joke of the day

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life! Your EX-Wife.



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

 

> > Subject: Hitchhiker
> > >
> > >
> > > This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a
little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
> > >
> > > This out of state traveler was on the side of the road,
hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time
passed slowly and no cars went by.
> > >
> > > It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front
of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept
toward him and stopped.
> > >
> > > Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed
the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind
the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
> > >
> > > Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and running.
> > > The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and,
still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging
for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into
a nearby lake and he would surely drown!
> > >
> > > But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the
driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the
hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone
again!
> > >
> > > Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every
time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death,
had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into
town, into Willmar.
> > >
> > > Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering,
ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his
supernatural experience.
> > >
> > > A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they
realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).
> > >
> > > About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one
says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when
we wuz pushin it in the rain

 

thanks capp

 

These are the laws of the natural universe:

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

 

A Floral Apology
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."



Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

 

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how....)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

Have a great day everyone

 

Maybe I (or someone else) posted this one befeore, but here goes:

Little Tony


A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then little Tony says, "I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which little Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

 

Cutting In Line
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.


A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.


On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.


As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:


"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

 

Captain Bravado
Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

 

Yeah Rita, In case he spilled his coffee....right!! .....eh!!!

Hand me a towel in Tushville, Naughty ed

 

ways to tell if your neighbor is a witch
Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing.

When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on.
Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true!
Has a pond full of frogs, and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while.
Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe while you're having a bath.

She's always smiling, darn her!
Has named her four cats Beelzebub, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam ... or her rats Devon and Cornwall.
Her bumper sticker reads:

Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis.

You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.

She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat earrings for goodness-sake.
She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural.

All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden ... and use your own as their litter.
You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house.
You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack.

She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins! Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door.
You catch her hugging a tree.

 

Aah Reeta,

My Mother-in-Law didn't think that last one was funny at all. Just thought I'd let you know. Be sure to soak your mail in a pail of water for the next couple of weeks!

Be wary in W Virginia, Smilin ed

 

yep--thats it I believe

 

very wary in

http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/5725/045westvirginia49483sv.gif

 

Edited=may be contravene forum rules...so here is another one...

Lipstick in School.
>>>According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
>>>was
>>>recently faced with a unique problem.
>>>A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
>>>would
>>>put it on in the bathroom.
>>>That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
>>>press
>>>their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>>>Every
>>>night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
>>>girls
>>>would put them back.
>>>
>>>Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
>>>She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
>>>the
>>>maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
>>>causing a
>>>major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
>>>night.
>>>
>>>To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
>>>asked
>>>the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
>>>required. He
>>>took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
>>>cleaned
>>>the mirror with it.
>>>
>>>
>>>Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>>>There are teachers, and then there are educators!
>>>

 

How To Avoid The Flu

* Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take
your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

* Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
* Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
* Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
* Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life
as you can.

OR
Take the doctor's office approach.
* Think about it...
* When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
*Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So.......

* I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
* I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
* Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
* Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
* Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
* Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the ***!!"

 

Ooh....your nanny was naughty...no more peaches4u!!

Hoarding in Atlanta, Fuzzy ed

 

But still... I have to concur with the old lady...!!!

 

The glass or the ***

 

MOTHERS SAID"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me?
Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the
ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your
report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and
prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've
really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark , your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed'

 

What A Legal System...

A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires".

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.

He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".

Here comes the best part...!!

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

 

Glad you got back on track Reet,

You had me worried there for a moment!

Relieved in Margaritaville, Cool ed

 

I was hoping you mighta forgot that