Let's Have Some Irish Jokes, Proverbs and Toasts

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Marja, Mar 15, 2005.

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  1. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

    Mar 8, 2004
    In the Vast Fields of My Mind
    Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi
    Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,what would you like?" said the prison guard to the englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.
    When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

    Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Sch**ers and started off towards the airport.

    The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

    It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice.

    Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade
    jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved.

    Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.
    "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams."

    Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies
    were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner
    "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.
    He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.
    "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

  2. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

    Mar 8, 2004
    In the Vast Fields of My Mind
    A few proverbs and toasts!

    It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.

    A good denial, the best point in law.(Good Point!:D)

    A service not asked for, neither God nor man is thankful for. (Sounds like spy/adware!)

    Girls need beauty a lot more than brains because guys can see a lot better than they can think.

    It is not easy to steal where the landlord is a thief. (LOL!)

    Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot. (!!New one 4 me)

    The herb that can't be got is the one that heals. (Aah! Figures!)

    Is ar mhaithe leis féin a dheineann an cat crónán (Gaelic)
    It is for his own benefit that the cat purrs

    Is fearr raidhse ná ganntanas
    Plenty is better than scarcity[It is better to be looking at it
    than to be looking for it]LOL!!

    What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure for. (Yum!)

    Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your
    neighbor.It makes you shoot at your landlord and it makes
    you miss him. :D

    Any man can lose his hat in a fairy- wind. :eek:

    Snuff at a wake is fine if there's nobody sneezing over the
    snuff box. :eek:

    Don't bless the fish till it gets to the land. (Makes sense!)

    You din't turn up when sense was being distributed. :D

    Don't let your tongue cut your throuat.(olde spelling)

    It's bad manners to talk about ropes in the house of a
    man whose father was hanged.(Indeed, an olde one)

    Pity him who makes his opinions a certainty.

    He thinks that he himself is the very stone that was hurled
    at the castle.*He thinks too much of himself explained for the younger posters.:D

    A dishonest woman can't be kept in and an honest woman
    won't. (True!)

    Irishwomen have a dispensation from the pope to wear the thick ends of their legs downwards. (ROFL!!)

  3. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

    Mar 8, 2004
    In the Vast Fields of My Mind
    I hope I am not the only one with things to add, no Irish jokes?
  4. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

    Mar 8, 2004
    In the Vast Fields of My Mind
    One more for the road!

    (This starts out sounding like a slam against certain churches, give it a moment;) No offense intended!)

    The Lepperchaun

    One day the hero of ancient days the generous Finn McCool was wondering
    how life on earth was now that it was under the general direction and total
    management by the Christian church-so he took it upon himself to investigate
    and on the third day after thinking it over thumb firmly on wisdom tooth and
    after a large salmon of knowledge dinner he descended from tir-na-nog (the land
    without egg nog aka land of youth) to the dusty pathways of Earth.

    Upon arrival he met up with his Christian Counter part St.Patrick who was as
    usual on the road from big house to big house in search of a pint and food and
    of course selling raffle tickets for that new church.

    What brings ye here said saint patrick to finn? Well says Finn I came to see
    how things were under your guidance and to walk with you and find out. Well
    St. Patrick says you will enjoy do doubt a wonderful pint of stout at the next
    big house as they say there is none in heaven. No said Finn-he had taken the
    precatuion of drinking several vats before descending-both because he feared
    that the christians would have banned it by then and also to provide gasseous
    fuel for his assent. And said Finn that bit about no beer in heaven is only for
    the Catholics-for over charging at their festivals.

    So on the road the two went talking about old times and the deeds of the Fianna.
    As they got to one particularlly dry and dusty plain they met an old lepper
    crawling along on the stumps of what once were his legs. The leppar recognized
    St. Patrick with his traditional green vestments croizer,miter and large roll of
    chances for the next drawing. The lepper said to Patrick -it is said that you
    have the power to cure and that many have been helped by your power. Tis true
    said St.Patrick I have done many wonderful things and many a good ticket number
    I have sold. Finn said now here is a test Patrick in the old days we would have
    been generous and we would have helped the poor what do you have for this poor

    It is not a hard thing to tell Finn O generous,thoughtful Finn.And he motioned
    the lepper to come nearer.
    Lepper Said St. Patrick-Shall I cure you? (Finn was astonished-how could patrick
    have such powers-impossible-maybe christianity has greater powers after all....)
    The lepper said that indeed a cure would be a great blessing for his poor life.
    Patrick looked down at the lepper then up at the still amazed Finn- Lepper as
    you know I am building churches throughout Ireland. Yes said the lepper the
    bingos and dances and dinners are without number throughout this land of ours.
    Indeed said Patrick-Cringe did Finn- Lepper if you will give me a coin I shall
    cure you-do you have a coin?

    The lepper thought and looked up at patrick through the rays of a hot sun-yes
    patrick I have the two gold coins which I have saved for burial-but if you can
    cure me they will be yours and he unwrapped them from the cloth and handed them
    to the Saint.Finn at this point could bear no more -he took Patrick asside and
    said:"Patrick how can you deceive a poor man like this -this had better be
    good...'Patrick said to Finn watch and you shall see.

    Patrick reached into his green satchel and pulled out two large pint bottles of
    Stout and uncapped them. lepper If you wish to be saved kneel down -no hard task
    said the lepper-Now I kneel always -so he moved into the sun beside the saint
    and bowed his head in prayer and hope. Patrick with all due ceremony raised with
    two hands the two stout bottles and poured the sweet thick stout all over the
    lepper -and he said unto him-lepper with the goodness of stout go forward into
    life and find your cure.

    As the lepper struggled along the road becomming stickier in the hot sun and
    atracting a host of flys as company Fair finn was turning a bright red Patrick
    he said-what is the meaning of this terrible wrong-that man is not cured and
    will not be and you have taken his money-how the world is cursed by the

    Finn said Patrick settle down have you forgotten all the old tales-of the Tuatha
    de,and the Fomor, of the little people-or of the Gentry and the banshee?Is it
    that long that you have been away your memory gone?

    Have you indeed forgotten dear Finn of that centerpiece of Irish Culture-

    THE L E P P E R C O N ! ! ! !

    A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin'
    with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
    and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
    barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
    country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
    Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
    hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
    for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
    and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
    be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
    the pair of us.
    The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
    pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley
    twins are here getting drunk again!

    His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
    "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
    "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the

  5. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

    Mar 8, 2004
    In the Vast Fields of My Mind
    Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
    It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

    There was this guy who was 1/2 irish, 1/2 scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
  6. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Jun 28, 2004
    wilds of wv
    Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
    A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
    Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
    A: Because they're always a little short.

    Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
    A: They like to "go" first class!

    Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
    A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

    Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
    A: Patty O'furniture!

    Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
    A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

    Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
    A: A bachelor.

    Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
    A:St. O'Claus!

    Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
    A:Sure, they're green with envy!

    Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
    A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

    Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
    A:To keep from falling in the stew!

    Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
    A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

    Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
    A:He took a shortcut!

    Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
    A:Short ribs!

    Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
    A:Because they're very short-tempered!

    "I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
    "Oh, really?"
    "No, O'Reilly!"

    Knock, knock!
    Who's there?
    Don who?
    Don be puffin' down the Irish now!
  7. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Jun 28, 2004
    wilds of wv
    Irish Blessings
    May the road rise to meet you.
    May the wind be always at your back.
    May the sun shine warm upon your face.
    And rains fall soft upon your fields.
    And until we meet again,
    May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

    May you live as long as you want,
    And never want as long as you live.

    Always remember to forget
    The things that made you sad.
    But never forget to remember
    The things that made you glad.

    Always remember to forget
    The friends that proved untrue.
    But never forget to remember
    Those that have stuck by you.

    Always remember to forget
    The troubles that passed away.
    But never forget to remember
    The blessings that come each day.

    May the saddest day of your future be no worse
    Than the happiest day of your past.

    May the roof above us never fall in.
    And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

    May you have warm words on a cold evening,
    A full moon on a dark night,
    And the road downhill all the way to your door.

    May there be a generation of children
    On the children of your children.

    May you live to be a hundred years,
    With one extra year to repent!

    May the Lord keep you in His hand
    And never close His fist too tight.

    May your neighbors respect you,
    Trouble neglect you,
    The angels protect you,
  8. Rita

    Rita Infrequent Poster

    Jun 28, 2004
    wilds of wv
  9. slammer_JvA

    slammer_JvA Registered Member

    Feb 23, 2004
    Below sea-level. Safe and sound behind our dikes:
    Nope...it's not here either...darn!:mad:

    Anyone seen that pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow they promised us, yet?
    I'm starting to believe it's just yet another big green scam...:(
    The only ones I've seen so far are filled with whiskey...

    Ah well, let's take one little sip then...~hips!~:rolleyes: :p

    :D Happy St. Pathricks Day :D
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