joke of the day

THINGS IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21

10. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

11. Your friends love you anyway

12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

13. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

Hey Rita,

The first 12 were all fun and chuckles. Why is #13 always the ego crusher? In my case Wifey used the carrot and stick approach. The scars have healed nicely, thank you very much!

Play on, big ed

 

greatone Ritaann

 

thanks sugabella

 

"To Whom It May Concern:

"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."



Delivered a short time later:

"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only
every other line."

 

surely not Ron not yours--cant believe it

 

thats cute

 

parrall parking

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying devil told you I was speeding too.

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" He asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation. Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked,"What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

 

tax poem
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.


Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.


Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass,
Tax the roads he must pass.


Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.


Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.


If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.


Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX.

 

ritaann

I can see that you're from the "wilds of wv"...but you must have had the UK in mind when you posted this..

 

same thing here Oremina

 

America Offline
[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

 

If Cars Developed as Fast as Computers
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "CarNT" or "CarXP." But then you would have to buy more seats.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

5. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

6. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

8. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

Microsoft Restaurant Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly isn't really there.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Then it must be the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: This is starting to sound like an incompatibility issue. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl! The same one YOU served me!

Waiter: Hmmm, that usually works. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: At this point my best advice is for you to upgrade to the latest Soup of the Day.

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.



Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter: Enjoy!

Waiter: (Leaves.)

Patron: Waiter! There's another fly in my soup!

Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.

Patron: This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Waiter: Well, according to the license agreement printed on the back of your latest napkin, we are not liable for the disliking of our product features. I believe we can close this ticket now.

(Removes old check, and leaves a new one.)

Patron: (Reads the check
Soup of the Day $ 1.50
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $ 2.50
Access to support @ $ 5.00 per incident X 3 Incidents $15.00 Subtotal $19.00 Mandatory Gratuity (25%) $ 5.00* Total $24.00 *

Gratuity was calculated using an early Intel Pentium microprocessor.

 

Microsoft Light Bulb Jokes
--------------------------

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

A2: None. They wait one week and then they make darkness as a standard.

A3: None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.

A4: None, its a hardware problem.

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472.
One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

 

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.





1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. " The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

 

As told by Bob Hope ........


ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

 

Rules


1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-it-is-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge." group

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

 

New Medicines Now Available
St . Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.

Dumerol

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.


Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


Anti-boy-otics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.


Menicillin

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person .......can we get naked now?"


Buyagra

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.


Extra Strength Buy-One-All

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.


Anti-talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.


Sexcedrin

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.


Ragamet

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


<<< N O T I C E >>>

Always consult your family physician before taking new medication.

 

Those medications be available for sale soon?