Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.
loved that Beetleboss
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following
>>news: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
>>The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
>>complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
>>Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
>>Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
>>Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
>>Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
>>The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy
>>and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was
>>Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
>>turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
>>dough on half-baked schemes.
>>Despite being a little flaky at times he still, was a crusty old man and
>>was considered a roll model for millions.
>>Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
>>Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
>>elderly dad, Pop Tart.
>>The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Oh!! How my heart aches!!!
~oven timer goes off~
Oh wait, I think he's done!
"Dinner time kids!!!"
Very Very funny ritaann
a friend forwarded this to me and I thought it was cute and wanted to share it
A guide to walking tigers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away.The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things.As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla.The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"Then the lion said, "Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired!"
ritaann, veery good!! thanks for the laugh
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She would go to a 're-tail' shop for a new one!!
Hayc--That's funny too.
OK, its not really a 'joke', but its a funny story that a friend email me.
PricelessIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to t heir own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -.....Priceless...
good ones hayc and beetleboss Here's where we should do our christmas shopping!
What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has NO EL.
What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.
How does Santa Claus take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
They both drop their needles!
Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!
Why did the little boy push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
(BeetleBoss) (but, BJ laughed too!!!)
Oh good ritaann, finally jokes I can share with my kiddos. HA HA HA
I try to keep em all rated--general audiences-
Can be prepared 20 years ahead.
1 hard-skinned hubby
1 comfortable sofa
1 TV remote control
6 pack of coke or beer
1 packet chips (crisps)
1 family size pizza
1 large serve nacho
1 melted cheese sandwich
15 years patience
lifetime of loving care
1 ounce of resignation
Cram one thick-skinned hubby into a well worn
greased and comfortable sofa and leave to set
(probably will take length of one sport show),
remove from family room and bring to kitchen
to finish filling.
Mix TV remote control, chip packet, pizza, hot-dog,
nachos and cheese sandwich on a large tray.
Add six pack of coke or beer slowly (to avoid excess gas),
bind with a lot of patience, loving care and resignation.
Be careful to place hubby and filling carefully back in
front of the TV so as not to disturb the view of the
screen and leave to solidify indefinitely.
Head back to your computer and have a marvelous
time chatting with your online friends UNDISTURBED!!!
(Or, go SHOPPING!)
what a good one especially the last two lines--doing something undisturbed while he's solidifing
Works like a charm in my house.
Dark in Here ........
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-
year old son, Billy, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church so you can confess"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that #@&* again".
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A card for all seasons ..
Philosophy of Housecleaning
1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. ( I am compassionate )
2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. ( I am careful and poor)
3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because . they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. ( I am imaginative )
4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. ( I am kind )
5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. ( I am fair minded)
6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. ( I am courteous)
7. I don't put things away because ... my family will never be able to find them again. ( I am considerate)
8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. (Again, I am considerate)
9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say Permanent Press". (I am trusting)
10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
I take my hat off to you Peaches.......You really understand men!.....I also note with interest that you mentioned ALL the major food groups!......Beer...Pizza....Chips....etc.
Here's a joke from the christmas party I went to yesterday.
A helicopter pilot accidentally drops a bomb down, he quickly lands his helicopter and he sees a old man laughing standing beside a house on fire.
The pilot asks the old man if his bomb destroyed the house. The old man replied laughing: No, I farted and my house went BOOM!!!
Separate names with a comma.