     
  20. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Things to Wonder About
    1- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    2- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

    3- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    4- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    5- What disease did cured ham actually have?

    6- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    7- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    8- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    9- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    10- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
     
  21. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Country Boy
    Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.


    They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.


    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.


    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.


    The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"


    The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."


    The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
     
  22. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
    CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months.

    PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.

    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.

    SCSI: System Can't See It.

    MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed.

    DOS: Defunct Operating System.

    WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

    PnP: Plug and Pray.

    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity.

    IBM: I Blame Microsoft.

    DEC: Do Expect Cuts.

    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers.

    CA: Constant Acquisitions.

    COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language.

    LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses.

    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

    AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

    WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
     
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation

    1) You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.


    2) You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.


    3) You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.


    4) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.


    5) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.


    6) You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.


    7) You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.


    :cool: You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.


    9) You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.


    10)You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock
     
  24. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Top Ten Employee Rules
    1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


    2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.


    3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


    4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


    5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.


    6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.


    7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


    :cool: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


    9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


    10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
     
  25. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

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