joke of the day

Signs You've Been in London Too Long
- You say 'mate' constantly.

- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over �3 for a pint.

- Anyone not from London is a 'Wanker'

- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.

- You have no idea where the North is.

- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.

- The countryside makes you nervous.

- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.

- American tourists no longer annoy you.

- You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".

- You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.

- You didn't realize that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 , Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"


The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's
Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.

 

Going To...But First...
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes...

I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...

I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST...

I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...

I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...

I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...

I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...

I think I'll check my e-mail.

 

Not to worry Reets,

Pack up you troubles in your old kit bag an start smilin! I've got just the thing for you.

Good Samaritinizing in Smallsville, Keep it simple ed

 

That's a funny one, Rita!!

http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif​

 

AUSSIE ETIQUETTE

GENERAL RULES:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on
the toilet wall years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a
tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
5. On running out of fuel, when sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too. (-Funny I don't see a problem with this one

 

At Christmas time, I wanted to express my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive biscuits from McVitties since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea ( bird flu?) will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

 

I just hope you never find out what's in the air you're breathing. That might not be too good.

 

Diary of an Alice Springs Summer (by a Pom)

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh!t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to throttle him. Bloody heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and bloody sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid idiot. Bloody Alice Springs! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT?? This is the first day of Summer? You are bloody kiddin'!
--

 

Funny Story - $10,000 fishing lure
My Sales Manager told me a story about his dad fishing for Marlin in the ocean one time with his friends.

He was bragging about how is Rolex can go down 100 Meters and is made from solid gold, costing him around $10,000 (this was a while ago he said, maybe a gold sub or gold DD, who knows). The other guys in the boat were saying "no way" and egging him on.

They eventually helped him measure out a bunch of fishing line, and the guy lowered the watch into the ocean. As they were reeling the line in... the guy was talking about how the watch is finest craftmanship, solid gold, then the fishing reel went "zip... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzip" and the line broke. A fish got the watch, took off, and the line broke. The guys laughed at him the whole ride back to the shore.

 

I got this in an email awhile back, but the place was in Texas and the starting temperature was 95, then it climbed from there

 

Peanuts

A man visits his granny in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

"I'm so sorry, gran, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't really want them anyway."

 

No Brakes
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

 

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved
among us. Here then, are the glorious 2005 Darwin
Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, would-be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a
space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago
returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before
he was hit!

6. A man walked in to a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block
through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5
a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.

5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much
more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the
scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.

 

Odd Facts
* The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

* Almonds are members of the peach family.

* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

* There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous" tremendous,horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she gets naked under
the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries
to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you
berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
- juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound
experien ced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful
silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have
heard about .. numbaa 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... chicken wiff
broccori?"

 

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b308/caca92/11275742308804uu.gif

 

50 ways to have fun shopping.


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the
day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
"test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and
say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you
people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any
in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield
with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

 

think it would help lol

 

Before and After Children
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.

AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.

 

Rules Men Wish Women Would Learn
If you think you're fat you probably are. So don't ask us.

Just learn to work the toilet seat: It's very simple, if it's up,
just put it down. There is no practical reason that it should be left in the position that you want it.

No, don't cut you're hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Learn to live with it.

Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as our career, the shotgun formation, the bad tee-shot we hit on #14, or Harley-Davidsons.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different: it's just like every other cat.

Any dog is better than any cat. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Yes, you have enough clothes and yes, you have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it or always respond favorably.

Ask for what you want, exactly. Subtle hints don't work.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries and Birthdays on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss from time to time.

We survive with three or four pair of shoes. It is ridiculous to ask our help choosing which pair, out of fifty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take any quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done — but, not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Consider golf, football, or fishing a mini vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainty not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

 

C'mon Rita,

Do you really think any guy is going to take the above seriously....and live??

Healing nicely in Nice, Crutched ed

 

Understanding Investments
Stock

A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

Bond

What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

Broker

The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

Bear

What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

Bull

What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

Margin

Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

Short Position

A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

Commission

The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

Yak

What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.