joke of the day

perks of being over forty

. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

 

SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot .

 

THOSE ARE SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!! http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gifhttp://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif

 

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What is a vampires least favorite food?
Steak.

What do they teach in witching school?
Spelling.

How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
So long sucker!

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

Why was there no food left after the monster's party?
Because everybody was a-goblin!

Why was the little ghost crying?
Because he had a BOO-BOO!

What's a Vampire's favorite fruit?
NECKtarine!

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A Hoblin Goblin!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!

Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift?
Because he is too hard to unwrap!

What do goblins and ghosts drink
when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap!!!!!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

What are a ghost's favorite kind of streets?
Dead ends.

What happens when two vampires meet?
It is love at first bite!

What do you call a little monsters parents?
Mummy and Deady.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
Sour-puss.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

 

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em

 

A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 

Go To School
A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.


"Nobody in school likes me," he complained.


"The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."


"But, John, you have to go to school," said her mother sternly.


"You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU'RE THE PRINCIPAL."

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous" and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for awhile with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy finally calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

 

Visiting Grandma
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

 

Doctor's Poker Game
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

 

Liquor Warning

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your clothes.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boyfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

 

Why computers crash by dr Seuss

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

 

Interesting Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

.....

 

A Few Things to Ponder
1- Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

2- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

3- Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

4- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

5- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

6- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

7- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

8- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.

9- I am having an out of money experience.

10- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


12- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 

Just Following Directions
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."


When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"


The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."


"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from skipping."

 

Martha vs .Maxine - I like Maxine's way ....
*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!


* Martha - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes
* Maxine - Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
* Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up.
* If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite
with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't
care how bad it tastes!"

* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.Celery?
* Never heard of it!

*Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
* The throbbing will go away.Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
* Leftover wine?? HELLO !!!!!!!

*************************************

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are
probably dead.

 

The Professor and the Taxi Driver
A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."


The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.


Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.


The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?"


The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results?all of your people sleep through your lectures?in his taxi, they pray."

 

This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

SAMPLE STATEMENTS:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
U LTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate

12 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Plainly; Men Stink
11. Pack My Stuff
And my f avorite one...
12. Potential Murder Suspect

 

Brothers and Sisters
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Something Special...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

 

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
-Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

-You wake up face down on the pavement.

-You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

-You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

-You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

-The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

-Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

-You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up!

 

Things kids say

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to
take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got t! he hiccups. "Please don't give
me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"

MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in
a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he
whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when
I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an
elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a
while and then ask! ed, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but
dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

Um......It's kinda the residue covering everything after 'Baked Bean Man' has strolled thu the room!!

Feathering the duster in Hoover, Vacuum ed