joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    Some hypothetical questions:
    Since history never stops, when does the future begin?

    What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

    If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

    Practice makes perfect but no one is perfect so why practice?

    If tomorrow is going to be twice as cold as it iss today, and if today is 0 degrees, how cold will it be tomorrow?

    When people say "Expect the unexpected," doesn't that mean the unexpected is expected?

    Isn't it scary to know what doctors do for a living is called "practice"?

    If everyone is a winner, then doesn't that mean that everyone is also a loser?

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    How do you throw away a trash can?

    If quitters never win and winners never quit who came up with "Quit while your ahead"?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    Why is it that when something is sent in a car, it's called a shipment, yet when it's sent in a ship, it's called cargo?

    How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

    Where does the sky finally have its limit?

    Can you breath out of your nose and into your mouth at the same time?

    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?

    If psychics know the winning lottery numbers why are they still working?

    What is the speed of dark?

    Why do people ask if they can "borrow" a piece of paper? Do they really plan on returning it.

    If a pizza is round then why do they make the box square?

    If repetition is the key to learning, and repetition is a sign of stupidity, does that make learning stupid?

    If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go on forever?
     
  2. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Garter Snakes can be Dangerous!
    Yes, garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...

    A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

    She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

    About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the E.M.T. saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. Arming himself with a rolled-up newspaper, he began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, causing the snake to rush back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her "dead faint" and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it had all happened over a "little green snake". The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity, disconnecting the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police got a new squad car, and all was right with their world.

    That's when she shot him.
     
  3. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    This is AMAZING! Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically ... until now.

    Which of the two birds is a female?

    Below are two birds.
    Study them closely.........


    Now se
    e if you can spot which of the two is the female.

    It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
     

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  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The Lottery
    A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble.


    She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."


    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."


    Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.


    Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.


    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
     
  5. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Subject: Pet Fish





    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Missouri recently with two

    ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those

    fish?"



    "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must

    understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game

    warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let

    them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back

    into this here ice chest and I take them home."



    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden



    The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's

    the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay,"

    said the game! warden, "I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the

    fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the

    game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"



    "Well, what?" said the redneck.

    The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

    The redneck said, "Call who back?"

    "The FISH!" replied the warden.

    "What fish?" answered the redneck.



    We in Missouri may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't

    as dumb as most government employees
     
  6. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The Story of the Yam:
    You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one, a real sweet Potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

    They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like 'Hot Potato,' and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

    Yam said not to worry, that no Mr. Spud would find her and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

    But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

    Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

    Yam told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, 'Frito Lay.'

    Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.

    One day Yam came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because Tom Brokaw is just a commentator (common-tater!).
     
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Big Man In a Small Town
    Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

    The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

    "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

    This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

    The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
     
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Cute things kids say love is:

    When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
    So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
    Rebecca- age 8

    "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
    You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
    Billy - age 4

    "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
    Chrissy - age 6

    "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
    Terri - age 4

    "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
    Danny - age 7

    "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
    My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
    Emily - age 8

    "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
    Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

    "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
    Nikka - age 6


    (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


    "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
    Noelle - age 7

    "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
    Tommy - age 6

    "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
    He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
    Cindy - age 8

    "My mommy loves me more than anybody .
    You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
    Clare - age 6

    "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
    Elaine-age 5

    "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt "
    Chris - age 7

    "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
    Mary Ann - age 4

    "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
    Lauren - age 4
     
  9. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    Trekk

    Read the TOS to make sure you are not crossing any lines. Thanks.
     
  10. Trekk

    Trekk Registered Member

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    Yeah, I was kinda wondering where that would fall. I had seen several other posts the skimmed topics of that nature but may have just fallen short. I do however think maybe you should put more thought to the difference between sex, and sexuality ie biology. I think comments such as the old man bending over the old lady to do her nails, qualifies more as pornography then my joke.

    Anyway, thanks for the heads up.


    Trekk
     
  11. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    A man approached the minister at his church...."Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?" "I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin.
    In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off.
    The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones. "My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare. Before long, though, she again nodded off.
    This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 9th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

    "Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
     
  12. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Code:
    Types of computer viruses
    Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
    
    Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
    
    Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
    
    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
    
    AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
    
    The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
    
    Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
    
    Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
    
    Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
    
    Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
    
    Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
    
    Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
    
    David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
    
    Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
    
    Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
    
    Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
    
    Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
    
    George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
    
    Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
    
    Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
    
    Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
    
    Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
    
    Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
    
    New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
    
    Nike virus: Just Does It!
    
    Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
    
    Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
    
    Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
    
    Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
    
    Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
    
    PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
    
    Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
    
    Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
    
    Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
    
    Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
    
    Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
    
    Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
    
    Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
    
    Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
    
    UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
    
    Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
     
  13. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    loved this one Bigc :D
     
  14. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Getting Into the Olympic Village
    Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

    Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

    The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

    The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

    The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

    The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

    The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

    They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a blonde simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

    Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
     
  15. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don't factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I'd list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.

    Walk
    PROS: No costly equipment needed. Powered by renewable fuel source.
    CONS: No civilized man has used walking as transportation since the days of the caveman.

    Ride a Bike
    PROS: Turns human power into quick transportation.


    Use Public Transportation
    PROS: Use less fuel per capita by riding together.
    CONS: Probably get mugged or stabbed... or just wish you were.

    Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
    PROS: Keep the convenience of a car while using less fuel.
    CONS: Why don't you just give up and move to France while you're at it.

    Drive an Electric Car
    PROS: Uses no gasoline. Quiet.
    CONS: After nine hours of charging, it has a range of about eight miles.

    Drive a Hybrid Car
    PROS: Uses less fuel by combining electricity with gasoline.
    CONS: A relatively new technology, so no scientist has been able to show how it causes cancer yet.

    Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
    PROS: Look extremely regal as you stand while riding through town. Especially a great way of transportation if you like whipping animals.
    CONS: Crashes can be extremely hazardous if someone sticks something in your spokes. I'd only ride one if it has a rollover bar.

    Trade Blood for Oil
    PROS: You keep making more blood, so why not trade it for the gas you need.
    CONS: Some gas station won't accept blood in trade and thus have a "No Blood for Oil!" sign out front.

    Drive a Solar Powered Car
    PROS: The power of the sun is free... for now.
    CONS: As for what you do at night or on a cloudy day, I have no idea.

    Drive a Coal Powered Car
    PROS: Uses cheap, clean coal.
    CONS: Shoveling coal while driving is almost as distracting as talking on the phone. With the open flame there, you made need a drink to calm your nerves.

    Ride a Dog Sled
    PROS: Dogs are happy animals and the friends of man.
    CONS: Will need to cause some sort of new Ice Age to be able to use a dog sled anywhere... which is harder than it sounds. May chase after people in cat sleds.

    Fly a Zeppelin
    PROS: You will be master of the skies. Achtung!
    CONS: Just don't smoke near the... Oh! The humanity!

    Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
    PROS: Will get you about the same horsepower as a Geo Metro with no gasoline.
    CONS: Need to keep replacing wood shavings in the engine to keep down the smell. If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.

    Ride a Segway
    PROS: High-tech gyro keeps you upright as you speed down the sidewalks.
    CONS: Riding one, you'll look like a complete goober... a complete goober from the future!

    Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
    PROS: Quite exotic and will certainly turn heads.
    CONS: Angry.

    Use a Transporter
    PROS: Instantaneous travel gets rid of commute time.
    CONS: If a fly gets in there with you, you will become a hideous mutant that looks like Jeff Goldblum. If a monkey sneak in there with you, that could be the start of the planet of the apes.

    Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
    PROS: Can keep driving your SUV for little cost.
    CONS: None... as long as no one is watching. And make sure to use the breath mint after you get the gasoline.
     
  16. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices:


    10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
    9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
    8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
    7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
    6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
    5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
    4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
    3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
    2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.



    1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather
    all over the Middle East.
     
  17. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Need Water!
    An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

    The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

    The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

    The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

    "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

    The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.

    Three hours later he returned.

    The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

    "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
     
  18. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    Being faithful

    Can a girl do more than this for her man! and laughter is part of the
    human survival kit.

    An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his
    wife,

    "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's
    something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
    She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

    "Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

    Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we
    were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?

    "Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

    "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

    "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so
    bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time? "

    "Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died
    of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

    "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
    "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he
    performed the operation at no cost?"

    "Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me!, I do
    understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.
    So, what was the third time?"

    Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for
    president of your golf club and you needed 32 more votes?"
     
  19. Beefcarver

    Beefcarver Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2005
    Posts:
    263
    Location:
    michigan
    =============================================================
    dont cross the line lol....

    a kid said hey mommy I know why you and Daddy are divorced...
    I saw your drivers licence, they gave you an F in Sex.
     
  20. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Trouble Selling A Car...
    A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

    One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

    "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

    "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

    The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

    About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
     
  21. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2002
    Posts:
    5,070
    Location:
    At my computer
    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
    home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

    "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
    merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
    allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,
    sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his
    mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
    packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the
    dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a
    deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
    paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter
    box and bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
    vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to
    pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set
    out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
    Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

    At 4:30he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
    breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, she cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the
    kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M.he was exhausted and, though his
    daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
    make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
    Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
    being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
    learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
    they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant
    last night."
     
  22. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2004
    Posts:
    10,633
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Almost Perfect Life

    An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

    The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde who satisfies my every need from sunrise till sunset! (sob)."

    The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

    The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."



    Black and White

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
     
  24. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Ladies Bumper Stickers

    So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

    God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.

    My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

    Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

    Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

    Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen

    Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.

    Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.

    Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

    Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.

    If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
     
  25. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Posts:
    6,863
    Location:
    wilds of wv
    Little Johnny Learns to Count...
    The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

    "Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

    "Good. What comes after three."

    "Four," answers little Johnny.

    "What comes after six?"

    "Seven."

    "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

    Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
     
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