joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Having Fun with Telemarketers

    -- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    -- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

    -- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    -- This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    -- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could possibly know you from.

    -- Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    -- If the company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

    -- After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    -- Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

    -- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

    -- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either, now you know how it feels!"

    -- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    -- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    -- Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    -- Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    -- Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    -- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    -- Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

    -- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down
     
  2. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Hey Rita,

    I printed your last one out. You listed a couple I haven't tried yet.

    Thanks, big ed
     
  3. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    big ed
    I havent tried any of them yet lol, but I should ,sometimes they are so aggravating.
     
  4. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Hey Rita,

    This is a nice friendly Thread. I'm sorta getting hammered in a couple of other ones so do you mind if I hang out here for a bit until it blows over? (Like thats ever going to happen!) Please..please...please!!!

    Singing the 'Sorry Song'

    PS...Don't tell anyone where I am......
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2005
  5. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    Thought this was funny.
     

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  6. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    An American tourist visited a small town in Spain.

    The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel.

    Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner.

    He suggested the "cojones".

    The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today."

    He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests.

    The tourist found them to be very tasty.

    The next night he again ordered them for dinner.

    The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly.

    The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before.

    The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"
     
  7. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    How does a avid video gamer greet guests?

    H-a-l-o!
     
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

    2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

    4. Rottweiler: Make me.

    5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

    6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

    7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

    8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

    9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

    10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb. "

    12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

    13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

    14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



    How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

    The Cat's Answer:

    Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

    How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

    ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS; CATS HAVE STAFF
     
  9. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Actual Bumper Stickers
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog... Dorothy.

    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

    I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

    Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW..

    Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

    Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
     
  10. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Difference Between Men and Women

    WOMEN:

    - Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

    - Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

    - Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

    - A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

    - Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

    - The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

    - They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

    MEN:

    - Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders
     
  11. SexIsGood4U

    SexIsGood4U Registered Member

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    Hi Rita :D

    Are you going to continue about men ...... :) I will give you some consideration as you might have timed out ;) :D

    I liked the one about - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? (hahahaha) I have a cat and a dog. So I understand about both creatures very well and I think you have some logic in that :D

    Kindest Reagrds
    SIG4U
    :D
     
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  13. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Why Am I So Tired?

    For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.

    140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces ~snipped~. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

    And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2005
  14. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    An old man, a boy and a donkey were going
    to town. The boy rode on the donkey and
    the old man walked. As they went along
    they passed some people who remarked
    it was a shame the old man was walking
    and the boy was riding. The man and boy
    thought maybe the critics were right,
    so they changed positions.

    Later, they passed some people that remarked,
    "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
    They then decided they both
    would walk! Soon they passed some
    more people who thought they were
    stupid to walk when they had a decent
    donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

    Now they passed some people that
    shamed them by saying how awful to put
    such a load on a poor donkey.
    The boy and man said they were
    probably right, so they decided
    to carry the donkey. As
    they crossed the bridge, they lost
    their grip on the animal and he fell
    into the river and drowned.

    The moral of the story?
    If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

    kiss your butt goodby :D
     
  15. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    :D :D :D Good one Rita!
     
  16. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    thanks Ron
    and even kinda true too :D
     
  17. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Good Eats
    A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

    When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

    She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

    Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.

    The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
     
  18. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  19. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Don't mess with a woman....

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

    Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

    God works in Mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

    Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"


    The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.


    Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.


    The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.


    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


    The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "


    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    We women are really clever. Don't mess with us. :D :D :D
     
  20. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Good one Rita

    I think you took a little poetic liberty w/the third word in the last line!!

    Play on big ed
     
  21. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  22. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    OOh, I can feel the love.................but I'm tellin Ma anyways!!
     
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

    1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
    some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

    2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

    3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.

    5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
    Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
    So I bought her an electric chair.

    7. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
    Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

    8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

    10. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
    I said, "Dust!"
     
  24. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    You Know You're Not In College Anymore When...
    1. At 6am you're waking up instead of going to bed.

    2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

    3. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up.

    4. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

    5. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

    6. Three Words: School Loan Payments.

    7. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream car.

    8. You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

    9. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

    10. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

    11. Dinner and a movie becomes the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

    12. "Your girlfriend's pregnant"-brings thoughts of tax breaks instead of coronaries.

    13. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

    14.The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

    15.You get your news from sources other than ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

    16. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. (Just kidding!!!)

    17. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends'.

    18. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.

    19. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

    20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

    21. When drinking, you say at least once, "I just don't have the tolerance I used to."
     
  25. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    two cows explain the world

    A SOCIALIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

    A REPUBLICAN:
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none. So what?

    A DEMOCRAT:
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
    successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
    forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The
    people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
    cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

    A COMMUNIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

    A FASCIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and sells you
    the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
    of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
    eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have 5 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
    You think you have two cows,
    but you don't know what a cow looks like.
    You take a nap.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
    You charge for storing them for others.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    Have A Fun Day
    No Matter How Many Cows You Have
     
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