joke of the day

------------

 

Cross-examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.

 

Doctors Visit

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes.But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

Hear only what you want to hear!

I guess there is a lot of truth in this one and a picture is worth a thousand words

 

The "Help" Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

6. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

7. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
>
> He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he
>has a better education.
>
> He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
>expense...
>
> Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
> Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
>
> Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
> Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
>registration, please."
>
> Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
> Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
>that's the law. License and registration, please!"
>
> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
>and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
>ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
>
> Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
>ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
>
> "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. .....Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4 . Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.

 

THOSE ARE PRETTY GOOD! MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TRY IT!

I LIKE THE BOZONE AND GLIBIDO THAT CRACKED ME UP!

 

TICK WARNING

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...
but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on
ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.​

 

My apologies BB. I won't do it again.

Play on, big ed

 

I am going to have to stop all of the partying

 

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him:
"Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

 

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said...
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." DOH!

 

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage.
They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse"

 

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

 

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/bbr/lowres/bbrn62l.jpg

 

Re: Silly Robert De Niro joke.

Chicken : "tok tok tok"
Other chicken : "Are you tokken to me ?"

 

Beer Trouble shooting

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:. It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an butt of yourself.

 

*spanks Rita with a baseball bat*

 

Oh no--was it that bad lol

 

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

 

HELP!! I THINK, WE HAVE THAT VIRUS!!

http://bestsmileys.com/eek/11.gif​

 

Think I've always had it lol

 

im sure everyone at one time or another shows at least a lil' of the symptoms. so dont worry, ur not alone.