joke of the day

REDNECK SNOWPLOW!

 

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

 

OH THEM SUTH'RN BOYZ!

 

good old boys hearse

 

Hi Guys
Love all the jokes and funny pics--what a wonderful way to start off my morning with a big laugh!Big thanks for a good start to my day!

 

Subject: Down Zipper
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks
door is
> > > open.=
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way
looking a
> bit
> > >> > > >puzzled.
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
"Your
fly
> > >> > > >is
> > >> > > >open."
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
> > >>intentionally
> > >> > > >got in the line where the lady was that told him about his
> "barracks
> > >> > door."
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >He thought he'd have a little fun with her. When he reached
the
> > > counter
> > >> > he
> > >> > > >said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a
soldier
> > >>standing
> > >> > > >in
> > >> > > >there at attention?"
> > >> > > >
> > >> > > >The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a
moment
and
> > >>said,
> > >> > > >"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting
on a
> > > couple
> > >>of
> > >> > > >old duffel bags."
> > >> > >
> > >> >
> > >>
> > >
> > >
> >
>

 

cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home!"

 

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens

 

Primrose and Bigc
Thanks for the laughs to jump start my day! good way to begin my work day

 

Died in the service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:15 or the 10:45?

 

The C.O had just welcomed the young army officer, shown him around the camp and was outlining the recreational facilities.
"On Mondays we have a snooker tournament, a jolly good show with the winner taking the jackpot."
"I'm afraid I don't play snooker sir," said the officer.
"Well, on Tuesdays we have a darts match," continued the C.O, "and first to make 301 wins the drinks."
"I'm afraid I don't like gambling or playing darts, sir."
"Really?" said the C.O. "Well, on Wednesday nights a few girls come up from the village for a dance and a bit of hanky panky and..."
"Sorry sir," said the officer. "I don't have time for women."
"Good God, man," said the C.O. "You're not gay are you?"
"Certainly not sir," said the officer.
"Oh dear," said the C.O., "then you are not going to like Thursday and Friday nights much either."

 

.....poor mans stereo

 

>Subject: going fishing
>
>Subject: going fishing
>A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go
>fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be
>gone for a week. This is a good opportunity
>for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you
>please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
>tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by
>the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue
>silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the
>good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
>weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife
>welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish ?
>He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.
>But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked
>you to do ?"
>
>You'll love the answer. .
>
>
>The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."

 

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!...
You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

 

Vegas Blondes
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A
very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope
You don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice,
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!!

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

.....Poor mans highrise

 

You know, the engineer in me can't help but wonder how in the heck they got thing up there, without a helicopter!

 

Poor mans motorhome

 

Poor mans houseboat

 

BigC, you have ENTIRELY too much time on your hands.
I can't figure out how to past images in this thing. When I tag the 'insert image' icon, I get absolutely nothing. And I can't copy/paste either. Care to point me to where I can find some guidance?Meanwhile, so as not to hijack the thread, here's a little humor:


Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.

A few seconds later the second lady also had a stroke.


The third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

you can go here and it gives a tutorial on posting images and taking screen shots

 

poor boys ski boat

 

LETTER FROM A FARM KID

Dear Ma and Pa,
>
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best the got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail