joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Good one Bigc--lol
     
  2. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  3. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Now, that would be convenient!! LOL!!

    [​IMG]
     
  4. Firecat

    Firecat Registered Member

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    OK Here's my bit:

    <DO NOT READ THE ENDING FIRST!>

    A VERY BAD DAY

    Ok, there's this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying.

    Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".

    Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison"!
     
  5. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
  6. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Hello?. Hello?
    An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

    "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot,
    "Landing Gear, check. ?
    ?Altitude, check.?
    Right, we're going in. Hold on."

    The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

    The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too.."


    *************
    Two rednecks were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

    They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"


    *************
    I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
     
  7. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  8. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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  9. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    (They're boasting about race records)
    Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

    "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

    The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
     
  10. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    EGO vs. MEMORY

    A man standing in line at a checkout counter of a grocery store was quite surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.


    He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

    Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.

    The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"


    However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble one of her former lovers. Then again he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE ... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

    He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son's second-grade teacher.
     
  11. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    A Texan walks into a bar in Minnesota and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Minnesotans are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 dollars to anybody in here who can drink 12 bottles of beer back-to-back."

    The room is quiet ... no one takes up the Texan's offer. Ole gets up and leaves.

    Thirty minutes later Ole shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Ole.

    The Texan says, "Yes" and asks the bartender to line up 12 bottles of beer.


    Immediately Ole tears into all 12 of the bottles, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives Ole the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    Ole replies, "Oh, I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first."
     
  12. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Hillbilly Medical Terms


    Benign - What you be after you be eight

    Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

    Barium - What you do with dead folks

    Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

    Catscan - Searching for the cat

    Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

    Colic - A sheep dog

    Coma - A punctuation mark

    D&C - Where Washington is

    Dilate - To live longer than your kids do

    Enema - Not a friend

    Fester - Quicker than someone else

    Fibula - A small lie

    GI Series - World Series of military baseball

    Hangnail - What you hang your coat on

    Hospital - The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse, or Franks lumber mill

    Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

    Morbid - A higher offer than I bid

    Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake

    Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates

    Node - I knew it

    Outpatient - A person who has fainted

    Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

    Post Operative - A letter carrier

    Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

    Secretion - Hiding something

    Seizure - Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section

    Tablet - A small table to change babies on

    Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the train station

    Tumor - More than one

    Varicose - Near by
     
  13. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The Lighter Side of Zen ? Part 2
    1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

    2. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

    4. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

    5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

    6. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
     
  14. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    Works like a charm Rita. :D
     
  15. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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  16. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    A Monks Story

    A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. One day when he was driving home from work and he ran out of gas (how ironic). So the man walks and walks and eventually he comes upon a monestary.

    He asks a monk at the monstary, "Can I stay here over night? My car ran out of gas."

    The monk replies, "You may. But you musn't come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."

    The man replies, "That's fine with me." The monk takes him to his room, and the man falls asleep.

    About 12 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk saying that he couldn't leave his room between 12 and 6 am. The groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally stops at 6.

    The next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, "What was that racket coming from the basement?"

    "I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.

    So the man gets some gas from the monk, fuels up his car and drives home. For a year that groaning noise haunts him. The man decides to become a monk so he can find out what it was.

    The man goes to monk school, and afterwards goes to the monestary that he arrived at a year ago.

    He asks a monk there, "Can I stay here for the night?"

    The monk replies, "Yes, but do not come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."

    "Why not?" the man asks.

    "I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.

    "Yes I am," the man says.

    "Well just don't come out," the monk says.

    That night the man is awakened by the groaning noise. The man thinks, 'I'm a monk, so I can go and see what it is. The man walks down to the first floor and opens the door to the basement.

    It had been bugging him for sooo long what the groaning noise was in the basement. It had haunted his dreams, scared him in the day, and he had gone through monk school and everything JUST to see what the groaning noise was in the basement. It was a strange noise, and he was finally able to see what it was, after a whole 365 days. He was just so excited to know what it was, so he wouldn't be haunted anymore. So he went down to the basement, sighed, and slowly creaked the door open to see what he had been wanting to see for the longest time.

    Do you know what the man saw in the basement? I can't tell you. You're not a monk
     
  17. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Say The Right Thing

    Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

    "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

    Broken furniture - $85.26
    Hot Breakfast - $4.20
    Red Rose bud -$3.00
    Two Aspirins -$.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless.
     
  18. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Jim and Edna

    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

    He went to tell Edna the news. He said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
     
  19. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Husband and Wife Conversation

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    WIFE: - - - silence - - -
    HUSBAND: "OOPPS"
     
  20. Capp

    Capp Registered Member

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    Re: Husband and Wife Conversation

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!

    omg that's funny :D :D
     
  21. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The ways to grade the final exams
    Dept of Statistics:
    All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

    Dept of Psychology:
    Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

    Dept of History:
    All students get the same grade they got last year.

    Dept of Religion:
    Grade is determined by God.

    Dept of Philosophy:
    What is a grade?

    Law School:
    Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

    Dept of Logic:
    If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

    Dept of Computer Science:
    Random number generator determines grade.

    Music Department:
    Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

    Dept of Physical Education:
    Everybody gets an A.
     
  22. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Today's Top 25 Country and Western Songs

    Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
    Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
    How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
    I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
    I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
    I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
    I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
    I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
    l'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
    I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
    I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back, Crying Over You.
    If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
    If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
    Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
    My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
    My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
    Please Bypass This Heart.
    She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
    You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
    You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
    If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
    She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
    She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
    I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
     
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Bumper stickers

    If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Illiterate? Write For Help.
    ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Honk If Anything Falls Off.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
    But is Miles From The Next Exit.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
    Person.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
    If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
    Also Are Timed For 70 mph
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
    Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ax Me About Ebonics.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Boldly Going Nowhere.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
    For Eating His Animal Friends
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Honk If You've Never Seen
    An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
    Admits He is Lost?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    And Lastly:

    "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
     
  24. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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  25. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    like that one Curt lol
     
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