joke of the day

I'm my own grandpa***
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I
soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

 

What does all that make me??
​

 

*** Integrity***
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

Typing in a wrong e-mail address


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

For Twenty Dollars...

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty salon."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."

 

Sick Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass, when he suddenly felt nauseous.

"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny ran for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't even have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it that said 'For The Sick'."

 

How To Lose Weight Without Exercising


A guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Activity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Calories Burned

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . . . 50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Throwing your weight around >>
(depending on your weight). . . . . . 50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . . .100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . . . .250
Making mountains out of molehills. . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . . 50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . .300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . .200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . . .350

 

A Duck went into a Chemists shop and bought some Lipstick,
The assistant asked the Duck how it would like to pay,
And the Duck said "Put it on my Bill"......


The same Duck went into the Chemists and asked for a Deoderant,
The assistant asked "Ball or Aerosol",
The Duck replied "Neither, it's for my Arm-pits...


Cochise,

 

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless.

 

Interpreting Employment Ads
"Competitive Salary"
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company"
- We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
- We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
- You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
- Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary"
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail"
- We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience"
- You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must"
- You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Haven't heard a word from anyone out there.
Your first task is to find out what is going on.

 

Guide to Buying Gifts for Men!

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are through with my 3/8" socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Menards, Home Depot, John Deere, RV Center. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey, isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow. Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a football/basketball/hockey/baseball game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts". Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule # 8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

 

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

 

What would we do without Ritaann's jokes!

Good one Dog!

Love the what to buy for your man, sooo true!!

http://img204.exs.cx/img204/2096/marja1ih.gif

 

funny pic

 

The Book With All the Answers
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to his Minister to seek his advice. He tells the Minister about all of his problems in the business and asks the Minister what he should do.

The Minister says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Minister. The man is wearing a very expensive Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Minister a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money in order to thank the Minister for his wonderful advice. The Minister is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."

 

good one Ron

 

How to Deal with the New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

Be Careful What You Promise
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a pretty good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

OMG!!! Mmmmmph........gotta go!!

 

Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:

This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -with spelling errors and all.

WASHING CLOTHES

Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.

Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.

Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.

Sort things, make 3 piles

1 pile white,

1 pile colored,

1 pile work britches and rags.

To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed.

Scrub porch with hot soapy water.

Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.

Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.


Paste this over your washer and dryer.

Next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet---those two-holers used to get mighty cold!


Note: For you non-southerners -wrench means rinse.

 

im not kissing my toilet, no way no sir!