Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.
Now that is the truth! lol
Hummmmmm......... this was veryyyyyy interesting
could have been written to us lol--just kidding but I'm almost that bad sometimes
Mississippi Student Absentees
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district.
The spelling has been left intact.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because
she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
An old country farmer with some money problems
bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who
agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the
farmer who sold the mule asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant" says the shepherd.
"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know @$#% about my business because you took my dog."
You're on a roll Rita!
and you think your job is bad
The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what your future will bring.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly. What do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
Good ones Ron lol
An Embarrassing Problem:
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son
Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad"
A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Dad, For
heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear
Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances. Love, Fred"
Kinda reminds me of how we get things done at Fort Swampy!!
R.I.P. (Rest In Potatoes), Spud Ed
The stars at nite !!!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars, Kimosabe."
What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kimosabe?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dummy Someone has stolen our tent."
So here is the real Joke..
The Red Planet isn't coming
"Test for Dementia"
"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??
If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing
"good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody
needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray
When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting
in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they
want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you
want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned
off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and
a third person comes in and says, "well at my last
office...," and you want to throw a stapler at
him...... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first
thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does
she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your
desk......... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone
else's work and the first thing that pops in your head
is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to
pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up
someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the
darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say
"that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find
a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because
no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a##
M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking,
punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that
you work with...... You need to pray at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you
doing to someone because you know it's going to lead
to their life story ........You need to pray at work.
If you know all the words that have been bleeped
out....You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
You know you're a corporate nerd when:
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a 10 page presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this offline".
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re- engineering,""down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"
a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
*Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
*Why do Komikaze Pilots wear crash helmuts?
*Why do we drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway?
MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
That is a good one Rita, Better his forehead than mine
Separate names with a comma.