joke of the day

Ya gotta love Maxine!!

 

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness

* "I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
* "Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
* "What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"
* "Why is there a tag on his toe ?"
* "Do you think he can hear us ?"
* "I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
* "I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anthesia. Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
* "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
* "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards ?"
* "Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!"
* "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

***************************************************************

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with
a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have
gotten out today."
****************************************************************

Q > What do politicians and diapers have in common?

A > You change them, and for the same reason.

***************************************************************

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But why bother? The light socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.

***************************************************************

Did you hear the one about he lepers card game?

One threw in his hand and the others laughed their heads off.

***************************************************************

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simltaneously spot a $100 bill.

Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

****************************************************************

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

****************************************************************

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

***************************************************************

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

***************************************************************

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.
​

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

***************************************************************

Q. Did you hear the one about the teacher who was arrested trying to board a plane with a compass,a protrackor,and a calculater?

A. He was charged with carrying weapons of MATH instruction.

***************************************************************

SIMPLE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.



LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

***************************************************************

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

***************************************************************

New Hurricane:

The National Weather Service has issued a warning
for yet another catastrophic hurricane following
on the heels of Charley, Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne.

The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and
is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict
that this one will cause the most damage to
the United States that we have experienced
in four years.

They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry.

Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect
themselves is by getting behind a Bush.

**************************************************************

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

 

Good idea

 

American and Russian Dog Competition
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

Hillarious!!!!!!!

 

Turn your speakers up and do a bit of toe tappin, smile & enjoy

http://www.squirtsplace.com/miscfun/LittleBittyCutePets.swf

 

Top excuses if found asleep at your Desk...
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"I'm in the management training program."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk: "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

 

Words To Live By...
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself!"

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

 

The Pastor's Wife


Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.


After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."


To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

 

The Tourists...
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."


Elementronics:
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

 

WILL ROGERS
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

* The ones that learn by reading.
* The few who learn by observation.
* The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral:
When you're full of bull,
keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

The Man From The Desert...
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

 

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to check it out.
So, he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

The angel returned and said to God, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

I didn't get one either.

 

Sunbathing .........

 

Teenagers are like Cats:
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

Eye have a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

 

Three Men and A Lamp
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."


Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

 

A Few Quotes Found While Surfing the Net...
"A day without sunshine is like night"

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."

"I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges."

"Remember half the people you know are below average."

"The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest.""

"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool."

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."

 

Walking on Water...
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.

A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.

Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.

The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

 

The problems with GIRLS

The problems with GIRLS :-


If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;
If u Don't, she says u are from CHENNAI.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u (very true huh?)
If u don't make love with her, she says ! u don't Love her;
If u do!! she says u are CHEAP.
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;
If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;
If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLELADY.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;
If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!
If u send this to girls, they will swear that it's not
true..Send it to boys also, which will give them some
laughter ...
partly true

 

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'puteing',
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.
<<Sigh>>

It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

 

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around
naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me
from streaking.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood
alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with
a relative!

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too
many of them get elected!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a
truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your
life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am
perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so
many dead rabbits on the highway?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

Nice Post, Rita!

 

I hope this doesn't cross any lines. I laughed out loud at this one and had to share. I changed anything that might offend anyone or violate the TOS. Here 'goes...


One Woman's Tale of Woe!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal... the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... THE WAX!

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids... then the thought occurs to me... "maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand... they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else you think needs waxing) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out... YA THINK?

So... I prepare the strips for waxing... they stick together... they're really STUCK! Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in... so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. "Cold wax, yeah right!" I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids... I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek, (yes! it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself... RIP!!!!!!! I'm blind! Blinded from pain! OH MY GOD! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums? Breath, breath... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy... a wax covered strip... the strip that caused me so much pain... with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. There's no hair on it! Where's the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet... I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I'm touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body... which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something... so, I put my foot down. DAMN! I feel the slamming of a cell door. who-ha? Sealed shut! Butt? Sealed shut! I walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop, my head might pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... get in... immerse the wax covered body parts and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off... right? WRONG!

I get into the tub... the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment... I sit. Now... the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together... is having them glued together and stuck to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water... which by the way DOES NOT MELT COLD WAX. So... now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement epoxied myself to the porcelain.

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom! I call my friend... thinking... surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me unglued. It's a very good conversation starter... "So... my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub." There's a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret trick for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks, hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. "Yeah right! I should be the joke of someone's night."

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaved. By now the brain is not working... dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion in the box to remove any excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and... "OH MY GOD!" The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. "It's so painful!" But... I really don't care... "It works! It works! IT WORKS!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week... I'm going to try hair color.