joke of the day

. Kids Prayers

Dear God,
please put another holiday
between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda



2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce



3. Dear Mr.
God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet





5. Dear God,
how did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene



6. Dear God,
is it true my father
won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita



7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nancy



8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah
the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn



9. Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around
when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis



10. Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan



11. Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes
to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma



12. Dear God,
in bible times,
did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer



13. Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles
in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy



14. Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark
to a different summer camp this year.
Peter



15. Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel
would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry



16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring,
but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark



17. Dear God,
my brother told me about
how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha



18. Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara



19. Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the business?
Donny



20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody
could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because
you are already God.
Charles



21. Dear God,
it is great the way you always
get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff



22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank



And, saving the best for last .

23. Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas

 

Obsessed Mothers


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

 

How to Please Your I.T. Department...
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

- When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

- Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

 

This is what happens when a cat has too much catnip.

http://www.guzer.com/animations/catnip.php

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt. Sterling Ky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot emptied, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

 

Haha.

 

An Unlikely Vacation
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

 

EVER WONDER .

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Plumber with a sense of humor!

 

Thanks to all Every morning i read you and laugh

 

You may have heard that the FDA is expanding their guidelines for the screening of MAD cow at processing plants. . . now they want to include cows who are even just a little bit upset.

 

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road?
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #1: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!

OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

 

.....

 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

 

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

 

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the
war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.


Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
people away.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone
knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

 

Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

 

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, someone was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, he ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

 

The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.

"Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked.

"Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 72."

 

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle to begin the game.

Unfortunately, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

Supposedly, the guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated

 

You're Somewhere Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If:
You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
You remember the premier of MTV -or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."

 

Actual Caddy Quotes
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"

Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

 

Subject: Hitchhiker

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a
little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road,
hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time
passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front
of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept
toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed
the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind
the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and,
still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging
for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into
a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the
driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the
hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone
again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every
time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death,
had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into
town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering,
ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his
supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they
realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one
says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when
we wuz pushin it in the rain."