LOL One for the girls.

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Longboard, Mar 18, 2006.

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  1. Longboard

    Longboard Registered Member

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    I love these little skirmishes in the gender war :eek:

    WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
    THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

    Class 1
    How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
    Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
    Pictures and Explan atory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
    And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum .
    Monday at 8:00 P M, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing .
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy ---
    Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Of Course this only applies to men who live outside Australia :D
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2006
  2. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2003
    Posts:
    8,723
    Location:
    The Big Smoke
    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
    Wine her,
    Dine her,
    Call her,
    Hug her,
    Support her,
    Hold her,
    Surprise her,
    Compliment her,
    Smile at her,
    Listen to her,
    Laugh with her,
    Cry with her,
    Romance her,
    Believe in her,
    Cuddle with her,
    Shop with her
    Give her jewellery,
    Buy her flowers,
    Hold her hand,
    Write love letters to her,
    Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
    Arrive naked.
    Bring Pizza & Beer.



    snowbound
     
  3. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743
    :D :D That reminded me that men also carrying around :'( towels :thumb:


    Mapless males prefer to remain lost


    BRITISH male drivers waste nearly six million hours a year lost on the road because they are reluctant to ask for directions

    Men who are lost wait an average of 20 minutes before giving up and asking for directions, while women only wait 10 minutes before seeking help, a survey from Royal Automobile Club Direct Insurance said.
    Men endured a "nagging period" of around 10 minutes from their partner before throwing in the towel and stopped to ask the way, the poll showed.

    Based on responses from 2000 adults, the survey also revealed:

    About 64 per cent of couples admitted to having arguments over getting lost on the road.

    Only 27 per cent of couples planned their journeys before setting off.

    Just 36 per cent of couples relied on landmarks and road signs to find their destination

    One in four couples still scribble down basic directions on scrap paper.

    http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,18498097-13762,00.html
     
  4. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Aug 12, 2003
    Posts:
    3,137
    Location:
    Ye Olde New England

    Of course!! It was a lesson in futility! But then.....nobody else has ever gotten a passing grade!

    I yam whut I yam, Comfy ed
     
  5. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    2,743

    The wife wants to patent this device..I built a prototype last night but still have to get the angle of the "q" just right. ;)
     

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  6. JimIT

    JimIT Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2003
    Posts:
    1,035
    Location:
    Denton, Texas
    And here's a pretty classic reply:

    ;)

    **********************************************************

    Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

    Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

    Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

    Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

    Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

    If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

    You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

    The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

    If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

    BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

    Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but so what, it's like camping.
     
  7. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Aug 12, 2003
    Posts:
    3,137
    Location:
    Ye Olde New England
    Hold the Fart Fort and pass the beans! We're working on the answer to that as we speak over in the Math Problem Lab. I can assure you w/the utmost uncertainty that the angle might be 42 Deg. or it may not amount to a hill of beans.

    Shelling beans for the upcoming hoopla, Kentucky Wonder ed
     
  8. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

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    Location:
    The Big Smoke
    What's all this bean talk in here all the time. :cautious:

    getting gassed here in the Big Smoke, snowbound :gack:
     
  9. bigbuck

    bigbuck Registered Member

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    Jul 7, 2004
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    Location:
    Qld, Aus
    No idea Snowy? :D
     

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  10. Firecat

    Firecat Registered Member

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    Jan 2, 2005
    Posts:
    7,927
    Location:
    The land of no identity :D
    Actually, everyone is advised to read this before proceeding to join the Winter classes (for home help) or the summer classes (for dating help).

    Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any damages caused by the viewing of this picture, including barrels and utensils thrown, baseball bats used, court marshals, and other such problems. No compensation is warranted for the damage caused by viewing this picture.
     

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  11. slammer_JvA

    slammer_JvA Registered Member

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Posts:
    1,588
    Location:
    Below sea-level. Safe and sound behind our dikes:
    Pity. He nearly got it. But there is some progress made by the Edster....:doubt:

    :D ;) :D :cool:
     
  12. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Aug 12, 2003
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    Ye Olde New England

    EASY there....big fella!! I'm sure that Snowy didn't meen no harm so don't get your rump in a bump!! Just keep your long johns flap in da back buttoned and no one will get hurt!! Drinks are on da house so just land on da roof an sip a few. He is only a Mod.....so be gentle!

    There's no fuel like an old fuel, Gaseous Clay ed
     
  13. snowbound

    snowbound Retired Moderator

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    Lol,

    i'm partial to FartMan(Howard Stern) but Baked Bean Man could be quite the nemisis too. ;) :D


    snowbound
     
  14. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Ye Olde New England
    Hah!!......Make mock if you will!

    As co-founder of the "Eduardo & Buckerino Unavarsity" it is my intention to clear the air (w/the co-operashun of Buckerino aka..."Baked Bean Man")! I have achieved outstanding success in the area of fund raising as I recently secured the largest endowment ever .... $42 ....(in Duckels). Butt..I digress..The whole student body (42) has pitched in at the Lab and..EUREKA!.. we have come up w/a deflector shield for Buckerino...angled at 42 Deg...that of this date, has saved us at least $42 in cape replacements. It was so simple....we just multiplied 42 X "Q" and factored in "Baked Bean Man's" out putt-putt and...voila!..no more singed capes.

    So, as you can readily see, you are Wai Wai off the mark!

    Providing a breath of fresh air for the Ladies, Minty ed
     
  15. Cochise

    Cochise A missed friend

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Thoresby Lincs Good Olde England


    From a Male point of view.........haven't you got it back to front??.....


    Cochise,:cool:
     
  16. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Ye Olde New England
    I'm tellin.....I'm tellin....you...you...bounder...you!!

    Nana..nana...na...na!

    Tellin it like it were in Wausau, Willy Nilly ed
     
  17. Longboard

    Longboard Registered Member

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    Sydney, Australia
    Oh Dear. I'm very dissappointed.

    I posted this as a serious attempt to help all non-Aussies.

    As we all know Oz males are:
    sensitive; we cry at the footy
    caring; we are!
    well dressed; thongs and shorts are classy
    thoughtful: rarely miss birthdays by more than one week
    quick on the uptake; "oohhh thats why your'e not talking to me"
    domesticated: if you have to mix colours only do it in a cold wash
    in shape: Round is a shape!

    and so on.

    The rest of you unreconstructed primitives are not taking this seriously!

    And, more of a worry ?no response from the female Wilders.
    ?Massive attack on the way?
    Regards

    Sweet and snaggy in Sydney.
    LBD
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2006
  18. Primrose

    Primrose Registered Member

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    Don't let him get away with it guys..:rolleyes: He is just trying to fill his dance card early for the BB Birthday bash with the under 42 lovely ladies at Wilders.

    We will also be serving Big Macs at the bash..can't get any more snaggy than that.:cool:
    http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/index.html
    http://www.catcarol.com/
     
  19. RobZee

    RobZee Registered Member

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    Location:
    Texas
     
  20. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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  21. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

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    Shouldn't that be "Duckel and Cover"?
     
  22. Longboard

    Longboard Registered Member

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    Sydney, Australia
    Do y'all have experience of the new breed of men?

    THE METROSEXUAL !
    Man who has more cosmetics than Girlfriend. :eek:

    (Could be a Queensland thing.)

    I dont want to be one.
    I have evolved as far as I can :shifty:

    LOL.
    My dance card has never been full.
    Something not quite right around the edges. :blink:
     
  23. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    Aaaaaah....memories!!

    Duckels..Bloflies..Squished Eagles..our Latino Pals

    Brings tears to the eyes...don't it!!

    Those were the days...when men were men and women wore bustles, Juan ed
     
  24. big ed

    big ed Registered Member

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    I don't know about the cosmetics thing but those "Q" guys sure need to use a lot of deodorant! No names need be mentioned but the key word is "Beans"

    A little dab'l do ya, Old Spicy ed
     
  25. Longboard

    Longboard Registered Member

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    LOL

    He started it

    ?? would that be BBBB? then

    Circling the wagons in Wagga.
     
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