joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Glad to know that I'm not alone lol
     
  2. WSFuser

    WSFuser Registered Member

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    Proof that girls are evil:
    First we state that girls require time and money.
    Girls = Time x Money
    And as we all know "time is money".
    Time = Money
    Therefore
    Girls = Money x Money = (Money)²
    And because "money is the root of all evil".
    Money = √Evil
    Therefore
    Girls = (√Evil)²
    And we are forced to conclude:
    Girls = Evil
     
  3. Fumens

    Fumens Registered Member

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    Ouch!...that's cold.
     
  4. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  5. Valkyri001

    Valkyri001 Registered Member

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    :D :D :D :D :D
    C'Nile Hahaaha, Drinking Beer, Ohhoohhoo!, Evil Women, Ehehhheee!

    Oh No!! I'm an Old Fart lost in the big city. Heellllppp! :eek:
     
  6. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Know Your Audience
    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

    So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

    Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

    So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.

    So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

    Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

    Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

    The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

    "NUDIST COLONY"

    The moral of the story is: Go slow and watch out for the chicks
     
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  9. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Ever Get a Ticket? Here's how to get Even

    I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse crap,. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important. :D :D :D
     
  10. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Talk About Stupidity!!!!!

    In the words of Albert Einstien "There are two things infinate; the universe and human stupidity," if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
    BEFORE OPENING.
    (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
    APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer -
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos -
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
    (The shoplifter special!)

    12. On a bar of Dial soap -
    DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
    (And that would be how?)

    13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
    (Too late! You lose!)

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
    (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
    WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
    (Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
    (As opposed to use in outer space?)

    17. On a Japanese food processor -
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
    (Now I'm curious.)

    18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
    WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
    (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
    (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
    (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

    21. On a child's superman costume -WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
    (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

    22. On some frozen dinners:
    SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nightly sleep aid:
    WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
    (Duh!)
     
  11. Cochise

    Cochise A missed friend

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    A few guys enjoying a little private 'Weed' party...when suddenly there's a raid by the Drug Squad.....quickly they shove the bag of 'smokey' into the Cuckoo clock.....the Police search the place and find nothing.....just as they are about to leave, the Cuckoo clock door flies open, the Cuckoo comes out sideways and says "Woah there Man, any of you Dudes got the time".... :D


    Cochise, :cool:
     
  12. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  13. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Re: joke of the day2

    .....
     

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  14. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Re: Talk About Stupidity!!!!!

    It makes you wonder what they were thinking while they were writing these warnings. o_O
     
  15. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

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    Re: Talk About Stupidity!!!!!

    GUESS WHICH ONES MADE ME FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR, LAUGHING THE HARDEST!! :rolleyes: :D



    I AM NOT SURE WHAT ALL THAT SAYS, ABOUT THE WRITERS............HOW DID THEY KNOW?
     
  16. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Whats your point!!!!!!

    It's offensive anyways!!!!!
     
  17. ErikAlbert

    ErikAlbert Registered Member

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    Big ed,
    My point is that at least one joke was removed for this reason :
    That's why I checked each word in my post in order to obey the rules.
    What is so offensive about that ? I'm very curious.
     
  18. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    It was removed because of the way the words were formed into sentences. they were offensive==bigc
     
  19. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    [​IMG]
     
  20. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Mothers Valuable Lessons Taught

    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

    My mother taught me RELIGION -
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    My mother taught me LOGIC -
    "Because I said so, that's why."

    My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    My mother taught me IRONY -
    "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
    "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

    My mother taught me about STAMINA -
    "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

    My mother taught me about WEATHER -
    "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

    My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
    "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
    "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    My mother taught me about ENVY -
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

    My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
    "Just wait until we get home."

    My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
    "You are going to get it when we get home!"

    My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
    "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

    My Mother taught me ESP -
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

    My mother taught me HUMOR -
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
    "You're just like your father."

    My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
    "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
    "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

    And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
    "One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
     
  21. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

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    Re: Mothers Valuable Lessons Taught

    LOL​

    I have to agree with all but the last one. Shouldn't that be "REVENGE" ;)
     
  22. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Free to A Good Home

    For all the animal lovers out there! :D
     

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  23. MikeBCda

    MikeBCda Registered Member

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    Re: Talk About Stupidity!!!!!

    Hmm, maybe this one's a legal requirement? I take Flurazepam fairly regularly as a sleep aid, and the pharmacy always makes sure that the "may cause drowsiness" warning sticker goes on the bottle right next to the label.
     
  24. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    199
    Kids Say The Darnest Things!!

    A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:

    This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

    Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

    Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

    I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)

    My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

    When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

    I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

    I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age :cool:

    Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

    My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

    When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

    A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age :cool:

    When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

    On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
     
  25. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Hi Erik,

    Well for starters it appeared (to me) to violate 6 of the 13 items in the guidelines that Ron mentioned. I admit that I have never read the Guidelines but I try to utilise what little common sense I have. I doubt that there are many 'prudes' here but the give and take is more on the humerous side than the down and dirty. No big deal!! Done and forgotten!!

    Play on, big ed
     
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