Just for laughs

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Peaches4U, Aug 17, 2004.

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  1. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    Ma and Pa kettle were yust ordinary hill-billy folk but they had learned to read and write. One day while at the Country Store they saw a newspaper and Pa was glancing through it. He saw an advertisement for a compleye bathroom set on sale for half price and showed it to Ma. Neither Ma or Pa knew what a bathroom set was but thy thought it seemed a good deal and decided to send for it. In time the bathroom set arrived and after they had put it to use Ma wrote to her sister to tell her all about.

    THE LETTER

    Dear Sara:
    I reckon you' member me telling you that Pa and me had ordered a bathroom set.Well it has came and you should see it. The fust box we opened was real big and had a big white thing in it, like a trough but it had a hole in the bottom. It wasn't much good fer a trough if'n it had a hole in it but then we found a little, hard, round thing that was chained to it. We thought it something that could run or fly else why would it be chained. Pa was fooin' around with it and that little hard thing fitted in the hole. Now we know what it is fer, a trough for the animals to drink at and it works fine. Pa thinks it's great 'caus when he wants to empty it he just pulls out the hard thing and it runs out itself.

    The next box was a littler one and was somethin' like the dish we wash in but too heavy to through out. It had a hole in it and a little hard thing chained to it like the trough. So now wo uses it to wash in and we pulls out the hard thing and it empties itself. We like it fine and it is much better then pitching out the water, 'pecially if the wind blows wrong.Then there's a thing to wash your foots in. You washes one foot at a time and if foots are dirty, like Pa's get when he is workin' in the field, jou jest push a button and the dirty water runs out and clean water comes in to wash the t'other foot. Pa thinks it gread. 'Course you gotta keep the thing at the back full of water else it don't work.

    Then there was two things we jest couldn't figger. They was puzzlers. They was of wood and one had a hole in it. It looked as it had been round but got pulled out of shape. We just couldn't figger that 'til I held it over our Pa's picture, you know, the one he had took when he went to city that time. It jest fitted it so good we fastened them to each other and nailed it to the wall. Our Pa looks jest great hangin' there.

    The other one was kind of like the same shape but it was littler and din't have no hole. It was a puzzler 'til Pa said, "Ma, why don't you us it when you cuts up stuff and when you cut bread. It will stop you cuttin' up the tabke like you do." So that's what I do now and it sure saves the table.

    Ain't it wonderful how these new things help and we is the only ones out here as has one.

    Your lovin' sister

    Annie
     
  2. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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  3. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    Re: Just dor laughs

    Last rights

    A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying
    on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

    A priest, Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman quickly
    checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind?

    A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
    little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. Mr. Policeman says
    the man, I am not a piriest. I', not even Catholic. But for the past fifty
    years I've lived behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and
    every night I am listening to the Catholic Litany. Mayve I can be of some
    comfort to this poor dying soul.

    The policeman agreed and brought the ancient octogenarian to where the dying man lay. The old man gets on his knees with great difficulty, holds the
    dying man's hand and says in a solemn voice:

    "Under the B, 4; Under the I, 19: Under the N, 38; Under the G, 54; Under
    the O, 72 ......"
     
  4. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    Re: Just dor laughs

    Thats bad :D :D ;)
     
  5. Valkyri001

    Valkyri001 Registered Member

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    :D I like the littlebitty part. :D
    Only jokes I know can't be here.
     
  6. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    TEXAS VOLKSWAGEN


    A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a
    guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign, their windows are open and he yells at
    the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

    The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

    "I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

    "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

    "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

    "Why, actually, yes, I do."

    "I do too! See? It's right here" brags the Texan.

    The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
    says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

    The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

    "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

    The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the
    guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to
    a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his
    car.

    About two weeks later, the job is finally done He picks up his car and
    drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen Beetle with the Texas
    plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
    Rolls up next to it.

    The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
    awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
    on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

    (It's ok, the joke is clean!)

    The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks
    out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

    "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

    "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

    The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
    THAT?!"
     
  7. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    A Norwegian goes to Fargo

    A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
    "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

    "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

    The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

    The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

    "It was ME," chortled the Indian.

    So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

    Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

    "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

    "Fair enough," said Sven.

    "Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

    "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

    The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
     
  8. greyfox

    greyfox Registered Member

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    1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home. That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

    10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning," "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

    11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

    16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

    17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
     
  9. ronjor

    ronjor Global Moderator

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    A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

    My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

    The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

    The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

    A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

    The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

    The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

    A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

    "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

    Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

    A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

    A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

    "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

    Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."


    Henny Youngman
     
  10. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    :D :D :D :D :D
     

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  11. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    :D :D :D :D :D on all jokes.... Love the cartoon peaches....


    This guy dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates.

    St Peter checks this guys record and says: "I see you've lead an very fullfilling and helpful life. For that we have rewards. Yours is you get to drive around in a Rolls Royce and dine at the finest restaurants, also you get to pick as a date any of the greatest departed movie starlets for eternity."

    Well he's pretty chuffed at that and hops into the Rolls and putters off down the rainbow road.

    He's driving along and sees this guy driving a Chevvy. So stops to chat. Asks him how come he's only got a Chevvy while he's in a Roller.

    The guy says, "Well, I had 6 affairs in my life so got downgraded from a Rolls to this Chevvy"

    Ok, so he drives further and see this guy driving a Volkswagon. Same deal, stos and asks. The guy replies similar only he's cheated every day of his married life.

    A little later the Chevvy driver notices the Rolls guy parked on the side of the road sobbing his eyes out.

    He stops and asks what's wrong, doesn't he like his rewards.

    The guy says, well he's happy with the Rolls, happy with the eating arrangements and verrrry happy with all the beautiful movie stars he's about to date.

    So what's the problem then chevvyman asks.

    Well, he sobs, I just saw my late wife go by on a pair of Roller Blades.

    TAS
     
  12. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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  13. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    here is one
     

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  14. bigc73542

    bigc73542 Retired Moderator

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    one more
     

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  15. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    could it possibly get this drastic? :D
     

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  16. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    Oh dear Peaches... LOL... that is sooo sad on many levels... especially the leg shackles... that MUST have been taken in America... no way on earth it would have been in oz.... you simply cannot own a roo... against the law... unless that was a stuffed 'put up' job..

    TAS
     
  17. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    Dang, and I thought me and the missus would be all right shopping late at night. A pox on those security cameras....

    :D TAS
     
  18. Peaches4U

    Peaches4U Registered Member

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    got that from a kiwi friend ... it is meant as a joke kiwi style.
     
  19. gerardwil

    gerardwil Registered Member

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    A "her" on this occasion.
     

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  20. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    ROFL Gerard.. ooopss.. blonde joke alert... ROFL...

    Actually they won't complain about that mate... they would have too much 'whiteout' pasted on the screen to see it.

    ooopss.. another one.. TAS
     
  21. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    ROFL... god, those darn Kiwis... now I've got to round up some "Kiwi" jokes... hmmm.. starts up Google...

    :D TAS
     
  22. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

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    LOL!! Ah, you guys are just havin too much fun!
    Let's see....
     

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  23. Marja

    Marja Honestly, I'm not a bot!!

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    How about?
     

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  24. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    Oh.. got no sense of humour... let me fix that for you...
     

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  25. Tassie_Devils

    Tassie_Devils Global Moderator

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    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Marja.... ROFL... love the "Esc" one... F1.. ROFL... Help just does not work in this mode lol...

    TAS
     
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