Tech support

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by ronjor, Nov 26, 2004.

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  1. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    # Customer: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet."
    # Tech Support: "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?"
    # Customer: "Netscape."
    # Tech Support: "No, what version of Windows are you using?"
    # Customer: "Uhhh...Hewlett Packard?"
    # Tech Support: "No, Right click on 'My Computer,' and select properties on the menu."
    # Customer: "Your computer? It's my computer!"
    # Tech Support: "No sir, I mean the little picture called 'My Computer' on your desktop."
    # Customer: "I don't see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen."
    # Tech Support: "Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu."
    # Customer: "Right click?"
    # Tech Support: "Just a moment, sir." (mutes phone) "AAAAAAAARGH."


    # Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"
    # Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."
    # Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"
    # Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."
    # Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"
    # Tech Support: "Yes."
    # Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?
     
  2. Dazed_and_Confused

    Dazed_and_Confused Registered Member

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    I think I know who made those calls... :D
     

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  3. Dazed_and_Confused

    Dazed_and_Confused Registered Member

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    Personally, I usually take a different approach with uncooperative computers... :D
     

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  4. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

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    Makes sense.



    snowbound
     
  5. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    :D :D :D :D Good 'uns Daisey!
     
  6. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    At my computer
  7. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support

    "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

    * "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

    * "So -- what are you wearing?"

    * "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

    * "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

    * "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

    * "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

    * "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

    * "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

    * "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

    * "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.
     
  8. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
    think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story
    from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording
    monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk
    employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect
    organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of
    a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

    "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    >"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
    little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
    goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
    wall."

    "Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
    cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
    cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
    your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
    dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
    from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power failure."

    "A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
    came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
    when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too :blink: :blink: :blink: stupid to own a computer."
     
  9. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Truth is better than fiction :D
     
  10. bigbuck

    bigbuck Registered Member

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    This sounds a lot like when I help my mum solve a computer problem over the phone......
    :D :D :D :D :D
     
  11. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

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    8,523
    Sometimes, the truth does hurt. :D
     
  12. nadirah

    nadirah Registered Member

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    What kind of computer mouse is that?
     

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  13. Jimbob1989

    Jimbob1989 Registered Member

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    Wait, this implies that the customers are stupid... not the Tech Support ;)
     
  14. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    It actually reminded me of myself when I started out on computers. I WAS the customer! :)
     
  15. Notok

    Notok Registered Member

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    May 28, 2004
    Posts:
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    Location:
    Portland, OR (USA)
    Computer Problem Report Form

    1. Describe your problem:
    ______________________________________________________

    2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
    ______________________________________________________

    3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
    ______________________________________________________

    4. Problem severity:
    A. Minor
    B. Minor
    C. Minor
    D. Trivial

    5. Nature of the problem:
    A. Locked Up ___
    B. Frozen ___
    C. Hung __
    D. Strange Smell __

    6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

    7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

    8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

    9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

    10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix
    it for you ? Yes__ No__

    11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

    12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

    13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

    14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

    15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

    16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
    ______________________________________________________

    17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
    ______________________________________________________

    18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
    ______________________________________________________

    19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

    20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

    21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

    22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

    23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

    24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on?
    Yes__ No__

    25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

    26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

    27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
     
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