joke of the day

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My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.


The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."


The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."


The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a lecture...and it takes eight people to collect all the money."


Ex-Husband

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to flirt with other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

Uh...Reets,

Why do I have the feeling that you were thinking of Buckie..aka "Baked Bean Man" in #5 & #6?

The troot..the whole troot...an nuthin butt the troot in Deluth, Muaha ed

 

The Dangers of a Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.


Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.


A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.


The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.


Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.


After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

 

YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN .......

* Your pet rock snaps at you.
* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
* You call "suicide prevention" and they put you on hold.
* Ditto "911".
* Your birday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
* You walk to work and find your dress stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
* You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
* You turn on the news and they ae showing emergency routes out of the city.
* You wake up and your braces are locked together.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
* Your income tax check bounces.
* Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
* Your wife says "Good morning Bill". and your name is Joe.
* Your horn goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

 

The Rules of Chocolate
1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4)Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

 

Not so much a joke, but a really cool animation. Check it out

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images2/cooljuggle.gif

 

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/11/senilityprayer8jt.jpg​

http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif​

 

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."



snowbound

 

LOL, good one snowbound.

Gotta show ALLL my sweeties this !!

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE DHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
* Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating Tic-Tac.
* Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
* You can't hide a iece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUSTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULST HAVE LEARNED

* Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
* Growing old is mandaotry; growing up is optional.
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
* If you can remain clam, you don't have all the facts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
* My mind not opnly weanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
* One reason to smile is that every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
* You believe in Santa Claus
* You don't believe in Santa Claus
* You become Santa Claus
* You start to look like Santa Claus.

 

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free - you are either married to it or gave birth to it.

 

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale
* Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

* Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

* When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

* Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

* Always go to the bathroom first.

* Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)

* Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

* Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

* Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

* Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

 

OMG Rita !!

This is hillarious !!!

http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif

I have to try those the next time........... http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/5746/1wink8dw.gif​

 

thinkin about trying it myself

 

We sure Will beat the babes from the beach !!!



In our dreams.

 

I thought you two were the babes from the beach?

 

You really think so ??

Awwww.....

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/600/blushanimcl8rn.gif​

 

Heights of Email
HEIGHTS OF REPETITION: You forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded from him to you.


HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.


HEIGHTS OF COWARDLINESS: Two persons fighting through emails.


HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS: You receiving no emails for a week.


HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.


HEIGHTS OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.


HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.


HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending the email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.


HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS: A person sending an email to himself.

 

well Nat--dreams are wonderful things arent they? We'll keep on dreamin

 

That would be me !

 

YES! Dreams are the best !

 

Sometimes I block reality and live in my own little dream world--until I'm forced to leave it--

 

LOL. I think we have something in common.

Don't you think that reality is a bit too harsh anyways ? No wonder people flee it, lol.

But then again...I think that, let's say an optimist is just an illusionist.

Get it ?