MERGED: Multiple entertainment posts...

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by musicman, Jan 24, 2004.

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  1. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    ** Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer
    in it?

    **
    ** Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer
    in it?

    ** Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
    the bubbles are always white?

    ** Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

    ** Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
    the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    ** On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one
    slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are
    really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

    ** Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
    their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
    then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

    ** Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
    end you first try?

    ** How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

    ** Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use
    them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

    ** Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
    drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

    ** When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
    with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
    say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,
    'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

    ** Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale
    and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is
    placed?

    ** In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
    was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    ** If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's
    best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

    ** Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
    Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

    ** How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

    ** Is the real reason women live Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
    the bubbles are always white?

    ** Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

    ** Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
    the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    ** On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one
    slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are
    really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

    ** Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
    their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
    then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

    ** Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
    end you first try?

    ** How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

    ** Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use
    them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

    ** Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
    drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

    ** When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
    with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
    say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,
    'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

    ** Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale
    and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is
    placed?

    ** In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
    was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    ** If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's
    best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

    ** Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
    Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

    ** How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?


    - I've merged all these separate entertainment threads into one thread. Please don't make so many separate joke threads all at once like that - it's a little too much. LowWaterMark
     
  2. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Sports Joke

    Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
    One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
    "Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
    "I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
    "Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"
     
  3. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Marriage Joke - Perfect Mate

    At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

    "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

    An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
     
  4. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Marriage Joke - Photo In Wallet

    Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
     
  5. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

    Joined:
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    Men Strike Back! _ For those that can handle the Truth

    Subject: Men strike back!

    For Those Who Can Handle The Truth!!!!!!!

    Men strike back!

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
    be able to support you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
    the kitchen sink.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
    door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
    bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    :D
     
  6. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    You Are What You eat!!!!

    This tells it all!!!
     

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  7. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    IQ Test for Blondes

    This one should not be hard!!!! :D
     

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  8. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Getting Revenge with marriage

    Getting revenge with marriage
    Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

    Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

    Johnson: "But I want you to."

    Wife: "But why?"

    Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
     
  9. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    A Kids View On Marriage

    What Exactly Is Marriage?
    "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

    "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old


    How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
    "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

    "My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old


    Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
    "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old


    How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
    "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

    "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old


    What Do Most People Do on a Date?
    "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

    "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old


    When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
    "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

    "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old


    The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
    "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

    "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

    "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
     
  10. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Golf Joke- Cute

    Moses, Jesus, and some old man were playing golf, par three, with the green on the other side of a water trap. Moses goes first. Chips it up and it lands ten feet in from the green. He curses as the ball sinks to the bottom. Walking up to the water hole, he spreads his arms wide, the water parts, and he hits the ball onto the green. Moses then steps up onto the green, and the water returns downward.
    Jesus is next. He chips the ball up and it lands on the green, but rolls into the water. He doesn't curse, but he thinks it! He walks up to the water hole and carefully begins to walk on the water until he reaches his ball, reaches in and throws it onto the green.
    Finally it was the old man's turn. He chips it up and it lands right in the middle of water trap. Just as the ball begins to sink, a frog swims over and eats it. Then a fish swims over and eats the frog. It swims to the top of the hole and a hawk dives out of the sky and picks up he fish in its talons.
    As the hawk flies away, a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hits the hawk, causing it to explode, with the ball dropping right in the hole. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, Dad!"
     
  11. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Stranded On A Island - Sports Joke

    A man was stranded on a desert island for ten years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
    Man: "Hi. Am I ever happy to see you!"
    Girl: "Hi. It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
    Man: "It has been ten years." With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
    Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
    Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
    Man: "It has been ten years." The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
    Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle."
    Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
    The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too?"
     
  12. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Scotsman at a baseball game

    Scotsman at a baseball game
    A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
    A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
     
  13. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Priest on the cliffs

    Priest on the cliffs
    A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
    "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."
    As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
     
  14. musicman

    musicman Registered Member

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    Believe your husband

    Believe your husband
    "Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
    "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
    "Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
    "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
     
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