joke of the day

Top Ten Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move
1) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)

4) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.

5) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors each day hack off a different part of their body.

9) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

 

A "Loose" Guide On Exercising

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.


This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at
$5,000 per month.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.


I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Have not lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.


I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.


I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body. I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Shopping
Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.

If it's on sale, you need it.

Never ask your mother her opinion.

You can always take it back.

You'll grow into it.

By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.

Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".

If they're working on commission, they're lying.

Know when to yell, "Charge!"

So many malls, so little time.

If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.

Always try to spend someone else's money first.

There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.

Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.

If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.

You can always get more credit.

If you want it, you deserve it.

 

This sez it all .......

 

International Rules of Manhood

1 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

2 It is ok for a man to cry under the following
circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying
Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

3 Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4 Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever, unless you actually
marry her.

6 Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the
temperature is unsuitable.

7 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.

8 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit
stops, not the weakest.

9 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting
event, you may ask the score of the game in progress,
but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after
you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head
under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11 It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink
only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel... and it's free.

12 Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril
are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue
closed.

15 If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you
didn't see anything.

16 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
the game and the ability to drink as much as the other
sports watchers.

17 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed
woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd
better be talking about his choice of beer.

20 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a
friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man
while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on
equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in
line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman
to go on longer than you are able to have sex with
her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24 The morning after you and a girl who was formerly
"just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the
fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason
for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25 It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is
not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown,
pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27 The girl who replies to the question "What do you
want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.

28 There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or
Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners
My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.

My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

 

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."



snowbound

 

Ways to Insure You Get Audited
Here are 10 ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS:

1) Pay in pennies.

2) Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.

3) Claim your cat as a dependent.

4) Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your total income.

5) On the line that asks what you made this year, answer "Trouble."

6) Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.

7) Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.

8 ) Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.

9) Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.

10) Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades -- and claim you came out exactly even.

 

The Old Man and The Frog
An old man loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."


He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.


The man said, "Are you talking to me?"


The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."


The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.


Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had."


He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

Top Ten Signs you played too many Video Games
10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

 

Top Ten Things that Only Women Can Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. Other Women

 

Age Gauge

Check this out. Just do as it says and it is pretty cool the info it brings up

 

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone

else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, Geez Bob, you picked up a real b**ch this time".

 

The following top 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:

#15: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14: "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12: "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11: "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10: "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9: "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8: "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7: "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

#6: "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5: "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4: "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3: "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2: "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1: "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

St. Paddy's Day is comin' up!

Here's a few pokes at the Irish (and don't let me be hearin' any of ye say I'm slanderin' ye. I'm Irish, too, I'll have ye know!)


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

***

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

***

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

***

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

***

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

***

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket.
He slipped and fell heavily. struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

***

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage."
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

***

WATER TO WINE An Irish priest is driving down to NYC and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," the priest says.
The trooper says, "Then why do I small wine/"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***

THE REUNION A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks:
"Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it. Me too!" Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin".
"Of course". The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"St. Mary's," replies the first man. "I graduated in '62".
"This is becoming unbelievable!!" They say in unison.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O"Malley twins are drunk again."

***

THE BROTHEL Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad"

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see the Jews fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill!"

 

Travel Agent Term Translations
"Old World Charm"
Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

"Tropical"
Rainy.

"Majestic Setting"
A long way from town, at end of dirt road.

"Options Galore"
Nothing is included in the price.

"Secluded Hideaway"
Directions to locate unclear.

"Some budget rooms"
Sorry, already occupied.

"Explore on your own"
At your own expense.

"Minutes From ... "
By Plane

"Romantic"
No Phone in room.

"Knowledgeable trip hosts"
They've flown in an airplane before.

"Bird Watchers Paradise"
Your car's paint will never be the same .

"Nominal Fee"
Outrageous charge.

"Superior Accommodations"
One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

"All the Amenities"
Two chocolates, two shower caps.

"Just Like Home"
No Maid service

"Plush"
Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

"Light and airy"
No air conditioning.

"Picturesque"
Theme park nearby.

"24-hour bar"
Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

 

me too

 

"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin"

 

http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif

 

> > O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
> > he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began
> > to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
> >
> > "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing
> > wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
> >
> > "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
> >
> > O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
> >
> > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the
> > traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
> > traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to
> > pass.
> >
> > He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
> >
> > After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
> > over to him and said,
> >
> > "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
> >
> > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
> > the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
> > Finney.
> >
> > "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
> >
> > "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ya callin' from?"
> > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> > speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
> > priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
> > car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
> >
> > "Just water," says the priest.
> >
> > The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
> >
> > The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
> > again!"
> >
> > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> >
> > Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> > stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
> >
> > Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
> >
> > "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
> > knees.
> >
> > "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
> >
> > She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken".

 

http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/4163/perfect3cr.gif

 

Received this from a friend

 

The Senior Citizens Bus Trip
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."



Before Computers
Memory- was something you lost with age.

An Application- was for employment.

A Program- was a TV show.

A Cursor- used profanity.

A Keyboard- was a piano.

A Web- was a spider's home.

A Virus- was the flu.

A CD- was a bank account.

A Hard Drive- was a long trip on the road.

A Mouse Pad- was where a mouse lived.

 

Uh....Reets,

I wuz jest wonderin about your sig.

Did you strap the slice of bread on the feline before or after it wuz toasted? That might have a bearing on the landing!

Testing...1...2....3...at the Catsbah, Prof. ed