joke of the day

Ron and Bigc
I thourghly enjoyed those last two posts--funny-funny -funny LOL

 

Top Ten Reasons Why TV is Better than the Internet:

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other

 

roflmao
Oh my goodness, ronjor!!
Do you need a good nanny??
Not Me!!! I'll pass on that job!!
Kids are soooo funny! I'm glad you can laugh at all that, hahaha!!

 

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch or a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon."Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter."Afternoon." says the farmer."Where you headed?" asks Walter."Town." says the farmer."What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued."Manure.""Manure, eh? What do you do with it?""I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly."Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."

 

An english professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing" and told his students to punctuate it.

The males in the class wrote "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 

hahahahaha!!!!!!!
Good one Girl!!!​

 

which dog is best

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

 

I'll be back to work next week. Honest!

big ed's Dobie

 

The Union Rep came out of the managements office and said to all the men gathered round "Lads, you'll be pleased to know I have managed, with much negotiation, to get you all this deal, you are all getting a 200% rise in your salary back-dated 5 years, (Cheer!)...I have also got you Health care for every member of your family for ever, (Cheer!)....I have also negotiated 12 weeks fully paid holidays a year and a working week of just 4 Hours on a Wednesday morning".......And a voice from the back shouted "What? does that mean Every Wednesday"....


Cochise,

 

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

 

hahahaha!!!!!!!!!
these were my personal favs.........
Dumber than a box of hair.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

 

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

'Twas the month after Christmas,

When all through the house,

Nothing would fit me,

Not even a blouse!

The cookies I'd nibbled,

The eggnog I'd taste...

At the holiday parties,

Had gone to my waist!

I remember the marvelous meals all prepared:

The gravies and sauces,

The beef "nicely rared".

The wine and the rum balls,

The bread and the cheese,

And the way I NEVER said,

"No, thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,

I said to myself (as only I can),

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a MAN"!

So---away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip!

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,

'Til all of the additional "ounces" have vanished!

I won't have a cookie,

Not even a lick!

I'll want only to chew,

On a celery stick!

I won't have hot biscuits,

Or corn bread or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot,

And quietly cry.

I'm hungry...I'm lonesome...and life is a bore!

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle,

No longer a riot!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL,

AND TO ALL A GOOD DIET!

 

Very Cute Rita

 

Thanks Steve
and very true sometimes

 

BREAKING NEWS
----------------
A new and more deadly CWS variant has appeared today, named: CWS.ritaann.P2

Intermute has added this variant to the CWShredder list. Run CWShredder now to ensure your computer that Ritaann has not gained unauthorised access to the system32 folder. CWS.ritaann.P2 attempts to disable all security programs it can find on your computer.

---END OF NEWS BULLETIN, GOODNIGHT.---

This is only a joke, don't think it happened for real! LOL!!!

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony, and we picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "Wow, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

 

Wine Connoisseur

A great drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.

"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate; "I don't take my wine in pills!"




The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cold one when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, 'Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.'

So the Doberman says, 'I love liver and cheese.' The Collie says, 'That's not good enough.' The Bulldog says, 'I hate liver and cheese.' The Collie says 'That's not creative enough.'

Finally, the Chihuahua says, 'Liver alone......cheese mine.'

 

Hole in One

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

 

senior power

 

No fair Rita. You posted my pic w/o my permission!

Play on, big ed

 

Sorry about that Big Ed--wont happen again