Need Decent One Liners Please

a small town is a place where everybody who knows whose cheque is good and whose spouse isn't.

 

Madam it is obvious that you have been educated far beyond your inteligence.- Jerry Clower

Thanks
Wildman

 

Did you hear about the bubble brain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

 

I came, I saw. Did I mention that I am sight impared.

Thanks
Wildman

 

A man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party

 

You know that your old, when all your little black book contains is doctor's phone numbers.

Thanks
Wildman

 

Why the choper crashed: Pilot: Well it got cold in the cockpit, so I turned off that over head fan.

Thanks
Wildman

 

You know you are getting old when they quit checking your ID and start calling you sir/mam

 

we must believe in luck . how else can we explain the success of those we do not like.

 

the only thing faster than the speed of light is word of mouth.

 

if you need to spread the word don't telephone, tell a woman

 

a man does not live by bread alone. he has to handle some hot potatoes, know his onions, and be worth his salt. little wonder man is in a stew.

 

hear hear peaches, I like that one.

 

one more before i sign off ......

there has been a great proliferation of lawyers in the past 20 years, just as there has been a proliferation of computers. but unlike computers, lawyers do not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years.

 

do you know what you call two hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean-----------------------A good start

 

if u are a bear u get to hibernate. u do nothing for 6 months but sleep -

before u hibernate u are supposed to eat urself stupid.

if u are a bear - ur mate expects u to weake up growling. he expects that u will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

if u are a mamma bear, everyone knows u mean business - u swat anyone who bothers ur cubs. if ur cubs get out of line , u swat them too.

i can deal with that - i wanna be a bear.

 

What do you get when you cross a flower with a virus writer
A blooming idiot

 

God put me on this earth to sew and finish a certain number of things. i am so far behind now i will never die.

 

an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain [i know some people like that].

 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" --Henny Youngman

 

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" --Henny Youngman

 

if u yelled for 8 yrs. 7 mos. and 6 days, u would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee [hardly seems worth it].

 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." --Henny Youngman

 

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" --Henny Youngman

 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. --Henny Youngman