joke of the day

Bozeman was a very rich man an told three of his closest friend that he had figured out a way to take his money with him when he passed away. It is quiet simple actually, I have made arrangements for each of you to get a third of my money, an I want you to place it in my coffin, that all there is to it. Sure enough Bozeman passed away, an at the funereal each of his friend asked the other did you place the money in the coffin? The first said yes. The second said yes. The third said, I did better than that, I placed in my personal I.O.U.

Thanks
Wildman

 

You know you are getting old when:

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after and you haven't been anywhere.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children are begging to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.

You join the health club an don't bother to show up.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

You're still chasing women but haven't a clue as to why.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.

A dripping faucet causes a uncontrollable bladder urge.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today".

You sit in a rocking chair an can't get it moving.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your 17" around the neck, 46" around the waist & 106 around the golf course.

Your best part of the day is already over when the alarm clock goes off.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Every time you see an attractive young lady, your pace maker opens garage doors.

The little old gray hair lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have to much room in the house an no where near enough in the medicine chest.

You sink your teeth into a juicy steak an they remain there.

Thanks
Wildman

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

(my favourite in Bold)



______________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere!

 

*** VIRUS ALERT ***

If you receive an email entitled "Rumplestiltskin" delete it immediately. Do not open it. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Rumplestiltskin" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

I repeat.... do not open it.

 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.

So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but OK. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be OK, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man. "Well, I was hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

 

The World Before Computers
Before computers....

- An application was for employment

- A program was a TV show

- A cursor used profanity

- A keyboard was a piano!

- Memory was something that you lost with age

- A CD was a bank account!

- And if you had a broken disk, … It would hurt when you found out!

- Compress was something you did to garbage
…Not something you did to a file

- And if you unzipped anything in public
…You'd be in jail for a while!

- Log on was adding wood to a fire

- Hard drive was a long trip on the road

- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

- And a backup happened to your commode!

- Cut- you did with a pocket knife

- Paste- you did with glue

- A web was a spider's home

- And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

-…But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

Now I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bag,
and please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray,
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

 

mens thesarus

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

loved this Bigc rofl
especially this one: WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

 

Tax Jokes from “Late Night TV”

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq."
—Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off."
—Jay Leno

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated."
—Jay Leno

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards."
—Jay Leno

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."
—Jay Leno

"Monday, April 15th, taxes are due. I just don't pay them. Yeah, this year Arthur Anderson did my taxes, I'm getting $6 billion back."
—Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents."
—Conan O'Brien

"If your accountant is Arthur Anderson ... today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th."
—David Letterman

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best

face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension."
—David Letterman

 

ROFL!! THAT HURTS!!! LOL!!

THAT ONE I WISH I COULD REMEMBER, GUESS YA HAD TO BE THERE! LOL!!!

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married; this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine!

Jeff was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo warrior walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, he got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Jeff tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo. The old warrior just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Jeff.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old man.

Jeff looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of a tribal elder said, "Good trade."

 

LOL!! OK! That is funny! Even if you are the wife in the deal!! LOL!!

 

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
... I have to fluff my shower cap.
... I have to fulfill my potential.
... I left my body in my other clothes.
... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
... I'll be looking for a parking space.
... I'm being deported.
... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
... I'm sandblasting my oven.
... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
... I'm worried about my vertical hold.
... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
... it's too close to the turn of the century.
... my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
... my plot to take over the world is thickening.
... my subconscious says no.
... none of my socks match.
... the grunion are running.
... the last time I went, I never came back.
... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

 

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

...I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
...I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
...I have to floss my pets...
...I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
...I want to spend more time with my blender.
...I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
...I'm building a pig from a kit.
...I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
...I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
...I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
...I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
...I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
...I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
...I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
...I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
...It's my parakeet's bowling night.
...My patent is pending.
...The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

 

Sam comes in the room.....

"Mom, if I clean my room, can you talk Dad into letting me mow the lawn."

http://toons.artie.com/20010322/arg-lawnmower-url.gif


Yep, this really happened yesterday. Anyone wanna borrow him??
Just sounded like a good joke to post.​

 

good one BB--Could I borrow him

 

The Year’s Best Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

ASTROLOGY

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" > > The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......??

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

BLONDES ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"