joke of the day

Now that is the truth! lol

 

https://www.wilderssecurity.com/showpost.php?p=524515&postcount=870

Hummmmmm......... this was veryyyyyy interesting

 

http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/7629/1omghappyfacesuntag4ka.th.jpg

could have been written to us lol--just kidding but I'm almost that bad sometimes

 

Mississippi Student Absentees
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district.
The spelling has been left intact.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because
she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

An old country farmer with some money problems
bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who
agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the
farmer who sold the mule asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

 

The Shepherd...

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know @$#% about my business because you took my dog."

 

and you think your job is bad
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/dont_complain1.jpg

 

Good ones Ron lol

 

An Embarrassing Problem:
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

 

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son
Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad"

A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Dad, For
heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear
Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances. Love, Fred"

 

Hola Primmy,

Kinda reminds me of how we get things done at Fort Swampy!!

R.I.P. (Rest In Potatoes), Spud Ed

 

The stars at nite !!!



The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.



"Tonto, look up and tell me what you see."



Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars, Kimosabe."



What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.



Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is

all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kimosabe?"



The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dummy Someone has stolen our tent."

***************************************

So here is the real Joke..

The Red Planet isn't coming


http://www.knoxstudio.com/shns/story.cfm?pk=MARSHOAX-08-10-05&cat=AN

 

"Test for Dementia"


"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.

WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!


1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.





2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?





Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??
If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.




4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?





Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
​

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
​

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

​

​

​

 

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing
"good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody
needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray
at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting
in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they
want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you
want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned
off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and
a third person comes in and says, "well at my last
office...," and you want to throw a stapler at
him...... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first
thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does
she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your
desk......... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone
else's work and the first thing that pops in your head
is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to
pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up
someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the
darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say
"that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find
a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because
no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a##
M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking,
punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that
you work with...... You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you
doing to someone because you know it's going to lead
to their life story ........You need to pray at work.


If you know all the words that have been bleeped
out....You need to pray at work!

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

 

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

*Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

*Why do Komikaze Pilots wear crash helmuts?

*Why do we drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway?

 

MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my
guess."

 

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

.....

 

That is a good one Rita, Better his forehead than mine