joke of the day

Discussion in 'ten-forward' started by Rita, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!

    Dear Mom,

    Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Our scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he DID tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

    Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. .

    Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

    Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

    Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

    I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

    Love, Patrick

  2. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed . "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"
  3. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    "A blonde in Las Vegas"

    In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out
    pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more

    She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the
    machine keeps popping out the drinks.

    Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a
    few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a

    The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm
  4. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

    Jul 9, 2004
    Germany/Ohio-USA ~ between two worlds
    So, this tissue walks into a bar.

    Bartender says, Can I pour you a drink?

    Tissue says, Heck no, itll go right through me!

    Bartender says, Well, you dont have to get all snotty about it.
  5. Doc2626

    Doc2626 Registered Member

    May 28, 2005
    These aren't new, but they're certainly good for a Monday morning chuckle!

    1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married.
    Did you?"
    Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

    2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
    The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

    3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
    "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

    4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
    "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

    5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
    The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

    6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.

    7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
    The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
    "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

    8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
    "With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
    "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
    "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

    9. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
    The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

    10. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
    Joe: "Really?"
    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

    11. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
    "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
    "What did he say," asked the nurse.

    12. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
    "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
  6. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Retirement Choices in the USA

    You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can Live in California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    You can Live in New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn.
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can Live in Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can Live in Texas where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

    You can live in Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can live in the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can live inFlorida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
  7. ~*Nat*~

    ~*Nat*~ Registered Member

    Jul 9, 2004
    Germany/Ohio-USA ~ between two worlds
  8. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Redneck mama

    A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

    "WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURSo_O"

    Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." O Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

    The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

    One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named

    Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
    All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

    Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier.
    When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

    I call them by their last names."
  9. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
    Which human body part increases to
    10 times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
    should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
    parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
    With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
    "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth
    fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
    part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
    the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
    As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    1) you have a dirty mind,

    2) you didn't read your homework, and

    3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
  10. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    Never Argue with a Woman

    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
    to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
    take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her

    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
    says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

    "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
    "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
    "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
    any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
    "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
    start at any moment."
    "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
  11. beetlejuice

    beetlejuice Registered Member

    Oct 12, 2002
    It's hard to believe how much difference there can be between the actual temperature and the heat index depending on the humidity. And you thought it was hot where you were today? Here was ours............ Come on. We're panting like dogs here.

    Attached Files:

  12. BeetleBoss

    BeetleBoss She who posts lots of <I>Smileys</I>

    Nov 28, 2004
    We're somewhere in Kansas, Toto!!!!
    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3

    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to you carry in the groceries.
    &nbs p;
    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

    10. You get up in the morning and go on

    line before getting your coffee.

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

    AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
  13. crkit1

    crkit1 Registered Member

    Aug 31, 2002
    What is the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30!
  14. eyes-open

    eyes-open Registered Member

    May 13, 2005
    Apples and Cookies​

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A teacher had made a note, and posted on the apple tray. It said, "Take only one, God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note by the cookies that said, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples ! "
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