Jokes told from the computer store

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

* * * * *
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
* * * * *
I once received a FAX with a note on the bottom, asking me to FAX the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* * * * *
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

* * * * *
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

* * * * *
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

* * * * *
Tech Support: "All right...now, double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows: because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to ..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you double-click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click-click]
* * * * *

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

* * * * *
Tech Support: "OK, Sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
"Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Sir."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Sir."
Customer: "I am not going to do that!"

* * * * *
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man explained that he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer *still* couldn't find it!

* * * * *
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software OK, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

* * * * *
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong..
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in, it turned out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?"

* * * * *
This guy called in to complain that he got an "Access Denied" message every time he tried to log in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

* * * * *
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

* * * * *
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about
15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

 

Very good to both of you!
Now let's see the economists at work...

Move the mouse around...


http://www.foulds2000.freeserve.co.uk/economists.htm


Uguel

 

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the night
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.


Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd land in jail for a while.


Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they WISH they were dead

 

Lol! Very good Peaches and Uguel!

Here Uguel is one for you

 

That new Mona Lisa of yours shows lots of promise!


One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!


********************************************


My computer made a funny sound the other day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.


********************************************

Computer game

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."


********************************************



Uguel

 

The Game

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

10 Email Commandments

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.



Uguel

 

Conversations with Technical Support

1 Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

2 Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

3 Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

4 Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

5 Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

6 Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

7 Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

8 Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

9 Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

10 Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

 

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

**************************

A List of Funny Computer Terms


Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.


Uguel

 

An actual dialogue of a former Customer Care Support employee..........

"Ridge Hall Computer Assistance, may I help you?
"Yes, well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect"
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away".
"Went away?"
"Yes, they disappeared".
"Hmmmm, So what does your screen look like now?"
"NOthing"
"Nothing??"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with a screen that looks like a TV."
Look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great, follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"Does the monitor have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach".
"Uh, huh, well, can you see if it is?"
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there is a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in>"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

Note: I think this thread is getting too big. My browser keeps slipping back a page or two when I click on something. Opera 7.23 btw.

I found a huge site full of realtime jokes encountered by various Tech Support people: Computer Stupidities.

Here's are some small samples:

* Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."


* A man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."

"Could that be the problem?" he asked.


*Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?"

Lot's of side-splitters here! LOL

 

I had to find a way to stay awake last night (I work nights but have been on vacation) so I sat and read that Computer Stupidities site. It took a few hours to savor a third of the site's material. Some of it goes back to the days of DOS or when Win95/98 was still new.

It helped me to realize that I am indeed very fortunate to know the people at Wilders and some other boards, people who actually do have a clue about how their systems and programs actually work. People of intelligence and wit!

I have encountered people who are like the ones that the Tech Support illustrate. I met a woman once who was all excited because she had just gotten a brand new PC. I asked her what kind was it? She said it was black and silver. LOL I tried again. I asked her what kind of TV she had ie Zenith, Hitachi, Sony and she answered right away. Okaaay. I then asked her again what kind of PC? She said it was a "Compact." I corrected with "Compaq," but she insisted it was "compact" and gave me a querulous look. So then I asked if it was a laptop and she looked insulted. I gave up at that point. "Nevermind." LOL

I thank my lucky stars that I know all of you!

 

Looooooooool! I can understand well! I experienced stg similar!!!
in a office-supply store here. They sell pencils and pens mainly but also a few software products though they don't know much about them. So I went there to buy "Paint Shop Pro 7" in the hope that they might have it.

It went something like this :

True story:

Me: Have you got "Paint Shop Pro 7"

Seller(very puzzled): What's that?

Me: It's a software to create pictures

Seller(with mocking smile): " Oh! You want to create pictures?You don't have to! We have two kind of software products with pictures already in it. See this one for instance: "Babette at The Garden". Not only does it have pictures but it's also a game. See, (laughing) you don't have to create pictures.

Me (looking at the software box) But this is a game for children!

Seller: WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? you don't have "to do" any pictures, they are INCLUDED IN IT! And moreover, you get a game with it!

Me: I'm afraid that's not what I want!

Seller(turning to other sellers): Does anyone know about "Paint Shop Pro". All of them answer: No! What's that? One of them said: We sell pencils, sharperners, papers but nothing to paint your house with here. You might try going to a paint store instead.

Me: Thank you, Bye!

I went to all stores I could. Only one knew of Paint Shop and said that I might find it in Montreal only.

Finally I ordered it online.

**************************************************************

Oh! about the that site you mention here
"Computer Stupidities", I should mention that most of the jokes I put,
from page 1 to 5 of this thread, come from that site!

My favourite one(see page one)

Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"



Uguel

 

Loooool!!

 

Buying Car Like Computer


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"