Subject: Quotes > > > > Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you > should > > have remained a virgin." > > - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) > > > > I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not > > pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but > > fine against a wall." > > - Eleanor Roosevelt > > > > Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I > > have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that > > statement. > > - Mark Twain > > > > The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good > ending; > > and to have the two as close together as possible. > > - George Burns > > > > Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. > > - Victor Borge > > > > Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. > > - Mark Twain > > > > What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce. > > - Mark Twain > > > > By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if > you > > get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. > > - Socrates > > > > I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. > > - Groucho Marx > > > > My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she > stops > > to breathe. > > - Jimmy Durante > > > > The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and > > kindness, can be trained to do most things. > > - Jilly Cooper > > > > I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. > > - Zsa Zsa Gabor > > > > Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food > > groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. > > -Alex Levine > > > > Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you > > nothing. It was here first. > > - Mark Twain > > > > My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. > > - Ed Furgol > > > > Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant > form > > of misery. > > - Spike Milligan > > > > What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. > > - Henny Youngman > > > > I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me > the > > position. > > - Mark Twain > > > > Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. > > - Joe Namath > > > > Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. > > - Herbert Henry Asquith > > > > I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for > > my nap. > > - Bob Hope > > > > I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. > > -WC. Fields > > > > We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way > > through Congress. > > - Will Rogers > > > > Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid > > you. > > - Winston Churchill > > > > Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty..but every thing else starts to > > wear out, fall out, or spread out. - > > - Phyllis Diller > > > > The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - > > -Unknown > > > > By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go > > anywhere. > > - Billy Crystal
