joke of the day

Inappropriate joke by guest, removed.
Please keep in mind we do have young members and guests that also frequent the forum. Any inappropriate posts will be removed.

 

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

"She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you ~snip~ asks ~snip if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt

 

Hey Mr Guest Lawyer,

Even w/the snip snips it was a good one. Not an autobiography I hope.

Play on, big ed

 

The Clever Lawyer


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out

 

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.





Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.



Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82
dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say,
"Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy."

 

Nice control, can it control the whole body's functions?

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."

 

The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his buddy, Don. "Why not have an affair?" suggested Don. "That would add excitement to your life." "But, Don -- what if my wife finds out?" "Hell, Alan, this is the 21st century. Just tell her about it!" So Alan went home and did so: "Dear, I'm thinking of having an affair to rekindle the excitement in our marriage." "Forget it," said his wife. "I tried it and it didn't work!"

 

You Know You are From A small Town When

1. The local phone book has only one yellow page.

2. Third Street is on the edge of town.

3. The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

4. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

5. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

6. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

7. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

9. The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.

10. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

11. You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.

12. Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

13. You can name everyone you graduated with.

14. School gets canceled for state sporting events.

15. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

16. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference

17. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

 

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start

 

Hey Rita,

I know very well what was said.

"Oh golly gee, the darn car won't start!"


Uh huh, big ed

 

yep,i bet thats exactly what he said big ed

 

Have You Seen The New Office Rules ?
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A'” will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09
------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

 

The Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.
...........................................
Thought for the day....... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

OMG!!! That thought for the day was hilarious!!! What will they dooooo!!! Of course, we are much too young too care!!

 

Or is it Old?? I'm so forgetful!!!

 

What She Says and What She Really Means
I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I maxed out your gold card.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

 

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says “It’s gotta be the booze, I’m always drunk “ The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy’s thinking, “Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.
The second guy says, “It’s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.” The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door.
The third man said “It’s gotta be the weed, I’m always tokin’ up” The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can’t believe it.He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. “I’ll never drink again!”, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in “I’m gay!” he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well. The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed.
The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek… “You got a light, Man

 

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on

 

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, “Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.”

So the cowboy says, “Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, “Are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The cowboy says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

 

A woman bought a do-it-yourself closet, which she put together in about an hour. As she stood admiring her handiwork, a train passed by right outside her house. The closet crumpled to the ground in a heap! "I must have done something wrong," thought the woman, so she went to work and reassembled the entire thing. As soon as she finished, another train rumbled by and the whole thing collapsed again. Fed up with this exercise in futility, she called the store where she bought it and insisted they send out a technician. He arrived, rebuilt the entire thing again, all the while thinking her story about the train was a total fabrication. When he finished, he summoned her into the bedroom. "You see, ma'am, there's absolutely nothing wrong with..." just as another train passed. Sure enough, the closet fell apart again. "Unbelievable!" he cried. "You were right! Look, I'm going to reassemble this again, and this time wait inside it until another train passes. That was, I'll see what happens and be able to fix it." "Okay," says the exasperated woman. He put it together for the fourth time, climbed inside, and shut the door. Just then, the woman's husband arrived home from work, saw the technician's toolbox and shouted, "What going on here? Do you have a secret lover? I bet he's hiding in this closet!" So whips open the closet door and finds the technician. "What in the hell are you doing in there !?" The technician could say nothing except, "You may not believe this, but I'm waiting for a train

 

Rodney Dangerfield Classics

My parents hated me so much my first bath toy was an
electric toaster.

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did
everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how
big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back
a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted
more proof"

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked
him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do
you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know
kid.. there are so many places they can hide."



"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out
a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest
up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to
put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some
rest."

 

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year
or
so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very
well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could
arrange a divorce for him-"very quick."


The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on
the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
bedrooms."

LAWYER "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really
needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1
sound.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions
is
yes."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"


POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drugstore and
put it
on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover"