joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    Have we been here yet ?

    TRUISMS
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

    Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

    It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.

    I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

    If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

    Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

    Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

    If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

    They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

    Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

    A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

    If they lined up all the men in the world ... it would be one goofy line.

    If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life miserable for a week or two first.

    Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

    Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

    I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

    Somewhere, over the rainbow ... that's where the airline will find my luggage. (^_^)

    It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

    This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

    I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath. Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.

    Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
     
  2. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2004
    Posts:
    10,633
    those are so true Primrose. :D
     
  3. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    Points To Ponder...


    The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

    Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

    Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

    A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

    How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become A teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    Business conventions are important because they demonstrate How many people a company can operate without.

    Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

    No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

    There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

    I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
     
  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Internet Addict's Recovery Program
    1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

    2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    3) I will get dressed before noon.

    4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

    5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

    6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

    7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    :cool: I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

    9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

    12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
     
  5. Maui Cat

    Maui Cat Registered Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2006
    Posts:
    2
    Location:
    San Francisco, California
    What do you call 4 Mexicans drowning?

    Quatro sinqo
     
  6. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Funny One-Liners
    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

    They Take The Psycho Path.

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

    Polaroid's.

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

    A Stick.

    8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

    Nacho Cheese.

    9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

    Quattro Sinko.

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

    Spoiled Milk.
     
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Happy Guy
    Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

    "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

    He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft



    The Ten Commandments


    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."
     
  8. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2004
    Posts:
    2,125
    Location:
    United States
    [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sister Joan - by Paul Gilmartin

    Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
    The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
    Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
    The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
    The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
    Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
    She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
    Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
    Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
    Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
    He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
    Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
    "Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
    He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
    "Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
    Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
    She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
    Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
    He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
    Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
    She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
    "Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
    He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
    She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."

    [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
    Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
    As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
    Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
    For years the scandal rocked the church, but she regained their trust.
    She still teaches Sunday school, but she doesn't drive the bus.
    [/FONT]
     
  9. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Posts:
    10,610
    Location:
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Menopause Jewelry

    Mood swing ring for the cheap husband...


    My husband isn't happy with my mood swings.

    The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

    When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


     
  10. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

    That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


    **********************************************************
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A officer pulls him over.

    "So," says the officer to the driver, where have ya been?"

    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the officer, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the officer, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    **********************************************************


    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



    **********************************************************

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

    She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


    **********************************************************

    AND I'm sav'n THE BEST FOR LAST...

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
     
  11. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Posts:
    3,138
    Location:
    Ye Olde New England
    Aye Prim..O'rosie

    Todays Bizzaro quoted St Pattie ...." In honor of my driving the snakes out of Ireland, I beeseech thee to paint thyselves green and vomit in the streets."

    Say three Hail Marys and sin no more, Righteous ed
     
  12. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

    Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

    I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!


    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
     
  13. Doc2626

    Doc2626 Registered Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Posts:
    29
    Location:
    Mexico
    Neil had been in the Foreign Service for many years, but had always served in London. Finally, his Section Chief, Donna, called him into her office, and informed him that he had received his first posting overseas. He would be independent, with sole authority to represent the Crown, in a small but influential sheikdom deep in the Corner Deserts of Saudi Arabia. Neil was elated!

    After a long flight, and a day and a half truck-ride over rough terrain, he finally arrived at a station, and inquired of one of the locals, where he should go, to present himself to the Sheik. The man laughed, and pointed out over the desert.

    Neil learned that his journey wasn't yet complete. The last leg would be a three day camel ride to the south. Naturally, Neil was disappointed, but his enthusiasm hadn’t waned, and he immediately arranged for a guide, and transport. Neil was assigned a camel that had the disposition of a rattlesnake, and it was obvious that he took an instant dislike to Neil. Nevertheless, they set out, and the station was soon out of sight behind them.

    After two and half days bouncing back and forth on the camel’s back, Neil was beginning to wonder if they would EVER reach their destination, and was looking forward to sitting in the shade, with a cool drink, and perhaps enjoy the company of a beautiful lady, as he had already been several days without any companionship.

    Later that afternoon, as they topped a large sand-dune, their destination abruptly came into sight. Neil caught his breath. It was no more than a small compound, with five or six shacks, and a small corral for a camel off to one side! For THIS, he had come so far? He couldn’t believe his bad luck. What POSSIBLE good could he hope to accomplish here?

    As they entered the compound, Neil saw no more than a handful of men, sitting in the shade of one of the shacks. There was no sign of any hotel, restaurant, pub...no signs of civilization at all! Neil dismounted from his camel, which promptly spat right in the middle of Neil’s sweat-soaked back, and approached the men in front of the hovel. When he inquired, one of the men gave a toothless grin, and introduced himself as Dave, the very Sheik that Neil sought. He then invited Neil to take a seat, and have some water.

    This wasn’t exactly what Neil had envisioned, neither of the posting, nor of the restful reception he had hoped to receive. But not wanting to be impolite he accepted the tin mug of water he was offered, and sat uncomfortably on the edge of a convenient rock. The “Sheik” said he was sure Neil must have many questions, as he had been told that this was Neil’s first visit to their desert.

    “What would you like to know about our wonderful oasis?” asked the Sheik.

    “Well,” said Neil, “how many of you are there?”

    “Five,” responded his host.

    “No,” said Neil. “I mean in the entire village.”

    “Five,” repeated Dave.

    Neil looked around and saw three others sitting there, flanking the Sheik. Could it be, that this posting was to a village consisting of no more than four men and one woman? Could fate be so cruel?

    “Do you mean to tell me,” stuttered Neil, “that the four of you live way out here, with only one woman, no comforts, no entertainment, no... no... no... NOTHING, as far as the eye can see?

    “Of course not!” laughed Dave.

    “Ah, what a relief,” gasped Neil.

    “There are five of us here. Five men. We have no woman! BUT, we have DALE!” grinned his host.

    “Dale?” inquired Neil.

    “Yes, Dale,” said Dave. “Dale is the camel we sent to bring you here. Surely you have noticed his worth?”

    “Er... um... ah... do you mean....?” quaked Neil.

    “Yes, yes! When we feel a need, such as men like us will, from time to time, well, that’s why we have Dale,” smiled Dave. The others smiled and nodded.

    Neil mentally recoiled, and decided he had better let it be known immediately that he was not about to bugger any camel! And particularly one as smelly, obnoxious and distasteful as the one that he had suffered for the last three days! He thought better of it, though. After all, he had just arrived, and he would have to work with these men for some time. It wouldn’t do to alienate them right off the bat. So, he said nothing.

    That night, Neil slept fitfully. The thought of being stuck here, for two years or more, living no better than a sand flea, depressed him. He already missed England, and his many friends there. Particularly his girl-friends, of which he had many. Then he remembered the Sheik’s comment about the men using the camel, Dale, to satisfy their base desires. He shuddered, and quickly changed his train of thought. Alter a bit, he finally fell back to sleep.

    The next night was the same. And the next. And the night after that. He managed to keep busy enough during the day, that he was distracted from his depression, but at night, with nothing more to occupy his mind than thoughts of wine, women and song, he went nearly mad!

    Finally, on his fifth night there, Neil could stand it no longer. He crept quietly out of his shack, and made his way to the corral. He realized that if he didn’t do something soon, he would go totally bonkers, and if that meant he had to resort to the same vile practice as these other men, well, so be it! After all, noone would ever know about it.

    He tied Dale tightly to the side of the corral, and pulled a stool over behind him. He stepped up onto the stool, and loosened his belt. He hesitated for a moment, wondering how he could ever have arrived at such a point of desperation,, then he dropped his pants abruptly, determined to finísh this as quickly as possible.

    Suddenly, there was a tremendous racket just outside the corral. A torch threw its light on him, and he heard the Sheik’s voice ask, “Just what do you think you are doing?”

    “I, ah...well, you see...” Neil was aghast at being caught like this, even though these men readily admitted to the same practice.

    “Well?” demanded Dave, impatiently.

    “Why, I’m just doing the same as ALL of you! I felt a need, and since there are no women here...why, YOU were the one that told me that you all use Dale when you feel a need!”

    “Yes, that is true,” admitted the Sheik,

























    “But WE ride Dale to town!”
    :eek:
     
  14. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    10 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

    5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

    6. Don't use any punctuation.

    7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."

    9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

    10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
     
  15. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs
    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

    6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

    10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

    11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime
     
  16. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2002
    Posts:
    5,070
    Location:
    At my computer
    MOM - Job Description

    POSITION:

    Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

    JOB DESCRIPTION:

    Long-term team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often
    chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
    organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
    evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:

    The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
    until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must
    possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys, and battery powered devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

    POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

    Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
    complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
    your charge can ultimately surpass you

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

    None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
    exhausting basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

    Get this -- you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses! A balloon
    payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

    BENEFITS:

    While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no
    paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless
    opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards
    right.
     
  17. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island
    for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And as the speck

    got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a

    small boat and even a raft.

    Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

    Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood

    a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

    The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said

    to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on

    the left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

    "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost

    forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish

    whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a

    pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink.

    "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front

    of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man

    and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed

    "Sweet Mother Mary! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

    :D
    http://www.cancorn.com/avi/golfballs.wmv
     
  18. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From a Cow
    * Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

    * Don't cry over spilled milk.

    * When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

    * The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

    * Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

    * It's better to be seen and not herd.

    * Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

    * Never take any bull from anybody.

    * Always let them know who's the bossy.

    * Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

    * Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

    * Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
     
  19. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    A man is driving along a highway
    and sees a rabbit jump out
    across the middle of the road.
    He swerves to avoid hitting it,
    but unfortunately
    The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver,
    a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
    pulls over and gets out to see
    what has become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay,
    the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful
    that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman
    driving down the highway
    sees a man crying on the
    side of the road
    and pulls over.

    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible,"
    he explains,
    "I accidentally hit this rabbit
    and killed it."


    The blonde says,
    "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car
    and pulls out a spray can.

    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
    bends down,
    and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up,
    waves its paw at the two of them
    and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
    turns around and waves again,
    he hops down the road another 10 feet,
    turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
    and repeats this again and again and again,
    until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands,
    "What is in that can?
    What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around
    so that the man can read the label.

    It says..


    "Hair Spray -
    Restores life to dead hair,
    and adds permanent wave."


    washcloth bunny

    http://www.himonkey.net/holiday/e/wcb/index.html
     
  20. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2003
    Posts:
    8,723
    Location:
    The Big Smoke
    A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

    A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

    A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

    A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



    snowbound
     
  21. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    8 WORDS WITH 2 MEANINGS


    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male.... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

    AND
    He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


    He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

    He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


    He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

    He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
    She said They already have boyfriends.

    She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    He said . . . A widow.

    He said . .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
    She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
     
  22. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Drinking Coffee
    * I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!

    * Better latte than never.

    * A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.

    * We all have to do the daily grind.

    * Espresso yourself.

    * Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.

    * Stand your grounds.

    * If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.

    * I love the caffeine; it's the rich taste I could do without.

    * Don't stop till you're shaking.

    * Impatience is a virtue.

    * Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.

    * Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?

    * There's no rest for the caffeinated.

    * Decaf is for sissies.

    * Man cannot live by coffee alone - donuts are pretty essential too.

    * There is no such thing as a free refill.

    * It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.
     
  23. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Posts:
    3,138
    Location:
    Ye Olde New England

    Thanks for that Reets,

    An for revealing that timely tip you have won an all expense paid invite to Big Bucky's next B'day Bash.

    I bean everywhere man, RR ed
     
  24. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    The Patient's Status

    A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."


    The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"


    "Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.


    "I will connect you with the nursing station."


    "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"


    "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."


    "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."


    "Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

    The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"


    "Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."
     
  25. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.