joke of the day

~Speaking of Dreams~ http://img500.imageshack.us/img500/3430/smilewinkgrin5ac.gif



A Womans Dream



A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.

He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.

She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"

 

Toothbrush Sales


The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"



http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif

 

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, & perhaps a bit too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what real comedians were like. Those of you who are too young to remember this hilarious duo should make every attempt to watch their videos, DVD's, or search for them on the "oldies" TV channel. It will be worth your time to really laugh.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office! with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why! not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"

...

 

love this one lol

 

How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Light bulb?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

 

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Texan says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Texan has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Texan, "What are you doing?!" The Texan replies, "So much for your canoe!"

 

A Blonde and the Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.

He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

 

Ohhh Rita...
This one scared me, lol !!

 

Barbie Shopping

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when he notices he knows nothing about Barbie and there aren’t even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie dolls to the checkout.

“Hi, how may I help you,” says the checkout guy.

Tim replies, “I have three Barbies and I need to know what they are and how much they cost?

The checkout guys says, “Well, the first one is Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is Divorce Barbie and she is $250.

“What!!” Tim shouts. Are you kidding me?!! Why is Divorce Barbie so much?”

The checkout guy explains, “Well, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and everything else Ken owns!!”

 

White Hairs

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

Ways to Get Rid of Telephone Solicitors
Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get them to hang up and leave you alone:

1) Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.

2) "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."

3) "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."

4) Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.

5) "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"

6) When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.

7) Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"

"I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."

9) "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."

 

Printer Problems

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

 

lol Great writer....


The Drunk

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.

Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

 

Far, far away in the tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark , then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away and hid as he was afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin finally realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and cannot believe his luck. Justin reasoned that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back. So, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a beer.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark ", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed .

“I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

 

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge
he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

Signs Your Cat has Learned Your Computer Password
E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

 

The Mother and Three Sons
Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a big house for Mom."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:

She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

Elderly Women Driving


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?

 

The Elderly Gentlemen
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

lol lol on the elderly driver Nat

 

How to Tell You're an Email Junkie

1) You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2) You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

3) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4) You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6) You laugh at people with 33.6 baud modems.

7) You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

9) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10) You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

11) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

12) You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

13) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

14) You tell the cab driver you live at www.1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

15) You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

And Last but not least.....

After reading this message, you immediately forward it

 

doncha just love Maxine??

 

Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It's mushy.

7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

 

Talented Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"