joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. Firecat

    Firecat Registered Member

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    Software Development Cycle

    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Software Development Cycle
    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
    Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
    Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
    Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
    Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
    Users find 137 new bugs.
    Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
    Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
    Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
    Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
    New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
     
  2. Lurkerella

    Lurkerella Guest

    The real joke of the day is that every one has mistaken BigDuck for Big Buck! ROFLMAO!! :D
     
  3. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Why God Created Eve
    - God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

    - God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

    - God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

    - God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

    - God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

    - God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

    - As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

    - As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
     
  4. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    NORTH & SOUTH


    The North has coffee houses.............The South has Waffle Houses

    The North has dating services,.........The South has family reunions.

    The North has switchblade knives.....The South has Lee Press-on Nails

    The North has double last names......The South has double first names.

    The North has Ted Kennedy..............The South has Jesse Helms.

    The North has Indy car races............ The South has stock car races.

    The North has Cream of Wheat.........The South has grits.

    The North has green salads...............The South has collard greens.

    The North has lobsters....................The South has crawdads.

    The North has the rust belt...............The South has the Bible Belt...

    FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH............
    In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
    Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
    shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

    Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

    Get used to "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

    Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

    Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

    The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy..
    Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

    The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

    If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this." you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

    If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

    Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

    In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
    lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

    AND REMEMBER:

    If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

    Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. Your relatives would get a kick out of it, too.
     
  5. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

    The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
     
  6. wildman

    wildman Registered Member

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    :) Clem an Patrick had been friends for years. One day Clem was talking with Patrick an told him, Patrick I just saw my doctor an he told me I have about three months to live. Of course Patrick was upset, an asked Clem if there was anything he could do. Clem said, Partick do you remember that bottle of Irish whiskey we bought in the old country, well we never uncorked it, when I go will you pour it over my grave? Patrick said to Clem, Of course I'll do it, but I have a question, would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?

    Thanks
    wildman
    :rolleyes: :eek:
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2005
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
    A. Because they're always a little short.

    Q. What's little and green and stuck to your bumper?
    A. A leprechaun who didn't look both ways.

    Q. Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner?
    A. He was a short-order cook!

    Q. What's six feet tall, green, and has a crock of gold?
    A. A leprechaun with a gland problem!

    Q. Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?
    A. Yeah, but only a little!

    Q. Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
    A. To keep from falling in the stew!

    Q. Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
    A. Sure, they're great at shorthand!

    Q. How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
    A. He took a shortcut!

    Q. What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
    A. Short ribs!

    Q. Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
    A. Because they're very short-tempered!

    Q. What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?
    A. Shortstop!

    Q. What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?
    A. A lot of small talk!

    Q. What did the leprechaun say to the elf?
    A. "How's the weather up there?"
     
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    If The Wright Brothers Lived Today
    We can but wonder whether, just over a century ago, Orville Wright would ever have gotten the Flyer off the ground (and where would air transportation be today?) if, on December 17 1903:

    - Wilbur Wright had called in sick.

    - And so had all the members of the Gas Can Carriers Union, in furtherance of a contract dispute.

    - Light rain had been falling, requiring a weather cancellation.

    - Orville and Wilbur's toolbag had been mistakenly routed to Cleveland.

    - Orville's slide-rule had crashed, due to over-programming combined with bad weather, preventing him for several hours from making essential wind speed and direction computations.

    - A by-stander had been spotted striking a match on his shoe to light his pipe, leading to an on-site inspection of all shoes and pipes in the area.

    - A lady by-stander wearing a head scarf against the cold wind, had been mistakenly profiled as a suspicious Mideasterner of interest instead of a Midwesterner; and wrestled to the ground by federal air marshals, causing further weather-related delays.

    - Hordes of federal officials had gathered to declare the flight unsafe and unapproved.

    - Orville had been detained, the field cleared, and the aircraft grounded, upon discovery that he was attempting to carry a canvas repair kit containing a sharp implement aboard the machine.

    - Creditors had gathered to seize the Flyer - nailing a writ to its mast, so to speak - declaring the venture bankrupt.

    - Happy flying in 2005! Thank you for flying with Millennial Airlines
     
  9. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    HUSBAND WANTED
    A lady places an advert in her local paper it read " Husband wanted", next day she receives hundreds of responses, they all read the same "You can have mine"
     
  10. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

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    Great jokes, Rita!!
     
  11. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Thank you Marja
    I sure enjoy posting them hoping they will brighten someones day just a wee bit. :D
     
  12. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    The Reunion

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
    "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
    "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
    "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
    "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
    "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
    "Nothing much," replied the bartender.
    "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
    [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  13. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    Lost At Sea

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
     
  14. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    A Little Bit of Music Humor...
    The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
    Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
    "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with!"
    "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
    The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with NO interruptions."
    The warden agrees and nodded and told him to go ahead.
    The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
     
  15. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    lol good one :D
     

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  16. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Some Things Never Change
    A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

    The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

    God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

    A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

    God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

    About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

    The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
     
  17. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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  18. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

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    This is a true story.


    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
    car she found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

    She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
    scream at the top of her voice,
    "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

    The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

    The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
    bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so
    shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
    tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

    A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
    spaces farther down.

    She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
    station.

    The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

    He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men
    were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
    white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
    carrying a large handgun.
    No charges were filed.

    http://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage16/15.gif
    If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one.
     
  19. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    A dog walks into a bar struggling and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
     
  20. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Crazy people talk
    A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

    The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

    The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

    Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
     
  21. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

    On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

    "Yes," the boy's mother answered.

    "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

    "Who cares?" the mother replied.
     
  22. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    loved that one Ron lol
     
  23. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    The Day After St. Patrick's Day
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city on St. Patrick’s Day and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the man says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    *Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father.."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please Please Mary, put down that gun...'*
     
  24. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

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    Well, guess I should put some of the leftovers to good use! :)

    Three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. They stopped in front of flahertys house still singing. after a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out,

    "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else. are you Mrs. Flaherty?", asks one of the drunks.

    "You know dam well i'm am she says."

    "Well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"


    ****************************************************************

    Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and a little cockroach fell out.

    Pat exclaimed, "No wonder it didn't work, the engineer is dead!"

    *****************************************************************

    At the end of his sermon Father O'Briain turned to his listeners and
    said:

    "Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for Paradise? Would you please stand?"

    He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up.

    "That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"

    After a few seconds, Jock Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained
    standing as the priest eyed him with sadness.

    Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Briain pulled
    Jock aside and asked him,

    "Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?"

    To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself.
    ****************************************************************

     
  25. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

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    Walking Home
    One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

    "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

    "I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

    "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

    "My wife." said the man
     
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