joke of the day

Bad Brakes

 

Ok I try this one in English:

A man enters a bar and asked for four beers. He is doing this every day. One day the bartender asked him: Why do you always order four beers? The man said: Three of my brothers live in Australia, and we promised eachother to have a beer every day at 5 pm. One day the man ordered only three beers and the barman asked him: Something happened to one of your brothers? The man said: No, but my doctor told me to stop drinking.

 

I get it

 

That's cute Gerarld.

Here's a couple of silly ones:

 

At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called
his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was
asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly
type well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, cheat on your lovely wife, manipulate people, and talk badly
about them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you
haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes.

Then, slowly backing away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed at the defense attorney across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the attorney for the defense?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a terrible drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly fainted and sat slumped in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the place was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to order and called both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you will go to jail for contempt of court."

 

Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

You Know You are From A small Town When (part 2)
- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

- Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

- You can charge at all the local stores.

- The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall.

- The golf course had only 9 holes

- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

- Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.

- The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.

- The best burgers in town are at the rink.

- You know exactly where to go when the party is at "the lake".

- The city council meets at the coffee shop.

- Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.

- It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

- Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.

- You can remember when your town finally got cable.

- You went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

- You went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

- The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

 

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

Good one Bigc

 

Only Married Men

In a small town, there was a big factory that hired only married men.

Upset, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I yell at them

 

RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD:

1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck.

3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not
make you a lumberjack.

4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck.

 

Fahrenheit Inferred Scale... or it’s whatever you are accustomed to

Degrees Fahrenheit:

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotians go swimming

35 Italian cars don’t start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotians eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don’t start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don’t start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don’t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless

-25 Minnesotians shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don’t start

-30 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-35 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don’t start

-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotians button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

 

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.

 

http://www.castlefm.net/sm/std/lol.gif...http://www.castlefm.net/sm/std/lol.gif
Very funny ritaann!!!
................................................
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go
to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK! Sure!"
The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own blanket!!!"​

 

Poor puppy

 

This is as bad as your joke bigc......
http://img52.exs.cx/img52/2025/s5oeat.gif....http://www.diegotorres.com.ar/mensajeitor/foro/caritas/cid12.gif
Dog is pretty big....he could easily eat that smilie man~ "Go Doggie Go!"
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.............................................
Temperance Sermon

A preacher from the deep south was finishing a temperance sermon. "If I had all the beer in the world," he said with expression, "I would take it and pour it into the river."

"And if I had all the wine in the world," he continued, with even greater emphasis, "I would take it and pour it into the river."

And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."

Having completed the sermon, he sat down.

At that point, the song leader rose and, with a sheepish grin, cautiously announced, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn #279, 'Shall We Gather At The River'."

 

At Last An Honest Man

 

Don't Eat The Salsa

 

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.....................................


OREGON WOMAN
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that
he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
housecleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said it took
a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Oregon woman. He boasted that he told her
his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and the
laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the
first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, so
he could see a little out of his left eye.
..................................................................
(beetlejuice)

The other day, my wife and I got into a "petty" argument.
(I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)
As is our nature, neither of us would admit
the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, she finally said, "Look. I'll tell you
what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said,
"I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

 

I'll tell you
what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said,
"I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."[/QUOTE]



Your a ba\rave man B.J.

 

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

And the #1 reason dogs can't use computers...

He can't stick his head out of Windows.