joke of the day

Being an Italian w/a love for Mexico I think I'll have lunch and then Take a nap!!

Zzzzzz, big ed

 

Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

 

I just have never been the same since that house fell on my sister


Would that be a direct quote from Glynda (sp) the Good Witch, Rita?

Just checking........I'm really not a bot you know!!

Just in case, you were wondering.....

 

----------------

 

ROFL!! THAT'S A GOOD ONE, A SWITCH ON THE OLD STORY TOO! LOL!

 

deer hunting anyone??
http://www.aircraftresourcecenter.com/TPC/Funny_Pictures/0001-1000/0601-0700/0619/0619.jpg

 

Now that is scary!! Don't think a real hunter would need that......so who are they really hunting for! Yikes!

 

http://www.easttennesseedining.com/biged.gif

 

Two mates went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of
wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Gary awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
Kevin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Kevin sees millions and millions of stars in the dark night sky.

"And what does that tell you?", Gary questioned.

Kevin pondered for a moment.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is
in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow".

"Is that all??" Gary asked.

"Yes." Kevin replied. "Why? Am I missing something?"

Gary was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly: "Kevin, someone has
stolen the f**king tent!"

 

Words That Don't Exist, But Really Should...
1. AQUADEXTROUS - Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT - To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. PEPPIER - The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

7. PHONESIA - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

8. PUPKUS - The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

9.TELECRASTINATION - The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

The Male - Female Dictionary

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off with the kids.

BUTT
Female: What every item of clothing manufactured makes ''look bigger.''
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

FLATULENCE
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

 

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

 

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road

 

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

http://img304.imageshack.us/img304/4197/tenngirls4ur.gif

 

.....

 

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=========================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==========================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
==========================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
the little Fokker in sight."
==========================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
==========================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."
==========================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==========================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in
the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to
find a new pilot."
==========================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
>uick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
=========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt,

Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and
I didn't land."
=========================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew,
screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between
C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.


Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

I'm FINE!

Boudreaux decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux:

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer.

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into da...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!"

Boudreaux said, "Well I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I
was driving down de road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was sayin', I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her
down de highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran dat stop sign and
smacked my truck right in de side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into de other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I
knew dat she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after de
accident a Highway Patrolman came on de scene. He could hear Bessie moanin'
and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out
his pistol and shot her between de eyes. Den dat Patrolman came across de
road with his pistol in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule
was in such bad shape dat I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

 

The Dead Donkey

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "Jus' give my money back, cher."

"I can't do that sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm gon-to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong! You wait an' you learn how smart we Cajuns
are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made
$998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave'em his two dollars back."

 

What Gender is a Computer?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their
English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like "chalk" or "pencil", she described, would have a gender
association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one
student raised a hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher
wasn't certain which it was, and so divided up the class into two groups and
asked them to decide if a computer should bemasculine or feminine. One group
was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups
were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem
3. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a
better model

The group of men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later reprisal
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay check on accessories for it

 

"Nebraska Virus"

You have just received the "Nebraska Virus"
As we ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor
system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this
virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation,
Nebraska University Computer Engineering Dept.

 

Important! Read this message.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
other
tired and discouraged men. Unlike many chain letters, this one
does
not cost anything. Just make five copies of this letter for five
of
your male friends who are equally tired and bored with their
present
relationship.

Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend (or both) and send her to
the
man whose name appears at the top of the list, add your name to
the
bottom, and mail out the letters.

Within 30 days, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is
bound to
be better than the one you have. At the writing of this letter,
a
friend of mine had already received 186 women, 4 of whom were
worth
keeping.

REMEMBER - This chain brings luck.

One day a man forwarded this letter and the next day he received
the
Hooter Girl of the Year. An unmarried New Jersey man was able to

choose between a massage therapist, a liquor store owner and a
nymphomaniac caddy.

You can be lucky, too, but don't break the chain. One man did
and got his ex-wife back!

 

Since I am a native Kentuckian, I'll use my home state for this one. Hope it doesn't "cross the line" :

"Two Hillbillies from Kentucky walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich begins to choke. It becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the Hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swalla?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

 

A waiter walks through a hotel and suddenly hears a woman screaming and yelling like hell.
The waiter knocks on the door and yells "Are you murdering somebody there ?"
After a moment of silence a man yells back "No, on the contrary !"

 

The Ferrari
A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" " Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"